Tuesday, April 26, 2011

GAY PANIC ALERT: Your Highness

Every few weeks, another movie will hit theaters reeking of gay panic. And before you can pronounce “Chuck and Larry,” its message has once again entered mainstream culture: Gay people are icky.

And... you know, like acceptance and stuff

Of course, filmmakers can talk about whatever they want, but that doesn’t mean that we should pay money to see our demographic get openly mocked. So let’s “page Dr. Faggot” for a second and take a look at the latest film that is afraid of us.

Your Highness debuted to mediocre reviews and even worse box office, but the allure of seeing James Franco in tights has surely drawn its fair share of gay fans (myself included). Here is what they can expect to see…

A penis-headed wizard creature admits to molesting James Franco’s character when he was a child.

That same wizard convinces both our main characters to jerk him off in exchange for a magic compass.

A minotaur attempts to rape the prince’s servant boy Courtney.

(Courtney in general is a problematic figure, considering his name, his openly mocked haircut, his history as a sex slave, and his blind devotion to the prince.)

The film has two main villains. One is a theatrical wizard who can’t get it up for the virgin he’s kidnapped.

The other is the prince’s traitorous knight, who gets hacked apart by the prince before revealing that he loves him “like a man loves a man.” Yes, the knight started all this drama because he was secretly in love with James Franco and couldn’t handle the fact that his feelings weren’t reciprocated. And yes, his death is the goriest scene in the film… AND meant as a joke. (For the record, no one in the audience laughed.)

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