Saturday, April 2, 2011


Director: Patrick Lussier
Writer: Todd Farmer
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith

Sam (heretofore referred to as Jensen Ackles, because that name is amazing) returns to his hometown in order to sell off his dad’s mine. He brings with him a lot of emotional baggage, because he accidentally killed a bunch of people. He teams up with his former girlfriend, Sarah, who is now married to his former friend Axl.

Unfortunately, he visits on the anniversary of the town’s massacre (oops) and people start dying mysteriously. And by “mysteriously,” I mean they’re being murdered with a pick ax. Can our main characters find out who the killer is before it’s too late? Yes, yes they can. Unfortunately, everything leads to the absolute worst twist ending I've seen in years. And I'm a Shyamalan fan.

I kid because I love. 

“Can’t we meet in a motel next time?”

“Trade ya the pooch for a room.”

“I am no hooker.” “You are now.”

“I’ll be sure to tuck the top down on my Cadillac.” (I included this line because the characters made it seem like some kind of sexual innuendo, but I didn’t get it.)

If Supernatural fan fiction has taught me one thing, it’s that some gays love Jensen Ackles (and twincest apparently, but I digress).

If Dawson’s Creek fan fiction has taught me one thing, it’s that some gays love Kerr Smith (and spoiled white kids whining and exchanging long, hyper-literate speeches about how adults don’t understand them).
Put those two things together and what do you get? Flowers in the Attic. I mean My Bloody Valentine, the remake created entirely for horror fans (and for the love of film, I guess).

On a wider scale, it’s tempting to argue that My Bloody Valentine helped usher in the latest wave of 3D horror, because it came before Saw 3D, The Final Destination, etc. But that has more to do with timing than with actual influence. Otherwise, we could argue that the widely unseen Night of the Living Dead 3D or Scar 3D (don’t ask) helped usher in the wave. Which, for the record, they didn’t.

So this show isn’t exactly a historical moment, but that’s not what Valentine was aiming for. It was aiming for a bloody, gloopy, wild ride.

As mentioned above, My Bloody Valentine is full of WB-level man-candy (or “mandy” if you will, because Barry Manilow is bad a$$). Not a lot of nudity outside of a longish scene involving a skeezy couple hooking up at a motel. (Spoiler alert: they get murdered.) After a few moments of loud motel sex (with lots of T and A, mostly T), the guy zips up and leaves. He’s a big beefy trucker played by Todd Farmer, the film’s writer. I hope this guy has gay fans, because wow.

Aside from that, not a lot of nudity. This film takes place in a chilly Northeast mining town, which isn’t conducive to bikinis apparently.

Um, yes. For the film’s first ten minutes, it felt like I was watching the oozy run-off of a pepperoni pizza from Little Caesars.


The whole movie is squicky and gory and glorious. If you want a Hitchcockian thriller with a slow build before each kill, then you probably won’t like this movie. (You also probably won’t like this website.) Each kill is gloriously sudden and splattery, and the digital effects aren’t too intrusive. Here’s a litmus test: “A jawbone flies at the camera.” If you smiled while reading that sentence, watch this movie. If you grimaced, then don’t watch this movie. And we can’t be friends.

In the final confrontation, Axl wastes all the bullets except one, which allows Sarah one chance to shoot the love of her life. Apparently Axl’s police training didn’t include marksman anything.

If you’re the sheriff and you get an anonymous valentine that’s dripping red liquid, expect the worst.

So the motel midget just wanders into a paying customer’s room looking for her missing terrier. And she didn’t even knock first. I guess if you pay by the hour, sometimes the service isn’t up to par. Also, you might get horribly murdered.

Did I mention that the twist ending was a major cop-out that contradicted everything that came before it?

Barry Manilow is not, in fact, bad a$$.
Who am I kidding? He writes the songs that make the whole world sing.

Eye-popping special effects have come a long way since Friday the 13th Part 3.
Whoa! Look at that knife!

Seriously, what is with all those Supernatural fans who write stories about Sam and Dean hooking up?

With this amount of bodily fluids, most assuredly. We have a strong female protagonist, man candy in all its forms, romance, melodrama, and Jensen Ackles. This movie isn’t explicitly gay; it’s more gay-adjacent. It’s the Lady Gaga of murderous miners. And that ain't half bad.

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