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Saturday, April 16, 2011

MY FUTURE BOYFRIEND


STATS:
My Future Boyfriend
2011
Director: Michael Lange
Writer: James Orr, Jim Cruickshank
Starring: Sarah Rue, Barry Watson

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Barry Watson lives a millennium in the future, where there is no love or sex or jazz music. (Also no contractions, though I don’t know why.) He discovers a romance novel from 2011 and travels back in time to ask the author about the meaning of love. That author, of course, is curvaceous and spunky Sarah Rue, who is engaged to a completely likeable businessman.

Otherwise known as “The Baxter.” Look it up.

Barry tells Sarah all about the future and she writes a bunch of articles about it. She doesn’t really believe him, though, until it’s too late and he has to go back to the future. This leads to a rather dumb car chase involving Fred Willard and a birthday cake. Will this end happily? Look at the poster. You tell me.

WHAT YOU SAY?
“I am from the future and I want to find out about love.”

“You’re not leaking. You’ve been infected, I’m afraid.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I guess the million dollar question is: Why am I reviewing this? It’s not a horror movie. No one dies. There are no gay characters.

Well, touché, self. That’s all true. But it’s a genre film (involving time travel), and it had the potential to address gender dynamics (a man from the sexless future travels to the heathen past). Mainly, though, I wanted to include an ABC Family film to counterbalance the earlier Lifetime movie we included.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
No nudity. No sex scenes. This is ABC Family, after all. But Barry Watson is as Camden-tastic as ever.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
Four decapitations and a partial immolation. I’m kidding. Look at the freaking screen shot.

Yup. No machetes in sight.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:
Why would Valerie Harper want the main character to end up with Barry Watson? For what she can tell, he’s completely delusional and borderline psychotic. And he doesn’t speak in contractions.

Remember her? Yeah... me neither.

If it’s so easy to go back in time, why don’t more people do it? I mean, sex-related reasons alone…

During the big finale, Sarah Rue’s boyfriend gets totally rejected and ends up with a tranquilizer dart in his neck. Why? He didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t a bad guy.

While the ending may seem happy at first glance, there are some lingering issues. For example, is Pax going to keep pretending that he’s from the present? If he tells her, he won’t have any proof; she spent the rest of the movie refusing to buy his story, so why would she now? If he doesn’t, how is he going to manage? He has no job, house, or career. He barely knows how to communicate with 21st century humans.

Much like late-90s Robin Williams and his fans.

OK. IS IT GAY?
This is a romantic comedy from ABC Family, so it’s watered down and completely de-gayed. (Not even a gay BFF.) I’m glad I sat through it, because it was pleasant and brainless, but I doubt that anyone, gay or straight, would get even a little passionate about this film. This is a blandly asexual rom-com, so I’ll give it a Josh Lucas.



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