Saturday, April 30, 2011


Troll 2
Director: Claudio Fragasso (under a fake name)
Writer: some Italians with a limited grasp of the language
Starring: Utah’s finest

A family takes a vacation to Nilbog, a small town overrun by goblins that want to turn them into plants and eat them. The goblins are lead by Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the queen goblin who gets her magic from Stonehenge.

Our main character, the young son who has a special relationship with his dead grandpa, eventually defeats the goblins with a double decker bologna sandwich… Or did he?

Nope. He did not.

Want some, Joshua?

This is the worst film ever made. ’Nuff said.

Actually, I can add a little more to that. Troll 2 has developed a massive cult following over the years; it was released to Blu-Ray before movies like On the Waterfront…

Who needs classic monologues when you have
Grandpa Seth and his magic lightning fingers?


I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore.
Here, give me a double decker bologna sandwich.

…and The Lost Boys.

One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach…
all the damn greased-up saxophone players.

Clearly, people have fond memories of watching this film on late-night HBO and wondering if they’d accidentally ingested acid. The film’s child star even made a movie documenting its rise in the pop culture pantheon.

Better than the one with the dead dolphins?

On a personal note, I’ve probably seen this film upwards of 30 times. It was inevitable that I’d write about it.

[insert entire screenplay here]

Seriously, this film was written by Italians and then badly translated (and performed) by Utahans (which is apparently a word). Nothing makes sense. Here are some choice soundbites:

“They’re eating her. And then they’re gonna eat me. Oh my GGGGAAAAAAAHHH.”

“Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?” “Wouldn’t be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he’d cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can’t stand you.”

“He was one of us. And you killed him. Now it’s your turn.”

“But how do we get him to come? By having a séance maybe?”

Corn sex. Only in Utah.

The goblins trick their victims into drinking green stuff, which can turn any human into a man-plant. Then the goblins eat them. It’s Shakespearean.

Also, Creedence Leonore Gielgud of Ancient Druid Origins gets her troll arm cut off. Another goblin gets burned alive. And there’s a lot of lightning.

Yes it is. Some people make a lot out of the daughter’s “eating your little nuts” line listed above, but the real gay undertones come from the close relationships between the four teens boys. They sleep together shirtless, and Elliot (the only one in a relationship) refuses to spend time with his girlfriend without his buddies in tow. They sit extremely close together while watching Saturday morning nonsense. And none of them are all that masculine (despite the fact that Elliot is referred to as the “playboy son of the Coopers”). Sure, some of this could be chalked up to the whole Italian/Mormon culture clash that produced such a cinematic wonder, but I’d like to think that this film is as gay as it looks.

On a gayness scale, I’ll give this two Boy Georges.

Please watch this film.

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