Thursday, April 7, 2011


Director: Harvey Kahn
Writers: Julie Ferber Frank and Steven Frank (a husband/wife directing duo much like the Coen spouses)
Starring: Tahmoh Penikett, Tori Spelling, Victoria Pratt

Tahmoh and Tori are newlyweds who move back to his hometown as they’re trying to get pregnant with in vitro. Tori’s womb is pretty damn inhospitable. Tahmoh’s ex-girlfriend shows up, acts crazy, and steals one of Tori’s fertilized eggs. She Single-White-Females herself into their life and tries to be with Tahmoh at all costs. She even kills Tori’s mother via peanuts. The ex-girlfriend is now pregnany with Tahmoh’s stolen guppies and tries to scare Tori off. It all leads to a fatal encounter on the stairs.

Why did I choose this film? It was on Lifetime, and I thought that I should include at least one television movie, and comment on its watered-down, PG-ified aesthetics.

Again, this is a Lifetime movie. No nudity, aside from a brief glimpse at Tahmoh coming out of the shower.

Sorry about the fully clothed screen cap.

Answer: It’s a Lifetime movie! No guts whatsoever. All we have is the minimum amount of stabbing during the climax and a peanut allergy death scene.
He murdered them with his cane.

And for the record, it’s not even the best death by peanut allergy scene I’ve watched this month. (That honor goes to the Italian horror-comedy Red Riding Hood, which is straight-up terrible.)

In hindsight, casting Tori Spelling in the role of the pretty, non-bug-eyed wife was probably a mistake.

Tori with her stunt double.

Also, for a Lifetime movie, there are surprisingly few grieving scenes after Tori’s mother gets murdered horribly. You’d think she would’ve cried a little. Or cursed the evil jar of peanut butter.

Damn you! Damn you, I say!

Canadian actress and psycho sperm-stealer Victoria Pratt is perhaps best known for House of the Dead 2. First of all, that’s kind of a sad statement. Secondly, she does a good crazy-face.

Tori Spelling has the distinct aura of a C-lister who doesn’t really have a gay following but desperately wants people to think she does. She’s like a bugged-out Kardashian. At least that was what I thought before I Netflixed So NoTORIous and mainlined every episode in a weekend. Now, it seems like she has a genuine sense of humor about herself, and she delivered some Zachary Quinto nudity to the world, so I’m all for her.

That said, this film doesn’t dip into camp nearly as much as the synopsis makes it seem. It’s way too by-the-numbers for that. But being a Lifetime movie centered around Donna Martin and sperm-stealing, I’ll give this a solid Boy George.

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