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Monday, May 16, 2011

The Adventures of Pinocchio



STATS:
The Adventures of Pinocchio
1996
Director: Steve Barron
Writer: a bunch of people
Starring: Martin Landau, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Genevieve Bujold


…Aaaaand freeze-frame jump.

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Ever seen Disney’s Pinocchio? It’s the same story, minus the Blue Fairy and coherence.

WHAT YOU SAY?
“Hey, Woody. You’re leaking.”

“There are two kinds of lies: lies that have short legs and lies that have a long nose. And yours are clearly the kind that have the long nose.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Jonathan Taylor Thomas has a surprisingly large following for nostalgia-heads who came of age in the 1990s.

Oh lord.

A few of these people even sat through Man of the House.

Look. It shares the twin themes of puppetry and awkwardness

Can they sit through a film that stars JTT but only shows him in the flesh for the last two minutes? Answer: nope. Eight and a half people paid to see this at the theater.

The other reason I included this in a horror movie blog is that the story of Pinocchio is freaking horrifying. And whenever they try to film it with live action people, it gets even more horrifying.

I’d rather sit through his Holocaust comedy again.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
No nudity. The main non-wooden character is Martin Landau, so that’s probably a good thing.

Pull ze strings. Pull ze strings

BLOOD AND GUTS:
No traditional death scenes, but there’s a lot of harrowing stuff going on. The boy-to-donkey transformation scene is crazy, as is the puppets-getting-burned-alive-with-chili-pepper-breath scene. And any time Udo Kier pops up looking like a gay pirate…


…Eeeek.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Is the nose growth scene always this phallic and awkward?

Probably.

OK. IS IT GAY?
Children’s stories about young characters transitioning (or refusing to transition) into maturity have obvious parallels for the typically youth-obsessed gay male. (Don’t argue with me; I’m quoting my buddy “Science.”) Gay men seem to respond to Peter Pan, and they seem to respond to Pinocchio for the same reasons. That said, this movie is creepy beyond all reasoning, even if the Jim Henson puppetry is great. Let’s give this film one and a half Silvio Hortas.

He’s the creator of Ugly Betty AND Urban Legend.
He's kind of my screenwriting hero...
I'm starting to seriously lose faith in this ranking system.

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