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Monday, May 9, 2011

WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL


STATS:
Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell
2001
Director: Chris Angel [insert stupid joke that references Mindfreak]
Writer: Peter Atkins [insert joke about eating meat or carb-free diets or something]
Starring: John Novak, A.J. Cook, Tobias Mehler

WHA’ HAPPENED?
An angsty college student accidentally summons an evil genie who kills a bunch of people. The genie needs her to ask for three wishes because he wants to be set free so he can… kill a bunch of people. It’s a paradox. And by paradox, I mean “bad writing.”

Terrifying, no? Just wait till he
busts out his Julia Child impression.

To try to stop him, the girl wishes for the most practical thing she can think of: she wishes that her boyfriend would turn into a warrior angel. Yes, my friends, it’s another paradox. The two defeat the genie, but not before they both die. But then they don’t, because this movie is stupid. Paradox.

WHAT YOU SAY?
“It’s like an evil Aladdin’s lamp.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned a movie that I actively despise, so… here you go.

Actually, this isn’t a hateful film. It’s a Canadian-made horror sequel to a minor hit from the 1990s. It’s as good as you’d expect. Also, from what I could tell from InternetLand, this film has absolutely zero fans.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Our hero is this guy…

playing with sword

…who’s cute in a Canadian sort of way. He’s actually from the Yukon. And he was in the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Movie.

No nakedness, though. It gets pretty cold up North.


I take that back. We get two Canadians rolling around by a Canadian fire. Maple syrup and hockey might have been involved.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
All wish-related. All stupid. In one scene, the genie tries to get a bunch of lab rats to gnaw a side character’s face off. I guess the spell failed, because all those stupid rats could do was smear bad make up effects on her lips. Stupid rats.

Also, a couple people fall off a building, not in a parkour sort of way. Mostly in a low-rent stuntman sort of way.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Did we really need a warrior angel in this?

Yeah. Why not?

OK. IS IT GAY?
Not even tangentially. This film has no gay supporting characters and barely any straight romance either. It’s just a minor story where four or five characters wander around a college campus and possibly die after wishing for stupid things at the exact worst time.

This film is two John Waynes and an Alan Thicke (because of the Canadian thing).


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