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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS


STATS:
1972
Directed by Bob Clark (Black Christmas, A Christmas Story)
Written by and starring Alan Ormsby


WHA’ HAPPENED?
Alan, the wizard-cloaked douche of the century, brings a bunch of friends (or perhaps employees) to an island at night. Once there, he resurrects the dead. The dead get all resurrect-y and kill Alan and his friend-ployees. It’s a morality play.

Alan the wizard-douche. He makes me taste bile.

WHAT YOU SAY?
"The magnitude of your ignorance overwhelms me." 

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I chose this film because I’m a sucker for bad zombie films. I basically have Shock Waves playing in a loop deep inside my brainstem. I figured this movie would satisfy my minimum requirements for a good film: corpses and victims.

Also, this movie has one of my all-time favorite titles.


Except for this one, of course.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
No skins, and the shirts are all 70s and awful. Also, check out these pants:

I feel disheartened that an entire decade
embraced this style of polyester vomit.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
The entire cast gets ripped apart by zombies, and yet we see nothing. No blood. No candy-colored grue. Just victims disappearing into the shambling mass of rampaging corpses. (Which isn’t a BAD thing, per se.)


RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Alan, the director/star, is the most obnoxious main character I have ever seen in a movie. And I’m an early-period Blake McIver Ewing fan. (No I’m not.)

OK. IS IT GAY?
Well, there is clearly a gay man in this circle of friends. He does his own zombie make-up, makes jokes about going straight, and is the first to be horribly murdered. It’s not exactly a positive portrayal.

However, I cannot recommend this film to gay or straight horror fans. The audio is bad, the lighting is almost unwatchably dark, and the zombies don’t show up until after our main characters say annoying things to each other for an hour and a half. The presence of a gay secondary character doesn’t make this gay-friendly. The only reason you might want to watch this is for the early-70s kitsch. For that, I’ll rank this film a solid Gene Rayburn.

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