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Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Voice

Reality competition shows are about as far away from horror films as you can get (without starring Davey and/or Goliath). So when I start an article called “The Voice,” you wouldn’t be off-base to assume that I was spotlighting a new Syfy Channel original movie about killer sirens. But nope. This is about the NBC singing competition starring Christina Aguilera in the role of “Sober Paula.”

I have never seen this show, nor will I until they air the final, to-the-death round in its ratings-challenged seventh season. But I will say that their recent TV Guide cover is truly horrific. Let’s take a look…


What exactly are the secrets of The Voice, it asks? Well, let’s take this one creepily-posed face at a time.


Cee-Lo Green
This expression is what one might call “The Shock and Awe.” His lips are open in a come-hither trout configuration, and his eyes are wide and surprised, like the unfortunate recipient of a goosing whilst visiting an old folks’ home inhabited entirely of Cloris Leachmans.

His secret: he just witnessed a single mother of two killing herself because of repeated exposure to his Top 40 hit “F$#& You” (the uncensored version).


Christina Aguilera
This expression is blank and vapid, what we like to call “The Numb-Numb” or “The Liv Tyler-in-Lord-of-the-Rings-er.” Her lips are slightly apart, yet not at all inviting, and her normally sparkling eyes are doing the opposite of smizing.

Her secret: she just found out that her repeated use of Botox clashes with her new vegan lifestyle. Also, she’s confused about something.


Blake Shelton
His gaze, slight nostril flare, and sparse facial hair all combine into a prime example of “Pedaphile-Chic.” He’s also bugging out his left eye, the one used for scoping fresh meat.

His secret: he’s planning something dirty with your daughter. Be mindful.


Adam Levine
His lips are in a grimace-pout, and his eyebrows are knitted into the eyebrow equivalent of Downward Facing Dog. His head is also slightly tucked in, as if ready to spring into action.

His secret: he just saw Blake Shelton doing something morally and legally amiss. Also, he wants to serenade someone.

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