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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

HELLRAISER: DEADER



STATS:
Hellraiser: Deader
2005
Directed by Rick Bota
Written by Benjamin Carr and Tim Day
Starring Kari Wuhrer and a bunch of Romanians

An artist’s rendering of my viewing experience.

WHA’ HAPPENED?
An American reporter working in London travels to a seedy city in Romania because it’s cheaper for the producers to film there. Actually, she’s there because she is investigating an ill-defined cult of about twelve people who can cheat death by breathing on each other or something. They kinda use the puzzle box, but not really.

The reporter is flung headfirst into this underground world. Things make less and less sense and has a series of frustrating dream sequences until she kills herself to prevent the gates to Hell from opening. Pinhead is in it for a grand total of two minutes.

WHAT YOU SAY?
“Dreams are fleeting. Only nightmares last forever!” [Editor’s note: this nightmare lasted for 88 minutes.]

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
This film has one of the dumbest titles of any horror movie I’ve heard of. (The cult members call themselves “Deaders.”) The film is also pretty infamous for originally having nothing to do with the Hellraiser franchise. Apparently, the writers decided to coast on Pinhead’s coattails and they just rewrote some scenes to give lip service to Hellraiser fans. (It shows.)

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
It might’ve shown some lady skin. I can’t remember. Nothing gay, though. We do get a lot of dead bodies that are both male and female.


It’s like a very subdued ketchup orgy.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
In a franchise first, Pinhead’s chains shoot through five people at once. Including this Eurotrash guy:

Yeah. Yeah. This effect was pretty cool…
when it was on Death Becomes Her!

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
In one scene, our main character spends a solid five minutes trying to get a knife out of her back. She’s not dying, because this movie is stupid and reality has no bearing on what is going on. But the point is: this scene goes from mildly scary to an absolutely brilliant example of unintentional physical comedy.

So, so stupid.

OK. IS IT GAY?
Naw, it’s not much of anything. There are about three people in the entire cast who have any bearing on the plot. It’s mostly a bunch of nonsense going on in the reporter’s head and she has no control over anything (until she kills herself, because… yay feminism!).

To sum up this movie, I’m going to give you a screenshot of our main character, covered in blood, reaching out in a futile attempt to touch nothing at all.


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