Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Directed by Rick Bota
Written by Joel Soisson and Carl Dupre
Starring Lance Henriksen and the guy who’s about to play Superman

A group of friends spend all their time playing a virtual version of Hellraiser, which is basically just a brainteaser game where they have to open a computer-version of the puzzle box. It’s not exactly Resident Evil. Even so, one of the friends gets so hooked on it that he lights himself on fire. Not surprisingly, this puts a damper on their fun, and they stop playing the game.

Then two years pass, and they totally forget about their dead friend. They decide to go to a Hellraiser-themed party at an old, creepy house. Strange things happen and these characters keep walking into stupid situations. Eventually, Lance Henriksen (the party-thrower) explains the long, complicated reasons for all this BS. (Hint: it involves drugs, cell phones, and getting buried alive.) Then the surviving kids go on their merry way, and Mr. Henriksen gets killed by Pinhead.

Like the franchise’s previous installment, Hellworld was originally unrelated to the Hellraiser mythos. And then money got involved and this quiet, Holocaust drama morphed into a Hellraiser movie about video games and getting buried alive. It was the last film in the series until the upcoming Revelations gets in line to piss on Clive Barker’s legacy.

Did I mention that one of the leads is Henry Cavill, the British actor who was recently cast as Superman? Did I also mention that his smile lights up the screen? No? Well, I must have mentioned that in one scene, he receives a blowjob from a mask-wearing demon girl.

AND he wore an ascot.

Of course. A guy gets decapitated. A girl gets her neck sawed at by some spinning blades. All the extras end up hanging by chains from the ceiling (because they were all hallucinations anyway… or something).

At one point, Lance Henricksen asks the surviving teenagers: “Like a bad horror movie, isn’t it?” Why yes, Lance, yes it is. And that’s exactly the problem. The Hellraiser movies are memorable because they aren’t like normal slasher films. They aren’t about a group of friends who slowly get picked off one-by-one. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what this one does. At the exact moment when Pinhead decapitates a guy with a meat cleaver, I realized that this film is the exact opposite of what the original set out to do.

That said, I enjoyed every minute of it.

There are no gay characters. There’s very little romance, except some chaste nonsense involving the main girl and her creeper friend. But there is eye candy, and that should amount to something. For the simple fact that we get to see future-Superman getting a blowjob, let’s give this one a solid Matthew McConaughey. It’s not gay, but it’s dumb and easy to look at.

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