Directed by Scott Derrickson (Urban Legend 2)
Written by Scott Derrickson and Paul Boardman and NOT Clive Barker
Starring Craig Sheffer, Doug Bradley, and John Turturro’s little brother as “Officer Nenonen”
A bad cop keeps finding little kid fingers planted at murder sites. Each murder brings him closer to “the Engineer,” which is the bearded guy who created the Matrix, apparently. The cop gets attacked by Cenobites too, including a legless version of Chatterer. Then Pinhead shows up for a cameo and explains that he’s been in Hell the whole time. WAH WAH.
Also, the little kid fingers are HIS, because he’s cutting off his own fingers because his flesh is killing his spirit because this movie is retarded and I have no idea what’s happening.
Look! It’s an Enya album cover!
WHAT YOU SAY?
“It's all a puzzle, isn't it, Joseph? Like a game of chess, perhaps. The pieces move, apparently aimlessly, but always towards one single objective: to kill the king. But who is the king in this game, Joseph? That is the question you must ask yourself.”
ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
The first four Hellraiser films (the theatrical ones) made some major mistakes throughout their runtimes (i.e. the camera-head Cenobite from part 3), but they all told one continuous story about Kirstie and Pinhead and… well, maybe it wasn’t 100% continuous. But they did feel like a series. Then this movie came out on video, and it was a completely stand-alone film. It marked a turning point for the series, with each installment having less and less to do with the others. (The last one, in fact, even takes place in the real world.)
First of all, this film stars Craig Sheffer, who impressed me very much as a sexy-dead monster in another Clive Barker film: Nightbreed. It’s been a decade since then, and he’s looking a little more bloated.
This is how Elvis died.
He gets shirtless a few times, but the film is surprisingly sexless for Hellraiser. At least, that’s what I thought until two prostitute Cenobites show up and act all kinds of freaky.
This is how Roy Orbison died.
Similarly, the gore quotient is a little lacking. We don’t even see the obligatory chains until the very end. And even then, it seemed like the filmmakers stuck it in because they were contractually obligated.
He looks bored.
However, we have Karen McClosky from Desperate Housewives walking around with her eyes poked out.
I guess Lynette’s twins went a little far with their latest prank.
One major gripe I have with most of the Hellraiser sequels (besides their meaningless and redundant subtitles) is that they use so much dream logic. There are no stakes in a movie where the characters keep waking up from horrible dreams. Even though a bunch of fantastical stuff happened in the original, the stakes were real because the setting was real. In this one, nothing’s real and everything just seems a little dumber because of it.
Also, Pinhead is freaking
BLUE! I cannot stress that enough.
OK. IS IT GAY?
Not really. Aside from a single scene with the two slutty Cenobites, this film doesn’t really push the sexuality of any of the characters. It’s more interested in teaching us morals about life and drugs and hookers. Pinhead has never been so preachy before.
However, I will let you go with this homoerotic screencap. That’s just how I roll.