Thursday, July 7, 2011


Whiteout is an action thriller from a few years ago that just came and went. I remember watching the trailer and thinking, “Damn. I have to see that!”

“Why?” you ask. Because I love office supplies? Because I’m really really racist against Caucasians?

No and no. It’s because I’m fascinated by Antarctica.

Land of 1000 dreams.

I don’t know why. I don’t like the cold. I live in a place in Arizona where much of the year is in triple digits. I’ve never really seen snow, except for clumps of parking lot whiteness up in Flagstaff. Whatever the reason, I’m a sucker for Antarctica.

And this guy. He’s hypodermaliscious.

I wasn’t expecting much from the movie, and that’s exactly what I got. Unlike the stupid trailer tries to imply, there is no snow monster attacking the science base. This isn’t The Thing with Kate Beckinsale. This is a story about a serial killer who murders a bunch of people because he’s trying to get his hands on some Russian treasure (aka vodka). It’s a stupid mystery, and the killer ends up being the guy I always suspected. (It comes down to the Scooby Doo Effect: There are two suspects. One of them is suspicious. It has to be the other guy.)

But there are a few cool things about this movie. There are some nice special effects, mostly involving a Russian plane and a lot of wind.

This fuzzy blur is some guy falling to his death.

There’s also a gnarly scene where Ms. Beckinsale loses two of her fingers.

Surprisingly, the two hideous black ones ended up being fine.

And of course, there’s the requisite beefcake, this time supplied by The Spirit’s Gabriel Macht. He’s bundled up throughout the entire film, and he spends a lot of the time looking twitchy and suspicious for no reason, but he’s still dreamy.

So was this film a complete waste of time? Not really. It’s been a few days and I honestly don’t remember most of what happened, but I did enjoy the beautiful white scenery:

And the snow wasn’t bad either. Get it? Get it?

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