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Monday, August 29, 2011

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE


STATS:
BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE
1984
Starring Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Charleton Heston, Patrick Stewart, and Sir Lawrence Olivier as Jethro



WHA’ HAPPENED?
Magic wind causes blood-spitting zombies. And bad acting. And kung fu scenes.

And forehead lightning, apparently.

WHAT YOU SAY?
"Not another kung fu scene!"

R. Lee Ermy and Annie Potts had great chemistry together.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
No. It is not. As far as I know, this film has no cult following. I had never heard about it until I saw a  weirdly sticky VHS copy at a thrift store in Topock, Arizona. Since then, I have tried to share this film with the world. My life's goal is to be the Typhoid Mary of Bloodsuckers from Outer Space fandom.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Not so much, which is for the best. All the characters look like they were played be regional theater actors from Colorado City, Utah.

And just as hospitable.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
Yes. The hugely entertaining teaser at the beginning of the film really sets the stage for gore. A farmer stands downwind from an evil gust of... wind, and then starts throwing up fake blood for two minutes.

It's a slow build, this film.

Of course, it wouldn't be a zombie film without severed limbs, which leads us to the following screen capture:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was
an arm. Note the beautiful shirt fabric.

PLOT HOLES:
Not a single one. This film is thoroughly researched and strikingly realistic in its depiction of the inner city problems of 80s-era urban youth.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
I present to you a beheading, without any explanation:


OK. IS IT GAY?
Oh God no. You straights can keep this one. We shall just watch and silently mock.

WATCH THIS FILM BEFORE IT TANKS AT THE BOX OFFICE


Not all horror remakes suck. This does not have the stench of Platinum Dunes anywhere near it. Please check it out. It's not particularly gay. It's just badass.

And look at this guy...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

INVITATION TO HELL


STATS:
Invitation to Hell
1984
Directed by Wes Craven
Starring Robert Urich, Joanna Cassidy, and Susan Lucci


WHA’ HAPPENED?
Robert Urich and his family move to a new housing community where TV-appropriate weirdness starts happening. The neighbors act suspiciously, his secretary tries to warn him about things, and it seems like everyone wants them to join a shady country club called Steaming Piles Springs.


Oh, and did I mention that the country club’s logo looks like three turds sitting on a plate?


Robert's family joins without him, and they complete an initiation that involves walking into a sauna (whilst fully clothed) and pledging their undying loyalty to the country club. At this point, I realized the movie was a hard-hitting exposé of Scientology.


From then on, Robert's family starts acting just as strangely as their neighbors. His wife starts using kitchen knives, his son plays his video games or something, and the daughter… I don’t remember. None of it really seemed all that suspicious to me. That is, until the attempted dog murder, which is a pretty horrendous thing to do.

Robert realizes that his only recourse would be to go to the evil country club and sneak into the sauna. Thankfully, he steals a spacesuit from his work. It can withstand extremely high temperatures, it can shoot lasers, and it can sense whether something is human or not. And where does Robert work, you may ask. Answer: Office Max.

He uses his spacesuit to infiltrate the magic sauna, which looks like this on the inside:


Yes, inside the sauna is a matte painting. But that’s not all. See that cliff that defies the laws of physics? He jumps off it and lands in a magic purple world where his family (or at least the good parts of their personalities) are trapped. Robert has to struggle through the psychedelia and save the day.


Does he? You’ll have to watch to find out. Actually, please don’t.

WHAT YOU SAY?
"Now it's time to sleep with the angels, my little pookie."

"Made you jump, Mr. Winslow."

"The club is a special place. Very special."

"Do you forsake all for the club?"

"I'm just making love to you, honey. That’s all. I’m just making love to you."

"You’ve been a bad bunny. I've got to punish you."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
So why is this film of interest to gay audiences? One reason: Susan Lucci.

Actually, two reasons: Susan Lucci and her many hairstyles.

During the climactic Halloween party (Did I mention there was a climactic Halloween party?) she comes dressed as the scariest thing she could think of: Susan Lucci.

With weird cheekbone glitter.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
For a movie revolving around an evil sauna, there is so little nudity it’s almost a crime.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
This is a TV movie, so we get very little of anything. A bunch of stuff happens off-screen (car accidents and whatnot), and a few people get shot by lasers. Basically, this is the kind of film that wrings scares out of wacky neighbors putting on gorilla masks and leaning against windows.

A screen capture from Saw IV.

That said, the movie opens with Susan Lucci getting run over, jumping back up, and melting the driver with her magic finger. If ever there were an opening scene tailor made for my sensibilities, it would be that.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:
Um, I honestly didn’t understand the ending. So his family was trapped in the magic sauna, but their evil personality traits were walking around in the real world? Or were those people just impostors? And what happened to everyone else who was abducted by the sauna? I’m sure some, if not all, of these questions were answered somewhere in the film, but I was under whelmed by everything after that kick-ass teaser that I guess things flew past me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
How do we know Susan Lucci can’t be trusted? Because the space suit labeled her "Non-human Malignant."


So this is the game that the little boy (the kid from D.A.R.Y.L.) was obsessed with through most of the film:


Ladies and gentleman, this is Astro Bomber. Personally, I think that this might have too much math to make for an interesting game. It’s like playing Calculus Blasters 101.

OK. IS IT GAY?
Well, there are no gay characters and very little bromance (even though I hate hate hate that word).


And like I said, there is absolutely no nudity worth mentioning…

But then again, Susan Lucci…


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

LGBTerror Is IRRESISTIBLY SWEET!

I write horror movie reviews. I judge movies on the amount of decapitations and male toplessness. I’m not Tolstoy. So needless to say, the last thing I expected was to get an award for writing this blog. But guess what. This morning, I found out that The Moon Is a Dead World, one of my favorite horror blogs, bestowed unto me THE IRRESISTIBLY SWEET BLOG AWARD, complete with strawberries and a Harlequin Romance font.


Now, let’s be honest for a second. This award is basically the chain letter version of the Golden Globes. I seriously doubt that the person who invented it had any idea that it would eventually end up on a horror blog that reviews movies like Humongous and Evil Bong. That said, I am so freaking excited to get this, especially since it came from Ryne over at Moon Is a Dead World, a guy who puts out a really great site.


I highly recommend this site to anyone interested in horror movies. Not only is it a great resource for the latest DVD releases, but it offers reviews and articles daily. He is way more active with his site than I am with mine. Like LGBTerror, Moon Is a Dead World doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it is slightly more journalistic than mine. It’s a great reading experience. Check it out.

So as part of the terms of the award, I am supposed to write seven previously unknown things about myself. Lets see…


7.         I don’t eat mayonnaise. I think it’s the devil's food and I cannot stand to even have it on my skin. I think that my aversion has to do with the time I ate a bad chicken sandwich at Rubys in Newport and threw up on my grandma. (True story.) Fricking mayonnaise.


6.         My dad was an animator. Back in the 70s, he worked for a studio called Filmation, where he drew for some of their Saturday morning cartoons. He has some interesting stories.


5.         I cry every time I watch Babe: Pig in the City. If you haven’t seen that movie, you have to. It is an experience and you will love it with your soul.


4.         I lived in South Africa for a year. Cape Town, specifically. I loved it there and plan to go back as soon as I can afford it. Great town.


3.         I met Kimmy Gibbler. Everyone has celebrity sightings, and I’ve seen some interesting ones in my life, but my fondest star moment was when I was six and I saw Andrea Barber by my house in Whittier, California. She played Kimmy Gibbler, the annoying next-door neighbor on Full House. We had a moment.


2.         My first horror movie was Leprechaun. I saw it at my aunt's house when I wasn’t supposed to. I was seven. I loved it then and I love it now.


1.         My brother accidentally pushed me out a window when I was two. I think that story is pretty self-explanatory. I’ve since gotten over it. I have a cool foot scar, though.

And that, my friends, is a little something about me. Now I hope you enjoy my upcoming posts about Saturday the 14th and Bloodsuckers from Outer Space. They don’t call me Irresistibly Sweet© for nothing.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

HUMONGOUS

I am not sure what the picture is meant to be.
It looks like a floating drumstick with feet.

HUMONGOUS is an early eighties (1982) slasher flick set on a deserted island, where a young woman raises her baby (the product of a sexual assault) to go around murdering people. The baby is now a Jason Voorhees-type mutant, and he has a lot of killing to do once a group of horny teens sneak onto his land.

I wanted to enjoy this film. I really did, but when the plot hinges on an opening rape scene, it takes away all the goofy fun for the rest of the movie. It is like watching The Hangover right after Million Dollar Baby. No matter how much you like Zach Galifianakis, you cant laugh because you keep thinking about poor Hilary Swank and her spinal cord.

That said, there was plenty of beefcake in the form of young, blonde guys wandering around trying to solve the mystery of the island.

Like this guy, the Laurence Olivier of the bunch.

What were some of the clues they found, you might ask. Skulls, a giant crib, footprints, basically every possible hint that there was a psycho mutant baby all grown up and really to kill.

I found this skull right next to some baby toys.
I got it! Skeleton babysitters!

Even though it takes the group a ludicously long time to realize that they are getting murdered one by one, the movie still kept my attention. This was probably because their little island setting was oozing with atmosphere.

Cool house. Too bad the cameraman
forgot to steady his tripod before filming.

Plus, there were plenty of deaths. Not particularly memorable deaths, but deaths nonetheless. Besides, what they lacked in quality they made up for in quantity.


And overacting.

However, my biggest (non-rape) gripe with the film is that it was so freaking dark. Now, I understand that horror movies need nighttime and shadows and all that. But when the sun sets and these teenagers start getting murdered, it was almost like those scenes in Scooby Doo where you cant see anything besides eyeballs.

Thankfully the director liked to shine a
light on the back of the murderer.s head.
At least its a start. And at least he
did better than the tripod guy.

Still, for a movie with some many scenes involving people jumping out of the background, it would be nice if we SAW the background half the time.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

William Sleator


William Sleator, YA sci-fi novelist, died this week at the age of 66. He was one of my personal heroes. If you are a gay fan of genre fiction, you have probably heard of him. If not, read House of Stairs right away.

Monday, August 8, 2011

High Spirits



STATS:
High Spirits
1988
Director: Neil Jordan
Writer: Neil Jordan
Starring: Daryl Hannah, Peter O’Toole, Steve Guttenberg



WHA’ HAPPENED?
A castle is about to go out of business, so Peter O'Toole, the owner, hires actors to play fake ghosts to draw in the stupid Americans. Of course, there are actual ghosts in the castle, and they are all really horny.

WHAT YOU SAY?
You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Sure, it’s a late 80s horror comedy starring the Gutte himself, but it was also directed by Neil “Crying Game” Jordan, which makes it of immediate interest to gay film fans.

The twist is that she was a… werewolf the whole time.

Also… the Gutte. Gay fans love them some Gutte.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Police Academy 3 to 5 had more nudity. AND better wacky sound effects.



But you do see semi-nudity, mostly of the holy-crap-a-ghost-is-stripping-off-my-clothes variety.

No comment.

There are also scenes of an undead yet bulge-y Liam Neeson. Not bad.


I am not exactly sure what is happening in this picture.

For straight audiences, Daryl Hannah shows some ghost curves, though, so some people could appreciate that.


I think she was hotter in Splash.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
Not so much. It is a comedy. But look at the above picture of Daryl Hannah. Scary.

OK. IS IT GAY?
Not really. But it has a goofyball sense of sexuality that most people could appreciate, even if they are not bent over in laughter. As evidence, here is the closest thing to a sex scene. It is basically a ghost walking through a human. With mood music.