Pages

Saturday, September 17, 2011

HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING


STATS:
HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING
1995
Directed by, written by, and starring Clive Turner (a modern day Orson Welles)

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Not a lot. There are more scenes of line-dancing than werewolf violence, hence the film's original name: Howling VII: Please Don’t Watch This Because It’s All About Line Dancing. Actually, the film depicts a small town panicking after a body is found. The townspeople suspect werewolves because they are townspeople, and thus extremely stupid. A red-haired cowboy from Australia saves the day. And… that’s about it.

WHAT YOU SAY?
[Last lines of the film] "Oh, we thank you so much for this beautiful benefit. Thank all of our neighbors and our friends and Ted, we're sorry. I was looking at Pappy with that tail on his hat and I thought about a song that I wrote just for him and the cleaning lady."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I always, always, always wanted to see this film. I had heard that this was the worst werewolf movie ever made. I heard it had some truly nonsensical dialogue between non actors. I heard it made people’s eyes bleed. I just HAD to see it.

I also knew that it was written, produced, and directed by its Australian star, who got the part because he happened to be a minor character in two of the other Howling sequels. I love those kind of auteur-driven films, because they’re usually bad in a very self-indulgent way. And that, my friends, is the best kind of bad. Also, he looked like this:

Before I saw this man, I had no idea why
us red-heads always got such a bad rap.

More topically, I wanted to spotlight this film because I knew there was an upcoming sequel-slash-reboot of the franchise. It looks similarly awful, but it’s clearly targeting the teenage demo, instead of the living-in-a-ghost-town-and-cooking-meth demo.


SHIRTS AND SKINS:
This film uses actual townspeople at a small, rustic ghost town. Let me repeat: real people who still live in a ghost town. There is no nudity and I am so, so grateful.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
There is a grand total of two legit murder scenes, and both of those aren’t worth mixed nuts. More egregiously, there is very little werewolf action. The glimpses of werewolf that we go catch are so poorly computer-animated (ahh, the 90s) that you gotta thank the stars that the lighting is so bad.

Pictured: the werewolf mid-attack

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Perhaps the creepiest, most atmospheric scene in the whole film involves line dancing. And absolutely no danger whatsoever. Just line dancing. If that doesn’t pique your interest… then I don’t blame you. Because this film is really dull.


OK. IS IT GAY?
No. Thank God. It’s as gay as Larry the Cable Guy… and only half as scary.


Seriously. This film has a reputation for being so-bad-it’s-good. Don’t believe the rumors. This is way too boring to be fun. It’s like watching an episode of MST3K without the talking robots.

No comments:

Post a Comment