Wednesday, September 7, 2011


The Unnamable
Directed by Jean-Paul Ouellette
Written by the same guy... and H. P. Lovecraft, I guess

Not much. After an opening prologue tailor-made for the fast-forward button, we meet two groups of college students (geeks and fraternity/sorority idiots) who decide in completely unrelated conversations to sneak into a haunted house. Why? Because holy crap this movie makes no sense.

From there, the characters wander around Scooby Doo-style in a big spooky house. Something unnamable (which I would totally be able to name; let's call him Fraggle) kills them a lot. One of the college students, a Lovecraftian fellow who annoyed the crap out of me, defeats it by invoking tree spirits or something.

I am not much of a Lovecraft fan, but I am a fan of bad early-90s horror films based on Lovecraft stories. And while this had a few Lovecraftian touches (the university, the Necronomicon, the fact that two women faint within two minutes of each other), it uses the bare bones of a story to tell a pretty standard slasher plot. I liked that combo. And by "liked," I mean "was intrigued by."

The film stars three handsome-ish college nerds, two hot jocks, and two sorority girls. As expected, the two girls get to show some skin. The cute guys, not so much.

There was a lot of dripping blood and snapped necks (via a flopping puppet hand), but very little gore. There was, however, a half-decent fake head (the other half was less "decent" and more "papier maché").

There wasn’t a lot of plot to speak of, thus the amount of holes was limited. However, there was one major flaw with this film: they should not have shown so much of the unnamable creature. From its lustrous, silken leg fur to its comically large ears (or horns?) this creature is way too stupid to be unnamable. Like I said: Fraggle. Every time I saw its cute little cloven feet, I had one of two thoughts: 1) Well, he’s really white. And 2) He kind of gestures like Jim Carrey pretending to be a velociraptor.

The filmmakers have taken a story by one of the most influential horror writers of all time and turned it into a repetitive, pointless slasher flick that barely scores brownie points by name-dropping the Necronomicon. That said, I had a freaking blast. It is not gay, nor is it much of a movie. If you asked me why I liked it so much, I would say it’s unnamable.

Get it...

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