Wyvern

STATS:

Wyvern

2009

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Jason Bourque

Starring: Nick Chinlund, Erin Karpluk (No, I did not make up those last names), and Whitey from One Tree Hill

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A wyvern attacks a small Alaska town and strands its residents with no means of reaching the outside world. It’s a tale as old as time.

(A wyvern is a dragon, by the way.)

Pete’s Wyvern

The townspeople are kooky in a Northern Exposure-type way. They get eaten periodically before finally defeating the wyvern with a truck. (Half-hearted spoiler alert.)

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a Syfy channel original movie, so it caters to the lowest common denominator of creature feature enthusiasts (i.e. cat ladies and shut-ins). I caught this on a rainy, gloomy Saturday morning, which only added to the pure terror of computer-animated carnage.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Nothing. It’s Alaska. Everyone dresses like Sarah Palin. I ODed on flannel.

Yowza.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Surprisingly, a fair amount. Sure, the camera cuts away whenever anything grisly happens, but there was a fair share of disembowelments and stumps. People got eaten a lot, which is as it should be.

Unlike Boredom-Fest 2011.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I’m going to work in the word “wyvern” in daily conversation.

“Wyvern” sounds like the very last thing Ernest would say after getting murdered by his best friend who finally snapped.

I apologize for the previous random thought. I enjoy puns.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not at all. No man-candy. No coded gay characters. There was barely any straight romance. Sure the townspeople were watered-down-quirky, but it was nothing to write home about.

Honestly, I’m not surprised. Syfy movies are often the blandest of the bland, especially when they don’t feature 80s-mall-singer-sensations.

That was not who I was talking about.

And when something is bland, it’s most definitely not gay. I’ll give this a couple John Waynes.