SCREAM 2

STATS:
Scream 2
1997
Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Kevin Williamson
Starring: Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Jamie Kennedy, the fat kid from Stand By Me

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Ghostface is back… and this time he’s gone to college!

Just pour the Milwaukee ’s Best through my mask. I’ll manage.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Scream was a seminal moment for post-modern horror. Everyone knows this. Scream 2 came less than a year later and is almost as highly regarded as the original. It’s less groundbreaking, but it still comes with an aura of late-90s awesomeness that’s pretty hard to deny.Plus, Kevin Williamson is a pretty important figure for gay entertainment.

If you ignore Hidden Palms, of course.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Jerry O’Connell gets tied up and shirtless, which is always nice. Other than that, I couldn’t find anything to mention.

Hey, Jerry, why don’t you SLIDE into a universe without clothes?

BLOOD AND GUTS:
Ever watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and thought, “I like that blonde girl, but wouldn’t it be cool if she got murdered?”? Well, you’re in luck. Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this film for a grand total of two scenes, one of which is her death scene. (Hint: it’s the second one.)

Despite Randy’s rule that sequels have death scenes that are “much more elaborate,” the deaths in this one don’t exactly put the original’s to shame. I’m very fond of the opening death with Mrs. Will Smith (and the way Scary Movie spoofed it). I also liked the random car chase death and Buffy’s sorority slaughter.

However, the climax (set on the stage of some Greek play) is definitely underwhelming compared to the original film.

I get the Cassandra motif, but if they were going Greek,
why not go all the way?

On the other hand, Randy’s death was sudden and extremely affective. It was almost like he’d been X’ed.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
I’d like to imagine what Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Cruel Intentions character would do in this film. Or in I Know What You Did Last Summer… Hmm…

She’d probably snort some coke and NOT get horribly murdered.

Speaking of Cruel Intentions… Ryan Philippe should be in this film. He should look like late-90s Ryan Philippe but have the voice of late-00s Ryan Philippe.

And he should jog.

For those who aren’t aware, the film’s original killers were totally different. Can you imagine Jerry O’Connell murdering anyone? I mean, except for Horatio Sanz in Tomcats.

The death of fun.

OK. IS IT GAY?
It doesn’t have the homoerotic overtones that Billy and Stu shared in the first film, but it’s still pretty quippy and Kevin Williamson-y.

True story: I wrote a college paper on their relationship. I aced that sucker.

It also includes a possibly gay cop. And it doesn’t exactly scrimp on WB flavor. And it includes Ellen Degeneres’s future wife as a weirdly-eyebrowed sorority sister.

After she got famous. And tweezed.

All-in-all, I’d give this a solid Chris Colfer, you know, because it’s gay and it’s courting the youth demo.

SCRE4M

STATS:
Scre4m
2011
Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Kevin Williamson
Starring: Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox-Arquette (burn), Emma Roberts

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Sidney Prescott returns to Woodsboro right as a new Ghostface (or two) kills a bunch of people. Once again, she teams up with Gale Weather and Deputy Dewey (who have both become pretty unkillable as the franchise continues). Sidney has to protect her young cousin and her friends before the killer rips off every death scene from the original.

That said, the last half hour strays from the template and becomes off-the-wall random and so, so good.

Hint: sand worms.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Look. My generation grew up with these films. I would miss my birthday before I missed a Scream film. (I almost said “wedding” but then I felt guilty.)

From a gay standpoint, these films are the offspring of Kevin Williamson’s id, which is an endless string of bitchy quips and strong women. He could write a He-Man movie and make it seem gay.

Then again… that’s probably not a challenge.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
The shady red herring boyfriend is all kinds of beautiful, from his styled hair to his weirdly lopsided, Corey-Haims-mouth.

Other than that, the Scream franchise is known for being light on the coed nudity. Lots of cop uniforms, though.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
One of the rules of the sequel, as expounded by the late, great Randy from Scream 2, is that the death scenes of sequels are always much more elaborate. After watching Scream 2, I beg to differ. However, Scream 4 (or Scre4m, if you’re feeling particularly David Fincher-y) is chock full of blood and grue. The opening scene alone is a conveyor belt of bimbos dying horribly.

Most of the victims are young and female, busty and female, or young, busty and female. Oh, and there’s Adam Brody for some reason. (That was not a spoiler. His death is shown in the trailer.)

Most of the deaths (as exemplified by the opening shock) are sudden and spurty. Also, without giving anything away, one of the young stars suffers a ridiculous string of self-abuse.

This is a hint.

Look, people return to the Scream-well to see witty, hyper-verbal young’uns die horribly. And trust me, that well has not yet run dry.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Hey look! It’s Adam Brody.

I guess this is the closest that we’ll ever get to a True Blood/Veronica Mars crossover event.

Except in my dreams.

OK. IS IT GAY?
Yup. Every line of dialog Kevin Williamson writes is on the gay side of the bitchy-spectrum. One character says he’s gay to avoid getting murdered (It’s the RULES, man), but I doubt that he really was. Other than him (and an Anthony Anderson/Adam Brody bromance), there aren’t any genuine gay moments. But there’s a whole lot of bitchy.

I give this a Paul Lynde center square.