PROPHECY

STATS:

THE PROPHECY

1995

Written and Directed by Gregory Widen

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Angels try to kill humans. It’s a lot like Legion, except Paul Bettany is now Eric Stoltz and the story actually makes sense. But it basically comes down to the merry fact that angels are messed up. Also, Christopher Walken is Gabriel and he wants to destroy Heaven. I believe the entire story is based on the Book of Revelations by Michael Bay.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a fairly well regarded horror-action movie. It spawned four sequels (according to the bargain bin DVD set I got at K-mart for 99 cents and a ball of twine). I actually have never seen this movie, though I have seen the little-loved Prophecy from the guy who wrote The Omen. That was about a killer bear mutant, and it somehow didn’t include a scene where Christopher Walken lights Eric Stoltz's head on fire. So… Basically what I’m saying is that I really needed to see this movie.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Lots of accidental homoeroticism, thank you very much, courtesy of the amazeballs sexual tension between TMNT's Casey Jones and LOTR's Aragorn. (What fan fiction!)

There are so many back rubs in Hell.

…AAAAANNNNNNDDDD…. Let’s look at that from another angle, shall we? This is hilarious.

Front rubs, too.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
It’s interesting to watch a movie with a very, very evil Satan as a key supporting character, and yet he is NOT the bad guy. I guess even Satan isn’t as wicked-awesome as Christopher Walken, Gigli-notwithstanding.

There are clever touches amidst all the dumb-headed voiceover that adds absolutely nothing to the story. (Seriously. Where’s Angela Chase when you need her!) But the story moves along quickly and Virginia Madsen is beautiful as ever. I can see why this has a cult following, and while I’m not quite ready to drink this particular brand of Cool-Aid, I did have a good time.

Here is Satan, walking into the sunset.

THE PROPHECY

The Devil is one scary mo-fo. But he is also one charismatic, sexy individual. Just check out THIS recent article at cracked.com. I thought that I might give special acknowledgement to my personal favorite Satan: Viggo from The Prophecy.

I mean, just look at that white trash hair cut. And just oozes sex, evene if he is in the movie for a grand total of about seven minutes. Christopher Walken is actually the bad guy in this story, leaving Satan to prowl around and say vaguely homoerotic threats to our hero (Casey Jones from TMNT 1 and 3).

Nice. Let us take a look at that from a different angle.

Yup. That is the root of all evil, right there. And he has never been more persuasive.

11-11-11

Did anyone see this movie? Seriously? Anyone at all?

And why would someone be interested in watching it on, say, November 12th? That said, I am SO going to rent this when it comes out on video.

THE LAST EXORCISM

The age-old story of a young girl who dreams of being Spider-Man.

The horror mockumentary genre has some surprising legs. When Paranormal Activity came out, I thought it would be like Blair Witch--a popular, trendy movie that completely fades from pop culture within two years (and after at least one misbegotten sequel). Because let us face it: Blair Witch Project has aged about as well as old ham.

But cut to 2011, when two more Paranormal Activities have graced the screen and a minor flood of copycats have taken up shelf space at Blockbuster. Oh wait, we were talking about 2011. Scratch that Blockbuster part. And while most of the copycats have been awful (like Paranormal Entity, which is a real movie that I did not make up), there have been some gems, particularly Quarantine (the American remake) and The Last Exorcism, which takes the mockumentary format and runs with it.

It takes the mockumentary format up to 11, some might say.

The Last Exorcism follows an exorcist who is kind of a smarmy douche. He is out to disprove the idea of exorcisms. He says he wants to protect the children, but he always comes across as more self-serving than he thinks he is. And that character is really where the movie shines. I have a bad feeling about the recently announced sequel, because this character probably will not be in it (for reasons I would rather not say... Actually, screw it. He dies.) Because this guy is such a flawed, likeable, interested person, all the craziness around him really pops.

That is not to say that the other characters are lacking. The possessed girl and her creepy ginger brother are the kinds of people I have nightmares about when I travel through rural Arizona. And the crazy-religious father bounces back and forth between sympathetic and unsympathetic so many times that you dont know how to feel by the end of it.

I felt kinda like that.

And what an ending. I already spoiled one part of it, but everything about the last five minutes of this movie is totally bad-ass. There is no other way to say that. This isnt some masterpiece or anything, but it is so freaking cool and fun. Very rarely do I see a movie that is absolutely perfectly on my wavelength. It happened with Babe: Pig in the City. It happened with Batman Returns. And it happened with this movie. Check it out.