JACK-O

  

Fun Fact: Jack-O is one of the worst horror movies and best first ladies of all time. I am, of course, more inclined to write about the horror movie than the first lady, because I have seen the horror movie three times under various levels of intoxication. (And I have seen the first lady zero times under zero levels of intoxication. Man, this blog is getting weird.)

  

Anyway, Jack-O is an ultra-low-budget Pumpkinhead story from the early 90s. (There are no pill-box hats in sight.) I was planning to write up a blog post about this movie after I watched it last year, but I honestly could not think of anything clever or interesting to say about it, so I just let the memories fade into the back of my pumpkin head.

  

Today, when I was cleaning out my computer and looking at all my random saved photos (Hello, Eartha Kitt from Ernest Scared Stupid!), I came across the above picture. Now I honestly could not remember if this was a screen cap from Jack-O or an episode of Goosebumps. I believe it is actually from Goosebumps. But the fact that there was ever any doubt really says a lot about Jack-O. And basically, what it says is please do not watch Jack-O.

AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE

     
Amityville Dollhouse
1996
  

Tagline: The biggest name in horror comes home. (What?)

    

Starring Kalabar from Disney’s Halloweentown. That’s about it. And it took me literally the entire movie to figure out where I knew him from.

    

     

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Basically the same nonsense from all the Amityville sequels: supporting characters die but the family is more-or-less safe. Everyone thinks the dad is going crazy. The house blows up at the end.
      
The difference here is that the magic dollhouse of the title is to blame, and it can summon demons, giant rats, and previously dead relatives. Also, the family’s younger son is a creepy little whiner whose only friend is a pet rat. Remember when I said that no one in the core family gets murdered? Well, sometimes that’s not a good thing.
   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

The mid-90s was a wonderland of random direct-to-video sequels to semi-popular horror films. Some were fun (Leprechaun 2, 3, and 4), some were painful (Children of the Corn 5), and some involved an evil dollhouse that summoned dead people.
    

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The older son has a shirtless make-out session with his girlfriend. It’s fairly steamy, until the girlfriend basically gets eaten by the fireplace. It’s kind of a mood-killer.
     

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The zombie dad was pretty great, in a Pet Semetary 2 kind of way, and the burn victim girlfriend was effective. (Seriously, do NOT date someone who lives in a haunted house.) But the coolest scene is when the teen son gets an earful of mosquito. It was like that scene in Wrath of Khan, but with a more realistic fake ear. Gloopy goodness.
        

FINAL THOUGHTS:

After watching Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (which is a slightly lamer title than Dollhouse), I’ve decided that this sequel is just as bad, if slightly less inconsequential. As always, there are plenty of dry patches, and the climax is a little rushed (Look! A demon! Okay, let’s leave.) But it’s charming in a bone-headed way, and the scene with the giant rat was adorable.

PROPHECY

STATS:

THE PROPHECY

1995

Written and Directed by Gregory Widen

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Angels try to kill humans. It’s a lot like Legion, except Paul Bettany is now Eric Stoltz and the story actually makes sense. But it basically comes down to the merry fact that angels are messed up. Also, Christopher Walken is Gabriel and he wants to destroy Heaven. I believe the entire story is based on the Book of Revelations by Michael Bay.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a fairly well regarded horror-action movie. It spawned four sequels (according to the bargain bin DVD set I got at K-mart for 99 cents and a ball of twine). I actually have never seen this movie, though I have seen the little-loved Prophecy from the guy who wrote The Omen. That was about a killer bear mutant, and it somehow didn’t include a scene where Christopher Walken lights Eric Stoltz's head on fire. So… Basically what I’m saying is that I really needed to see this movie.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Lots of accidental homoeroticism, thank you very much, courtesy of the amazeballs sexual tension between TMNT's Casey Jones and LOTR's Aragorn. (What fan fiction!)

There are so many back rubs in Hell.

…AAAAANNNNNNDDDD…. Let’s look at that from another angle, shall we? This is hilarious.

Front rubs, too.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
It’s interesting to watch a movie with a very, very evil Satan as a key supporting character, and yet he is NOT the bad guy. I guess even Satan isn’t as wicked-awesome as Christopher Walken, Gigli-notwithstanding.

There are clever touches amidst all the dumb-headed voiceover that adds absolutely nothing to the story. (Seriously. Where’s Angela Chase when you need her!) But the story moves along quickly and Virginia Madsen is beautiful as ever. I can see why this has a cult following, and while I’m not quite ready to drink this particular brand of Cool-Aid, I did have a good time.

Here is Satan, walking into the sunset.

CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL

I am fascinated with low-budget independent musicals. There is just something grand and epic about the musical genre, so watching something grand and epic rendered on a tiny, do-it-yourself scale is unlike any other type of indie. Indie musicals are special. Case-in-point: I just saw Colma the Musical, which has some gay interest but very little in regards to horror, so it probably would not be a good fit for this website. But watching it inspired me to check out a few more cheapie musicals, specifically this one. Cannibal!

I caught it back in the late-90s when my brother and I were obsessed with all things South Park. We worshipped Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And, unbeknownst to my brother, I had the biggest effing crush on Trey Parker. I mean, look at him. He looks so wholesome and so...

Well, maybe wholesome is little off. But rewatching this film was a lot of fun mainly because it was an opportunity to remember my schoolboy crush on this guy. The songs were good, and a lot of the humor worked. Some of the jokes... not so much. Maybe I have since grown out of the rhythm of this kind of humor, because there were specific moments in the film that I found hysterical the first time around that now left me... well, not laughing.

Here is an example:

Still, Cannibal! is a solid movie and an admirable effort for a low-budget student film. It definitely shows off the glimmers of talent that Parker and Stone will eventually display. But, like I said, my favorite part was spending some time with a long-forgotten crush.

GATE 2: TRESPASSERS

I’m a huge fan of The Gate. I always have been. Any movie with hordes of stop-motion mini-creatures invading late-80s suburbia is right up my alley. I like Gremlins, and I love Ghoulies, and I tolerate Munchies. Plus, it had a young Stephen Dorff, the pocket hunk from Blade, back when he was a little kid with the exact same head as his adult version. Oh yeah, The Gate was a fun ride.

So I was always curious about The Gate 2. I enjoy tracking down little-seen, little-loved sequels to horror classics (Fright Night 2: The Squeakquel), and there are fewer movies less seen and less loved than this one. It was one of the few films, along with Saturday the 14th and The Bermuda Depths, that I regularly looked for on Netflix Instant. But when Netflix failed me, Youtube delivered. Check out all ten parts of this movie as soon as possible; otherwise you just might miss it.

Gate 2 is totally Dorff-less, and instead focuses on his creepy William Finley-looking best friend who tries to open the same gate and unleash a bunch of demons because his dad is alcoholic or something. There’s also an unearned romance with Pamela Segall, because there has to be a romance, right? I’m not going to focus too much on the story, because it feels like a lame version of the original, and comes across as centerless and weirdly short, even though its runtime is roughly the same as the original. (Such is the power of Dorff, I guess.) I will say that the goofy mini-creatures are back, and the effects are still a lot of fun, and there is the added twist of our main characters crossing over into the other side. (In this movie, WE are the Trespassers. Apparently.) But all that adds up to a competent, enjoyable ride that you’ll probably forget in the near future.

I would like to mention, though, that I experienced a very specific thrill watching this movie that I didn’t understand at first. As the credits began, I was genuinely excited about what would happen next. And even when the reality of this movie slowly deflated my excitement, there was still something there, thudding away in my little fanboy heart. Long after the movie was over, I finally figured out what that feeling was: the excitement of tracking down a rare movie. In the post-Netflix age, there really isn’t such a thing as rarity anymore. Everything is at your fingertips, and everything is equal. That’s definitely a good thing. But at the same time, it’s not. Without the need to track something down, to stumble across the rare VHS or DVD in some bargain bin, nothing feels special anymore. Not in the way it used to. Tracking down this movie somehow made it more special to me, even though the movie itself was underwhelming and passable. I have a feeling this will be one of the last movies that gives me that kind of thrill. And for that, I definitely treasure my Gate 2 experience.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Collection Completed

What I Thought It Was About: A madman rounds up humans to assemble the perfect wife or something. He only needs one body part left—let’s say the eyes—when he picks a donor who knows how to fight back.

What It Was Actually About: Beloved character actor M. Emmet Walsh is such a douche to his animal-loving wife that he taxidermies her pets. So she taxidermies him. The last shot of the show (before the Cryptkeeper says a bunch of stuffing puns) is his sewn up, bloated corpse. The end.

Adorable. He looks like a bumbling sheriff from a mid-60s Disney cartoon.

Was It Good? Well, it was a shocker. As far as nasty little two-person plays go, this one wasn’t too bad. I just wish both characters were slightly more likeable. I mean, they HAVE to be jackasses. The ending wouldn’t make sense if the husband and wife were better people. But the audience has to sit through a lot of sniping and complaining to get to the twist. I get the distinct impression that this kind of story works much better as a 6-page comic than a 22-minute TV episode. It’s less annoying that way.

Speaking of taxidermy, this story was directed by Mary Lambert of Pet Semetary.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Lover Come Hack to Me

What I Thought It Was About: The very special Valentine episode about a woman who suspects her husband is a serial killer, but then you find out that they’re BOTH serial killers or something. (See! I can totally write an episode!)

What It Was Actually About: A husband plans to murder his new wife (for money, of course). I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the tables will be turned and the wife will murder the husband. Especially because that wife is played by crazy actress extraordinaire Amanda Plummer.

Was It Good? Sure, as far as these things go. It’s basically a two-person play that slowly reveals more and more craziness about the wife. The acting is solid, and you can’t go wrong with Amanda Plummer wielding giant axes and whatnot.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Dig That Cat... He’s Real Gone

What I Thought It Was About: A hipster who gains the power of invisibility and goes about spying on people, until he gets his just desserts.

What It Was Actually About: Joey Pants gets a cat gland that gives him nine lives. He uses it to make a bunch of money, working closely with that guy who played Arliss. Remember Arliss? That was a good show. Unfortunately, Joey Pants kills himself one too many times and dies for good. Wakka wakka.

Was It Good? As good as anything involving cat glands can be. The ending was nasty and fun, and I very much liked watching Joey Pants sweat things out. But yeah, Arliss was a good show.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Only Sin Deep

Fun Fact: Howard Deutch, the episode director, is also known for directing Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful. So… yeah…

What I Thought It Was About: An aging model uses a potion to regain her youthful face, but it turns her into a snake monster.

What It Was Actually About: Lea Thompson, a prostitute, sells her looks to some magic somebody so that she could use the money to catch a rich bachelor. I believe things backfire for her.

Was It Good? Yeah, it kind of was. Lea Thompson is always a likeable actress, even when she plays horrible characters. And this character is horrible. But she’s fun to watch. Sure, the twist can be seen from miles away, but oh well. (For future reference, when you find yourself in an episode of Tales from the Crypt, don’t make any deals with anybody. They will not turn out well.)

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: And All Through the House

What I Thought It Was About: A killer Santa.

What It Was Actually About: I was right! A woman kills her husband and tries to ditch the body when she gets attacked by a killer Santa played by the Downs syndrome guy from LA Law.

Was It Good? Hell yes. This is the first episode ever filmed, and it was such a good way to start the show off right. It was scary and funny and holy crap Larry Drake is a good killer Santa.

LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III

STATS:

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

1990

Directed by Jeff Burr

Starring Viggo Mortensen (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Leatherface kills a bunch of people by the side of the road. Hilarity ensues.

WHAT YOU SAY?

There’s road kill all over Texas.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is sort of the forgotten sequel in the original Chainsaw series. It’s not the original, obviously. It’s not known as the funny one. And it’s not the god awful one that nearly derailed Rene Zelwegger's career before it even started. It’s just that other one, the one in the middle that has Viggo Mortensen in it, but no one can remember what happens.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Sure, it’s graphic. This whole series is. But a lot of the violence is so quick and badly lit, it was hard to even keep track of who was still alive and who wasn’t. Not much of a ringing endorsement, huh?

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

I’m not an expert on chainsaws, but I don’t think they’d still be running as they slowly sink into a lake. Just saying.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

There’s a reason this movie is a footnote in the franchise. After watching it two days ago, I honestly don’t remember most of what happens. I remember the gas station craziness at the beginning, and the roadkill, and the big fight at the end. But whole chunks of this movie just aren’t that memorable. Say what you want about the wacky antics of part two; at least that movie sticks with you. After sitting through this one, I feel like I’ve just watched the original over again, but I was slightly drunk at the time.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: The Man Who Was Death

What I Thought It Was About: A man gets cursed by a gypsy so that everyone he touches ends up dead. At first, he uses his powers to his advantage, but then things get out of hand.

What It Was Actually About: A prison executioner gets laid off because the death penalty is outlawed in his state. So he decides to execute a bunch of people on his own. He gets caught, and then the death penalty is put back in place and he’s electrocuted.

Was It Good? Yeah. It was good, not great. Bill Sadler played a better Death in Bill and Ted than he did in this episode, but he’s still a reliable character actor. A lot of his narration was a little unnecessary, though. And the ending felt really quick. But kudos to the writers of this show (Walter Hill and Robert Reneau) for sandwiching so many murders in a single episode.

House IV

STATS:

HOUSE IV

1992

Directed by Lewis Abernathy

Written by an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of keyboards

Starring William Katt (barely), Denny Dillon, and Terri Treas (no idea)

House 1 and House 2 are light-hearted horror comedies where everything works out in the end. Sure, the leads have to face down gloopy looking ghosts and pterodactyls (seriously), but they proceed along at a quick pace and are a lot of fun to watch. House 4, on the other hand, doubles down on the wackiness quotient, but ends up paradoxically darker, angrier, and more unpleasant than either of its prequels. (House 3 doesn’t exist, by the way.)

First of all, take a look at the titular house. It’s not a charming fixer-upper like before. This is a horrid little place in the middle of the desert. Why does it even exist out here? Who built it? Should I be paying attention to the stupid Indian burial ground backstory that comes out of nowhere halfway through the film?

Apparently, the property is quite valuable, which is why a midget mob boss wants to kill William Katt and his family so that he could demolish the property and build something-something. I say go for it. I’m sure there are some nice condos nearby. And by nearby, I mean far far away from this deserted hell-hole.

To start things off with a bang, William Katt dies in a car accident, leaving his grieving wife and newly paralyzed daughter behind. That’s a great way to begin a horror-comedy, don’t you think?

Did I mention the midget crime boss? Because holy crap was that character an ill-advised bit of nastiness. He is hooked up to a machine that constantly pumps phlegm from his neck hole. In one lovely scene, he has his goons hold down a business partner and pour the phlegm down his throat. By this point in the movie, I’m really starting to miss the pterodactyls of part 2.

Even the wacky monsters are meant to be goofy but come across as disgusting. Case-in-point: the Pizza Man, who looks like this:

William Katt's widow shoves him in the disposal, getting brownish pizza goo all over herself. The scene was meant to be slapsticky, but comes across as depressing instead. They also make jokes about anchovies, which are God’s gift to pizza lovers everywhere, so I’m a little angry at that, too.

Most of the actual humor comes via SNL alum Denny Dillon. If you don’t remember her from SNL, she was on that show during the early 80s, when no one watched. It was a dark time for late night television, but Denny herself isn’t half bad.

All-in-all, this movie's attempts at comedy come off horrific, and its attempts at horror come off comedic. It is an unpleasant movie full of phlegm and cheap drama. (In one scene, the wheelchair-bound daughter looks longingly at two girls who are jumping in slow motion for no reason whatsoever. Stupid stupid stupid.) Do yourself a favor and rewatch parts 1 or 2 instead. Or part 3, which doesn’t exist.

A random picture. I wanted to cheer myself up.

Arthur’s Quest

I like how the catchphrase at the top is

basically just an explanation of the plot.

Arthur’s Quest

1999

Directed by Neil Mandt

Starring Eric Christian Olsen, Arye Gross, Catherine Oxenberg, and Zach Galligan (!)

This guy plays the king of Engliand. He grew a beard for the role.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Merlin, Arthur, and Morgana travel through time and end up in late-20^th-century southern California, where Arthur grows up to be a blonde skater who complains that he never fits in, even though he looks exactly like male model Eric Christian Olsen (Not Another Teen Movie, NCIS: The Other One). Merlin, who is an epic bumbler played by our fourth favorite character actor Arye Gross, tries to get Arthur (aka Artie, har har) to accept his fate and retrieve Excalibur.

Morgana is now the evil sex-bomb principal of the school. You know she’s evil, because she’s the only one who retained her British accent after the time jump. Artie finally comes to his senses and realizes that he’s King Arthur (duh) after his girlfriend gets kidnapped by the principal’s bodyguards. After a ten-second sword fight and a nifty little deus ex machina dispatches Morgana and her ill-defined plan for world domination, Artie and his friends all travel back to Medieval Times (the time period, not the theme restaurant). And the world is once again safe from Morgana and massive plot holes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is a late-90s direct-to-video effort aimed directly at children. After sitting through an ill-advised Saw marathon with a few friends (Too many body parts! Too many body parts!), I decided to cleanse my pop culture pallet with something wholesome and stupid.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Well, the movie stars Eric Christian Olsen, who grew up to become this…

But right now, he’s supposed to be a little nerdy and a lot underage. So… let’s not be gross here.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I hate movies where the villain's plan for world domination makes no sense. I also hate movies that end with a final battle where you don’t quite know the rules, but you assume the bad guy has no way of winning. Both those things are true about this film, but it’s really hard to hate something so doofy and well-meaning. Especially if Clint Howard is in it for no reason whatsoever.



SKELETON WARRIORS

The 90s was a strange time for Saturday morning children’s animation. The toy-tie-in wave of He-Mans and Pound Puppies was officially dead. Perennial mainstays like Scooby Doo were quickly losing ground. And live action shows like Power Rangers and Saved by the Bell were taking up a lot of television real estate that was once devoted to cartoons. Pretty much anything that wasn’t part of Disney Afternoon was doomed to be an afterthought of cartoon history. Everything, that is, except Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Then along came Skeleton Warriors, which attempted to be a brave new meld of horror and action with a high-quality, glossy sheen. It even used some computer animation to up the trendiness factor. It seemed like this was the show that preteen boys was waiting for.

And then it was promptly forgotten.

It wasn’t an out-and-out failure. It was mildly successful and lasted a few short seasons, but it didn’t spark a phenomenon like TMNT did. It was just… there. And yet, if you watch any episode from its undistinguished run, the show's ambitions are clearly on display. The animation is detailed and fluid. I mean, look at all those skulls…

The main problem is that the main characters are not nearly as interesting as the complex world that the show sets up. I would not be able to name a single character from the show, let alone the main character. I could name more Captain Planet characters than Skeleton Warriors characters, and the latter show is WAY more in my wheelhouse. All-in-all, a Saturday morning cartoon called Skeleton Warriors was a major missed opportunity.

VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Vampire in Brooklyn came during a dark time in my life: Wes Craven's pre-Scream 90s output. The creator of some of my favorite horror films was in a serious funk, and while I usually argue that People Under the Stairs and New Nightmare are underappreciated, there really isn’t a lot to recommend here. But Im going to recommend stuff anyway. First of all, the supporting cast, filled with talented ringers like Mitch What’s-His-Name from X Files and Shocker.

Also, the make up and effects aren’t that bad either. While I was seriously disappointed with Eddie Murphy in this role, when his face vamped out, it went a long way toward making him less… insufferable.

Now how do we fix his accent? 

And Angela Bassett is beautiful and classy as always. Case in point: she has a beret.

Which now leads us to why this movie failed: Eddie Murphy. I have no idea if this was meant as a horror film or a comedy, and I have a distinct feeling that Eddie didn’t know either. The low points occur when he plays some side character in white face. Or Asian face. Thank God he didn’t bust out the fat suit.

The fault isn’t just at Eddie’s feet, though. All the attempts at humor fall flat, particularly the wisecracking zombie assistant who keeps losing body parts. Ugh.

WHAAAA...

I almost recommend this movie just to see how wrong-headed some of the creative decisions were. Eddie Murphy as Dracula doesn’t sound like a particularly promising idea, and the movie sinks to the level of its premise. Thank God Scream came along.