PIRANHACONDA

Dear Syfy Channel,

We're been through a lot over the years, included an ill-advised name change to make you seem quote-unquote "hip" and "edgy" and "retarded". That's fine. You're well aware that we're in a love-hate relationship.

But I would just like to say that I am very proud of you this summer. Not only did you start the season off right by killing Joey Fatone in Jersey Shore Shark Attack (Why did it take so long for someone to think of that movie!), but you decided to continue the streak by airing Roger Corman-approved masterpieces like Piranhaconda.

You are certainly on a roll, Syfy Channel. Some people might gripe about how self-consciously bad you've gotten, some people might even say that it's not fun to watch something that TRIES to be bad, but you know what... SOME people can suck it. Because you, Syfy Channel, are a good kid.

Thank you for Piranhaconda. Please don't like anyone get you down.

Thanks for the memories,
LGBTerror

THE DARKEST HOUR

For a movie about the world ending by massive alien-based slaughter, this movie is laughably bloodless. I guess that comes from the premise: alien balls of electricity take over the world by zapping humans into ashes. No carnage. No gore. Just PG-13 ash murder.

This is not a complaint, though. The movie is fast and enjoyable enough that I really got into the rhythm of run-hide-zap-scream-motivational-speech. The dialogue is pretty dire (one climactic speech outside a submarine is particularly painful), but that never really mattered to me. The best fwiends drama between the two male leads was also half-baked, but thankfully so, because who comes into a movie like this wanting to spend half the run-time watching two guys bicker about a failed business venture!

As I write this, I realize that this does not sound like a ringing endorsement... and it really isnt. This film is bad in a bland, forgettable way. But I will say that, if in the right mindset, you can wring a few moments of enjoyment out of it. But ignore the speeches. God damn those are awful.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

                   
The Cabin in the Woods is unclassifiable. Is it horror, sci fi, or comedy? Is it a clever mash-up of all three? Does it lovingly pay tribute to past horror films, or mock their genre tropes?

                      

In the end, I walked out of the theater not sure what to make of it, but the smile on my face told me that it really didn’t matter. I’m not exaggerating when I say that The Cabin in the Woods is the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen so far this year. Perhaps it’s my favorite horror-comedy since Scream 4. And everyone knows how much I love Scream 4.

                           

                     

Because I enjoyed the unusual twists and rhythms of this movie, I don’t want to give anything away in this review. I want everyone who walks into this movie to have as little knowledge as possible, because the ride is such an unusual and twisty one. But I will say the dialogue is Whedonesque and clever, the deaths are memorable, and the last half hour is filled to the brim with moments that would make any horror fan want to stand up and cheer. The world that this movie creates for itself is insanely clever and immersive; it basically explains how every horror film ever made could co-exist in the same, crazy, wonked-out universe.

                                  

Please, please, please see this movie while it is still in the theaters. Pay the ticket price. This is a singular experience. I may not know how to classify it, except to say that it’s good. Really, really good.

                            

PRINCESS OF MARS

Yowza.

Is it weird that I was rooting for the bad guys throughout this movie? I mean, they were represented by the hot, semi-nude, and bitchy Traci Lords, while we were supposed to feel sympathy for the tusked green natives who talk in fakey accents and gesture a lot. That doesn’t sound like much of a competition to me. Give me Traci Lords any day.

Yeah, I said it.

And give me this low-budget train wreck over the high-budget train wreck of John Carter any day. While that movie is chock-full of loudness and wall-to-wall CGI, this one is the kind of simple, dunderheaded mess that is much more fun to watch. Admittedly, I haven’t seen the big-screen version, because I don’t want to contribute to our blockbuster lets-watch-anything culture. But when I inevitably catch it riddled with commercials one late night on FX, I know what to expect: the same story as this film, just without any sense of real joy or adventure.

Does that make this movie good? God no. It’s a mess. But I think, deep down, it knows it’s a mess. After all, it stars Antonio Sabato Jr. alongside green guys with tusks.

THE ARTIST

Just because I enjoy a good disembowelment or two, doesn’t mean I don’t watch Oscar movies when the timing is right. I’m gay. Of course I follow the Oscar race. It’s the gay Super Bowl. Of course I’m going to be watching the show tonight and rooting for all my favorites. (If the Muppets don’t win for best song…) Of course I’m going to have people over. Of course I’m going to pass out ballots for everyone to fill out. That’s just something my people do.

As such, I’ve seen as many of the best pictures nominees as I possibly could. In one glorious weekend, I caught showings of The Artist, The Descendants, War Horse, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. (I also saw Chronicle, but that won’t get nominated for anything until next year. When it will sweep all categories because of awesomeness.) I saw The Help on a plane. I missed that Woody Allen one (not a fan) and Tree of Life (because holy crap that looked boring). I had no desire to see Moneyball, despite its steady stream of Pitt. I also saw Hugo with my family, because none of my friends wanted to see a kid’s movie.

While I found a little something to like in each of the movies (except Extremely Loud, because that was offensively manipulative), I’m really hoping that The Artist takes as many awards as it can. It’s the whole package. It’s a singular cinematic experience with great acting, a movie story, and style to spare. I wouldn’t be upset if Hugo or Descendants grab a few of the extra awards, but the best picture just HAS to go to Artist. In a movie year without a good Pixar movie, this was hands down the most beautiful and moving thing I saw.

That said, I’m hoping Descendants gets the original screenplay award, because I really want to see Jim Rash win an Oscar.

Is This a Horror Movie: CHRONICLE

Watching the movie Chronicle (which I liked very much) made me ponder a few questions. (i.e. Will there be a sequel?) But one question that really stood out is one that I should have asked myself a long time ago: What exactly is a horror movie?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no genre is more contentious than horror movies. If a good horror film comes out (Silence of the Lambs, for example, or The Shining), a sizable chunk of the film's fans will shout from the top of their lungs that it's not a horror movie at all. It's actually a "psychological thriller" or even a, gulp, "action drama." Why? Why do people make such a distinction? The underlying premise is that those movies aren't horror movies because they're TOO GOOD to be horror movies. They couldn't possibly be on the same shelf as Jason X or Leprechaun: Back to da Hood.

People don't say that about other genres. Just because When Harry Met Sally is 1000 times better than the latest Katherine Heigl abomination doesn't mean that When Harry Met Sally is suddenly not a romantic comedy anymore. Why do people say that Silence of the Lambs is suddenly not a horror film because there aren't enough shocks or decapitations? Stop splitting hairs and subdividing genres and accept that the horror umbrella has enough room for Saw VI and Rosemary's Baby, just like the sci-fi umbrella has enough room for both Solaris and Zardoz.

Which brings us back to Chronicle. Clearly, there's some sci-fi element going on, but there's not much actual SCIENCE in this FICTION because everything goes unexplained. So yeah, sure, this movie is arguably science fiction. However, looking at the tone of the movie, and the amount of carnage and death involved (spoiler, I guess), does this count as a horror film too? We don't really see any corpses, and the director doesn't tease us with sudden jumps or scares. But the entire movie is soaking in an ever-increasing dread. We know the main character is sliding more and more into the dark side. We know there will be murders involved. We're watching this train wreck happen in ultra-slo-mo, and it is, for all intents and purposes, horrific. So yeah, despite the sci-fi trappings, I would absolutely group this in the horror camp. It's just as much a horror movie as Carrie, because it uses a similar story structure and accomplishes the same sense of dread. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

CHRONICLE

My new favorite poster. Take that, Precious.

Every few years, you catch a movie that is so perfectly on your wavelength, you half-wonder if it was written by your more talented evil twin. For me, Chronicle is that movie. A found-footage mash-up of teen angst, telekinetic power, unintentional homoeroticism, and high school issues: that is pretty much a comprehensive list of the themes that I would totally write a movie about.

The gay kid from In Treatment stars as a high school senior who gains superpowers and slowly lets them turn him into a power-mad supervillain. This is the superhero movie that Hancock or Kick Ass only wish they were. It's closer in tone and scope to the British show Misfits, except without the raunchiness and time travel.

The acting is extremely naturalistic, so much so that the "home movie" gimmick fades away and you feel like you're watching a trio of normal kids from your hometown. I keep using second person here because I really really want YOU to watch this movie. I won't go so far as to call it our generation's Carrie, but it definitely taps into the wounded teen in all of us, the scared kid that would lash out at the world if he only had the power.





DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

First off, let me just say that Cemetery Man with Rupert Everett is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It has a cult following, but I hated it with a passion and thought that it was pretentious, stupid, and endless. When I found out that the comic that inspired this movie was about to be readapted with Brandon Routh, I was curious. If it was even slightly passable, then the bad taste of Cemetery Man would be washed away completely.

Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen. I have some great news. IT WAS SLIGHTLY PASSABLE! Yay! Mr. Routh was dreamy and superheroic as ever, but his voiceovers were awful. Sam Huntington (also of Superman Returns fame) was adorable, but a little of him goes a long way, and I think he wore out his welcome by the fifteenth freak-out.

But you cannot go wrong with a werewolf Peter Stormare chewing scenery like a madman. That guy can out-crazy Nicolas Cage. So see the movie for him… for beefcake… and for some nice creature effects. Just don’t expect anything revolutionary.

11-11-11

Did anyone see this movie? Seriously? Anyone at all?

And why would someone be interested in watching it on, say, November 12th? That said, I am SO going to rent this when it comes out on video.

THE LAST EXORCISM

The age-old story of a young girl who dreams of being Spider-Man.

The horror mockumentary genre has some surprising legs. When Paranormal Activity came out, I thought it would be like Blair Witch--a popular, trendy movie that completely fades from pop culture within two years (and after at least one misbegotten sequel). Because let us face it: Blair Witch Project has aged about as well as old ham.

But cut to 2011, when two more Paranormal Activities have graced the screen and a minor flood of copycats have taken up shelf space at Blockbuster. Oh wait, we were talking about 2011. Scratch that Blockbuster part. And while most of the copycats have been awful (like Paranormal Entity, which is a real movie that I did not make up), there have been some gems, particularly Quarantine (the American remake) and The Last Exorcism, which takes the mockumentary format and runs with it.

It takes the mockumentary format up to 11, some might say.

The Last Exorcism follows an exorcist who is kind of a smarmy douche. He is out to disprove the idea of exorcisms. He says he wants to protect the children, but he always comes across as more self-serving than he thinks he is. And that character is really where the movie shines. I have a bad feeling about the recently announced sequel, because this character probably will not be in it (for reasons I would rather not say... Actually, screw it. He dies.) Because this guy is such a flawed, likeable, interested person, all the craziness around him really pops.

That is not to say that the other characters are lacking. The possessed girl and her creepy ginger brother are the kinds of people I have nightmares about when I travel through rural Arizona. And the crazy-religious father bounces back and forth between sympathetic and unsympathetic so many times that you dont know how to feel by the end of it.

I felt kinda like that.

And what an ending. I already spoiled one part of it, but everything about the last five minutes of this movie is totally bad-ass. There is no other way to say that. This isnt some masterpiece or anything, but it is so freaking cool and fun. Very rarely do I see a movie that is absolutely perfectly on my wavelength. It happened with Babe: Pig in the City. It happened with Batman Returns. And it happened with this movie. Check it out.

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

STATS:

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring Thomas Jane, Michelle Trachtenberg, Linda Hamilton

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The final installment of the DC Showcase series, this short film involves our scarfaced hero murdering a killer hooker by leaving her to die in a mineshaft filled with the corpses of all her victims. And yes, this is an animated movie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Ive already talked about two of the other films in the DC Showcase, one of which was fairly beefcake-y, and one of which was gruesome as hell. This one, as you can tell from the synopsis, is pretty close to the second category.

The other reason I wanted to write about this was to show my readers that Jonah Hex isn’t nearly as lame a character as his live-action movie makes him seem.

Stupid and incomprehensible. Also, why

does Josh Brolin have freakishly short arms?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes, but the nudity is strictly female. The story centers around prostitutes, so… duh. But Jonah is a tall glass of water, if you ignore his hideous facial scars.

Actually, nevermind.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The very end of this film includes dozens of dead corpses rotting away. There is also violence and murder up the wazoo. Man, I love this character.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Yet again, DC outdoes itself with the gore. Before I rented this video, I had no idea cartoon DVDs inspired by comic books could be so… awesome. I am now a fan.

DC SHOWCASE: The Spectre

STATS:

DC: SHOWCASE: The Spectre

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos (Jack Two Santas)

Written by Steve Niles

Starring Gary Cole, Alyssa Milano

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Spectre is a private detective, ghost, and ladies man all rolled into one. Basically, if CBS executives combined all of their scripted shows, they would come up with The Spectre. In this film, he solves the mystery of a murdered movie producer by using horrifying magic hallucinations to kill the bad guys. He also narrates a lot.

He is voiced by this guy, BTW.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This short film is a continuation of Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam, which I recently posted about. It originally came as a bonus movie on the video Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths. Afterwards, they packaged it with three other DC shorts (including Superman/Shazam), which is where I got to see it.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Unlike the previous Superman short, which was 98% hot guys wrestling each other, this one doesn’t have a lot of beefcake. The Spectre isn’t a particularly rippling hero, and he mostly stays covered in a long green cloak.

He does make out with a weirdly blonde Alyssa Milano.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The horror aspect, however, is front and center. The death scenes in this one are terrifying. One involves a killer car…

Like this, except not horrible.

…And another involves a bunch of movie props coming alive and being creepy as hell.

Like this, except... well, just as ridiculous as this.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Man, is this film creepy. But don’t just take my word for it. Check this out. If I had known that DC animated films could be this apeshit terrifying, I would have started watching them years ago.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

STATS:

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

2010

Directed by Jaoquim Dos Santos

Written by Michael Jelenic

Starring Jerry O’Connell

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman teams up with Captain Marvel (a kid who gets random magic powers every time he shouts "Shazam!") to fight Black Adam, a white guy named Adam. The entire movie is one long fight scene, with some exposition about how Captain Marvel gets his powers.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Shazam," obviously.

Um... a slightly different film.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is the centerpiece of a 4-part anthology film meant to introduce people to lesser-known DC heroes. I found it free on Netflix and decided to check it out. Certain sections were gleefully horrific, so I thought I could do a few write-ups for this website. I had to start with this one, which was the least horrific and bloody, because it was the first (and longest) installment in the set.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As expected, this film is chock-full of superpowered, animated beefcake. In this installment, we get Superman, Captain Marvel, AND Black Adam, three rippling heroes. Theyre fully clothed, but tights barely count as clothing, right? The animators leave absolutely no bulges to the imagination. I strongly believe that some people are just born gay, but superheroes like these make a good argument that some pop culture can "turn" kids. If so, bring on the super men!

Like I said: bulges.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

For one giant fight scene, this film has precious little blood. Also, the city is weirdly underpopulated, so there aren’t a lot of deaths amidst the wreckage. This could be due to budgetary reasons (lots of extras are hard to draw) and moral reasons (protect the children!), but comparing this film to the others in this grisly series makes me think it has more to do with the former than the latter.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Does Captain Marvel have a big fan base? I’ve never heard of him, and his backstory is needlessly complicated. That said, there is something pretty kick-ass about a preteen who can turn into a big hulking hero just by saying a magic word.

Also, I’m surprised that a DC character is named Marvel. I’m not a huge comics fan, but I assume there was probably some drama involved back in the day.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is a fun little time waster. If you're of the "Prince Eric School of Hot Cartoons", there is a lot to like in this one. There’s not much of a story beyond a vague don’t-bully-people message, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

But seriously, Black Adam needs a new name.

Like, Vaguely Ethnic Adam. Or The Rock.