TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Collection Completed

What I Thought It Was About: A madman rounds up humans to assemble the perfect wife or something. He only needs one body part left—let’s say the eyes—when he picks a donor who knows how to fight back.

What It Was Actually About: Beloved character actor M. Emmet Walsh is such a douche to his animal-loving wife that he taxidermies her pets. So she taxidermies him. The last shot of the show (before the Cryptkeeper says a bunch of stuffing puns) is his sewn up, bloated corpse. The end.

Adorable. He looks like a bumbling sheriff from a mid-60s Disney cartoon.

Was It Good? Well, it was a shocker. As far as nasty little two-person plays go, this one wasn’t too bad. I just wish both characters were slightly more likeable. I mean, they HAVE to be jackasses. The ending wouldn’t make sense if the husband and wife were better people. But the audience has to sit through a lot of sniping and complaining to get to the twist. I get the distinct impression that this kind of story works much better as a 6-page comic than a 22-minute TV episode. It’s less annoying that way.

Speaking of taxidermy, this story was directed by Mary Lambert of Pet Semetary.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Lover Come Hack to Me

What I Thought It Was About: The very special Valentine episode about a woman who suspects her husband is a serial killer, but then you find out that they’re BOTH serial killers or something. (See! I can totally write an episode!)

What It Was Actually About: A husband plans to murder his new wife (for money, of course). I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the tables will be turned and the wife will murder the husband. Especially because that wife is played by crazy actress extraordinaire Amanda Plummer.

Was It Good? Sure, as far as these things go. It’s basically a two-person play that slowly reveals more and more craziness about the wife. The acting is solid, and you can’t go wrong with Amanda Plummer wielding giant axes and whatnot.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Dig That Cat... He’s Real Gone

What I Thought It Was About: A hipster who gains the power of invisibility and goes about spying on people, until he gets his just desserts.

What It Was Actually About: Joey Pants gets a cat gland that gives him nine lives. He uses it to make a bunch of money, working closely with that guy who played Arliss. Remember Arliss? That was a good show. Unfortunately, Joey Pants kills himself one too many times and dies for good. Wakka wakka.

Was It Good? As good as anything involving cat glands can be. The ending was nasty and fun, and I very much liked watching Joey Pants sweat things out. But yeah, Arliss was a good show.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Only Sin Deep

Fun Fact: Howard Deutch, the episode director, is also known for directing Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful. So… yeah…

What I Thought It Was About: An aging model uses a potion to regain her youthful face, but it turns her into a snake monster.

What It Was Actually About: Lea Thompson, a prostitute, sells her looks to some magic somebody so that she could use the money to catch a rich bachelor. I believe things backfire for her.

Was It Good? Yeah, it kind of was. Lea Thompson is always a likeable actress, even when she plays horrible characters. And this character is horrible. But she’s fun to watch. Sure, the twist can be seen from miles away, but oh well. (For future reference, when you find yourself in an episode of Tales from the Crypt, don’t make any deals with anybody. They will not turn out well.)

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: And All Through the House

What I Thought It Was About: A killer Santa.

What It Was Actually About: I was right! A woman kills her husband and tries to ditch the body when she gets attacked by a killer Santa played by the Downs syndrome guy from LA Law.

Was It Good? Hell yes. This is the first episode ever filmed, and it was such a good way to start the show off right. It was scary and funny and holy crap Larry Drake is a good killer Santa.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: The Man Who Was Death

What I Thought It Was About: A man gets cursed by a gypsy so that everyone he touches ends up dead. At first, he uses his powers to his advantage, but then things get out of hand.

What It Was Actually About: A prison executioner gets laid off because the death penalty is outlawed in his state. So he decides to execute a bunch of people on his own. He gets caught, and then the death penalty is put back in place and he’s electrocuted.

Was It Good? Yeah. It was good, not great. Bill Sadler played a better Death in Bill and Ted than he did in this episode, but he’s still a reliable character actor. A lot of his narration was a little unnecessary, though. And the ending felt really quick. But kudos to the writers of this show (Walter Hill and Robert Reneau) for sandwiching so many murders in a single episode.