TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Collection Completed

What I Thought It Was About: A madman rounds up humans to assemble the perfect wife or something. He only needs one body part left—let’s say the eyes—when he picks a donor who knows how to fight back.

What It Was Actually About: Beloved character actor M. Emmet Walsh is such a douche to his animal-loving wife that he taxidermies her pets. So she taxidermies him. The last shot of the show (before the Cryptkeeper says a bunch of stuffing puns) is his sewn up, bloated corpse. The end.

Adorable. He looks like a bumbling sheriff from a mid-60s Disney cartoon.

Was It Good? Well, it was a shocker. As far as nasty little two-person plays go, this one wasn’t too bad. I just wish both characters were slightly more likeable. I mean, they HAVE to be jackasses. The ending wouldn’t make sense if the husband and wife were better people. But the audience has to sit through a lot of sniping and complaining to get to the twist. I get the distinct impression that this kind of story works much better as a 6-page comic than a 22-minute TV episode. It’s less annoying that way.

Speaking of taxidermy, this story was directed by Mary Lambert of Pet Semetary.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Lover Come Hack to Me

What I Thought It Was About: The very special Valentine episode about a woman who suspects her husband is a serial killer, but then you find out that they’re BOTH serial killers or something. (See! I can totally write an episode!)

What It Was Actually About: A husband plans to murder his new wife (for money, of course). I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the tables will be turned and the wife will murder the husband. Especially because that wife is played by crazy actress extraordinaire Amanda Plummer.

Was It Good? Sure, as far as these things go. It’s basically a two-person play that slowly reveals more and more craziness about the wife. The acting is solid, and you can’t go wrong with Amanda Plummer wielding giant axes and whatnot.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Dig That Cat... He’s Real Gone

What I Thought It Was About: A hipster who gains the power of invisibility and goes about spying on people, until he gets his just desserts.

What It Was Actually About: Joey Pants gets a cat gland that gives him nine lives. He uses it to make a bunch of money, working closely with that guy who played Arliss. Remember Arliss? That was a good show. Unfortunately, Joey Pants kills himself one too many times and dies for good. Wakka wakka.

Was It Good? As good as anything involving cat glands can be. The ending was nasty and fun, and I very much liked watching Joey Pants sweat things out. But yeah, Arliss was a good show.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Only Sin Deep

Fun Fact: Howard Deutch, the episode director, is also known for directing Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful. So… yeah…

What I Thought It Was About: An aging model uses a potion to regain her youthful face, but it turns her into a snake monster.

What It Was Actually About: Lea Thompson, a prostitute, sells her looks to some magic somebody so that she could use the money to catch a rich bachelor. I believe things backfire for her.

Was It Good? Yeah, it kind of was. Lea Thompson is always a likeable actress, even when she plays horrible characters. And this character is horrible. But she’s fun to watch. Sure, the twist can be seen from miles away, but oh well. (For future reference, when you find yourself in an episode of Tales from the Crypt, don’t make any deals with anybody. They will not turn out well.)

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: And All Through the House

What I Thought It Was About: A killer Santa.

What It Was Actually About: I was right! A woman kills her husband and tries to ditch the body when she gets attacked by a killer Santa played by the Downs syndrome guy from LA Law.

Was It Good? Hell yes. This is the first episode ever filmed, and it was such a good way to start the show off right. It was scary and funny and holy crap Larry Drake is a good killer Santa.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: The Man Who Was Death

What I Thought It Was About: A man gets cursed by a gypsy so that everyone he touches ends up dead. At first, he uses his powers to his advantage, but then things get out of hand.

What It Was Actually About: A prison executioner gets laid off because the death penalty is outlawed in his state. So he decides to execute a bunch of people on his own. He gets caught, and then the death penalty is put back in place and he’s electrocuted.

Was It Good? Yeah. It was good, not great. Bill Sadler played a better Death in Bill and Ted than he did in this episode, but he’s still a reliable character actor. A lot of his narration was a little unnecessary, though. And the ending felt really quick. But kudos to the writers of this show (Walter Hill and Robert Reneau) for sandwiching so many murders in a single episode.

SCREAMTIME

SCREAMTIME is a presumably British horror anthology from the 80s that should have been cheesy and forgettable, but somehow rises above its ambitions by interesting plot twists, good acting, and lots of respect for the target audience. The last point is illustrated by the fact that the framing devise involves people hanging out and watching rented VHS videos from a random mom-and-pop store. Brownie points right there!

Just the word CASSETTES makes me happy.

The stories are not particularly revolutionary, especially the killer puppeteer segment that opens the movie. But holy crap did I find myself wrapped up in the story. I thought the old man was very sympathetic, the accents were charming, and the puppet was the requisite amount of creepy.

The level of blood and violence was also way up, so points for that. But by far my favorite moment in the film was the twist ending to the haunted house story. Brutal, unexpected, and so so good. You can check this one out on Netflix Instant. Be patient, though, because each of the three stories (puppets, haunted houses, elves) has something new to offer.

A body. Of course.

TWILIGHT ZONE: Nick of Time

This is William Shatner in the midst of a match of wits with a devil-headed fortune-telling machine. If you have ever seen any non-famous episode of The Twilight Zone, then you should be aware that they often involve hammy actors staring at devil-headed fortune-telling machines. This is not a good half-hour of television. But at least it does not involve a gambler getting chased around by a demon slot machine. (True story.)

The reason I wanted to spotlight this episode is because William Shatner is surprisingly hot. That is, if you ignore how sweaty he gets by the end of the episode. He IS Canadian after all. They get warm easily.

DC SHOWCASE: The Spectre

STATS:

DC: SHOWCASE: The Spectre

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos (Jack Two Santas)

Written by Steve Niles

Starring Gary Cole, Alyssa Milano

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Spectre is a private detective, ghost, and ladies man all rolled into one. Basically, if CBS executives combined all of their scripted shows, they would come up with The Spectre. In this film, he solves the mystery of a murdered movie producer by using horrifying magic hallucinations to kill the bad guys. He also narrates a lot.

He is voiced by this guy, BTW.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This short film is a continuation of Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam, which I recently posted about. It originally came as a bonus movie on the video Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths. Afterwards, they packaged it with three other DC shorts (including Superman/Shazam), which is where I got to see it.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Unlike the previous Superman short, which was 98% hot guys wrestling each other, this one doesn’t have a lot of beefcake. The Spectre isn’t a particularly rippling hero, and he mostly stays covered in a long green cloak.

He does make out with a weirdly blonde Alyssa Milano.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The horror aspect, however, is front and center. The death scenes in this one are terrifying. One involves a killer car…

Like this, except not horrible.

…And another involves a bunch of movie props coming alive and being creepy as hell.

Like this, except... well, just as ridiculous as this.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Man, is this film creepy. But don’t just take my word for it. Check this out. If I had known that DC animated films could be this apeshit terrifying, I would have started watching them years ago.

THE TALE OF THE GHASTLY GRINNER

I have looked into the face of fear, and it is blue and yellow.

Children who came of age in the 1990s have specific pop culture moments that they all share: everyone went to the theater to see Lion King, for example. Everyone remembers fighting over their favorite Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle. (Blue and Venus. Kidding.) And everyone, and I mean everyone, was scared crapless by sewer grates because their older cousins/siblings let them watch It.

But one pop culture milestone that often goes unmentioned is how Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark slowly infected the schoolyard conversation. Specific scenes and titles might change, but every adult who went to elementary school in the early-to-mid-90s was irreparably scarred by at least one moment from the show.

The more artsy kids will probably remember the intense sadness they felt while watching The Tale of the Lonely Ghost, about a kid THEIR AGE who had to haunt her bedroom for all eternity.

The sporty ones will probably remember The Tale of Watcher's Woods, where some kids are lost forever in a forest haunted by witches and an awful, awful tree spirit.

The class clowns will probably respond to the horrors that Zeebo the clown inflicted upon an innocent prankster in The (weirdly titled) Tale of Laughing in the Dark.

Me? I was a nerdy comics kid, and I really really got scared by The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner, where a demonic jester made everyone go insane and drip ooze from their mouths.

In the decades since, most people started clumping together AYAOTD and Goosebumps, because both were horror anthology shows about young Canadians overcoming monsters and learning life lessons. But based on the above descriptions, you can totally tell that Goosebumps had nothing on the sheer terror of this shows, particularly from the first three seasons.

Thankfully, pretty much every episode is available on Youtube, if you feel particularly copyright-infringementy today. But don't be surprised if you start getting legitimately scared. This show is the real deal.

AMUSEMENT

AMUSEMENT

2008

Directed by John Simpson

Written by Jake Wade Wall

Starring Katheryn Winnick, Laura Breckenridge and Jessica Lucas

Not really. Is it supposed to be?

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, three things happened, really. This is an anthology film based on three separate urban legends. One involves a young couple driving into a dark forest because a stranger told them to take a short cut. The second involves a babysitter getting stalked by a killer in a clown costume. And the third involves a girl getting sewn inside a bed at the world's creepiest bed and breakfast. They all involve the same killer, a giggling lunatic who was teased by our three main characters in elementary school. One girl gets away and explains the moral of the movie in the most pointless narration possible. I guess we all learned something, then.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"It’s funny, right?"

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I have never heard about this movie. Ive never known anyone who has seen this movie. But it has been recommended to me by Netflix over and over again for the past year. Apparently, it really wanted me to see this film. So I finally clicked on the goofy clown face (MST3K reference).

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Yes, there are death scenes. And yes, they are extremely elaborate and impossible. Case in point, this Victrola kills someone:

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

There are a few scantily clad women running around in their bras and panties. That goes with the territory. On the male side, though? Nothin’. There is the giggling killer, of course. Hes not exactly a rugged fellow (though his IMDb photo makes him look pretty handsome). And the two boyfriends don’t really get an opportunities to shine… or go around shirtless. It’s a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Urban Legend is one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures. I love watching people get horribly murdered via urban legends. I also really like anthology films and wish they were more popular with the general public. Based on those criteria, I'd say this film would be right up my alley. And for the most part, it is. But there's also the stink of missed opportunities in every scene. It’s not nearly as awesome as it could’ve been.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not even. If it dialed up the camp factor, then maybe. Lord knows the premise is campy enough. But as it is, this is a lukewarm hetero journey into cheap scares and minimal suspense. That said, I like the clown costume. It’s cute.