DEMENTIA 13

DEMENTIA 13

1963

Directed by Francis Ford Coppola
Written by Francis Ford Coppola

Starring William Campbell, Luana Anders, Bart Patton and Sophia Coppola as the whiny daughter who gets horribly murdered

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, this is Psycho in a castle, basically. A woman commits a crime (kills her husband), goes to some far off place (an Irish castle), and promptly gets murdered (in a pond). Just when you thought she was the main character, she gets killed. Oh Francis, you saucy saucy director. The rest of the movie is spent following people as they try to figure out who the killer is. Hint: he’s a hotel-owning taxidermist.

I couldn’t find a relevant picture, so I thought
I'd include John Candy because why not.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"If you’re going to be my wife, you’re going to have to be the trusting, silent variety."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

There are two reasons I decided to write about Dementia 13. One is thanks to The Moon Is a Dead World, one of my favorite blogs. They’re doing a series of horror reviews in preparation for Halloween, and I wanted to match a few of their reviews. That blog is always a fun read.

The other reason I wanted to watch Dementia 13 is Francis Ford Coppola. That guy is the reason this film hasn’t fallen off the face of the Earth. This is his big break in cinema, courtesy of Roger Corman, and even though it’s a cheapy American International picture, it has a great reputation because of its director's subsequent films. That said, Mr. Coppola isn’t known as being one of the most consistent directors, which also intrigued me. I didn’t know if this film was like Apocalypse Now… or like the behind-the-scenes of Apocalypse Now. Remember, Coppola directed at least three of the greatest films of all time. He also directed the budding onscreen romance of JLo and Robin Williams.

 

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity, though the female lead shows off some of her curves, especially when she’s swimming in the haunted pond.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Heck yes. I mean, the film is tame by today’s standards, but it has some extremely stylish murder scenes. I’m a sucker for people discovering dead bodies underwater; I’ve always liked seeing people struggle for air after the shock of seeing a floating body part. It’s Jaws-syndrome. And then the murder directly after: genius! For all the story’s faults, it is still shocking in the best sense of the word.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

While I think the basic plot outline has a lot of potential (and so did Hitchcock, which is why he used the EXACT SAME PLOT), but the execution is so hard to follow, it’s almost nonsensical. Visually, the film is great. It’s stylish, and the underwater scenes are truly scary. When compared to similar cheapo horror films from the early 60s, this one really is beautiful.

But you’d also think that Coppola would be able to string together an easier-to-understand film. The plot is not complicated, and yet I had to watch the movie twice to understand who was who. From a storytelling standpoint, this is less Godfather Part II and more Cotton Club. And that is a shame.

This has nothing to do with anything; I just thought it was quaint.

The Monster Walks

STATS:

The Monster Walks

1932

Director: Frank R. Strayer

Writer: Robert Ellis (based on his novel)

Starring: Rex Lease, Vera Reynolds, Sheldon Lewis

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A woman returns back to her family’s crumbling castle to hear her dead dad’s will. She has to deal with a series of kooky characters, including a self-hating invalid, two creepy servants, and a murderous chimpanzee named Yogi. (Yogi is the titular monster, apparently.)

I’ll strangle you for a pic-a-nic basket.

People start getting attacked and strangled by monkey arms that pop out of secret passageways. Everyone suspects Yogi… because he’s, you know, a monkey. But could it be the creepy servants who would get the heroine’s inheritance if she dies?

Yes. Yes it would.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IT’S FROM 1932?

The characters murder each other over a $50,000 inheritance.

One MILLION dollars…

A black character is played by the actor “Sleep ’n Eat” (seriously).

Sleep ’n Eat has the last line of the movie, when he says that Yogi the chimpanzee reminds him of one of his uncles.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film has absolutely nothing special about it. It has been forgotten by time and space. That said, I got it on a 50-movie pack for $5.00 and I wanted to watch something older than Leprechaun 3.

More than a cinema footnote.

Also, racism in early film history is a fascinating topic.

This is Stepin Fetchit. He appeared in dozens of films.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

It’s from the 30s! We’re lucky when the heroine took off her raincoat to reveal an equally long evening dress. No skin whatsoever.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

One and a half people get strangled by a fake monkey hand (courtesy of the murderous butler Hans). One person (Hans) gets strangled by a real monkey. My interest in the film gets strangled by the long pauses, garbled audio, and wooden acting.

No caption. I’m taking another cheap shot at a celebrity.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I’ve documented my viewing experience of the first twenty minutes of the film HERE. It’s like Pop-Up Video, but stupid.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, it’s racist and sexist… but it’s not homophobic. (Probably because the topic never came up in its 60-minute running time.) There’s also nothing of interest to a gay viewer, unless of course he’s intrigued by film history. (Or chimpanzees.) I’ll give this a John Wayne.

TOTEM

What the hell is that and why does my shoulder itch so much?

STATS:

Totem

1999

Director: David DeCoteau

Writer: Was there a writer?

Starring: Jason Faunt, Marissa Tait, Eric W. Edwards, Sacha Spencer, Alicia Lagano, and introducing Tyler Anderson as Cinema's Least Convincing Native American

PLOT:

Not applicable.

SIGNIFICANCE:

Anything by David DeCoteau is of gay interest. This is the guy who did Voodoo Academy and the Brotherhood series. So yeah, he's known for bringing out the best performances in his young actors. And by performances, I mean abs.

Those two female characters must feel pretty useless

right about now.

SHIRTS AND SKINS

Unfortunately, this isn't up to the same homoerotic level as Brotherhood III: Young Demons. No long periods of shirtlessness. No making out. Just six 20-somethings killing each other or getting killed by each other. It's Shakespearean.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Nope. Just reddish shirt stains. And puppets. Three sub-Charles Band puppets.

Terrifying.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Sure, by default. Let's say half a Boy George.

The abs half.