MERIDIAN

STATS:

MERIDIAN

1990

Written and Directed by Charles Band

Starring Sherilyn Fenn and others

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The girl from Northern Exposure falls in love with a beast and his evil twin. Seriously. I cannot be any more specific than that, because there are some things that man is not meant to type.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Perfect body. Smooth. Classy."

"Do not cry. I need you to love me."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I love Charles Band. I love direct-to-video horror films from the early 1990s. I wasn't expecting Tolstoy, which is fine with me. I freaking hate Tolstoy.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film has lots of nudity. Seriously. Very Skinemax. I half-expected Emmanuelle to pop up and say a monologue about something. (Because that's what those movies were about, right? Monologues?)

And admittedly, some of that nudity happened to be male... but it was all slightly hairier than I would like.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Nope. Everyone was too busy sexing.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I think I would like this movie a little more if the tragic beast character didn't remind me of Sloth from The Goonies.

Hey you GUYS!

OK. IS IT GAY?

Sure. It's all about tragic romance and beautiful people and epic love stories that transcend time and space. There are also best friends who tell it like it is AND wildly inaccurate depictions of circus gypsies. I believe that at least some of those things would be of interest to the gay demo.

GINGERDEAD MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST

STATS:

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust

2008

Directed by: Silvia St. Croix (a female director!)

Written by: William Butler, Muffy Bolding (the killer from April Fool's Day), and Aaron Strongoni

Starring: Not Gary Busey

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Gingerdead Man is back for some reason and goes nuts at a movie studio. He makes food puns, kills a bunch of people, and humps a puppet. Then he gets crucified.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“This is gonna be a f#$%ing cake-walk.”

“It’s time to send you back to Hell…’s Kitchen.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Aside from having one of the greatest subtitles in the history of filmdom…

…which it totally earns, by the way…

Gingerdead Man 2 is a prime example of latter-day Full Moon videos. It’s full of puppets and gory murders, but it’s also very self-effacing. The film takes places at Cheatum Studios, which is a low-rent direct-to-video company much like Full Moon. Its main franchise is a Puppetmaster rip-off, subbing Leech Woman and The Jester for creatures like “Shit-for-Brains” and “The Haunted Dildo.” It is a pretty brutal statement on the quality of these films.

From a gay standpoint, it has a well-known David DeCoteau cameo, and some clever winks to the gay horror fans out there.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

There’s some male beefcake (particularly in the Decoteau scene), but a lot more emphasis on women. However, the film has a pronounced affinity for plus-sizes.

Which is weirdly progressive, I guess.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Limbs are hacked off, eyes dangle, and the killer cookie impales two people with one meat cleaver (which is physically impossible, but slightly more realistic than when he drove a car in part one). There’s also a lot of fake-poop-splatter.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Honestly, I thought this film would be smooth sailing. I thought that with the involvement of DeCoteau (and other horror “celebrities” like John Buechler and Adam Green), the film would be wholesome, inclusive horror. I didn’t expect a prancing queen who gets raped and murdered by a curling iron… and likes it.

No other gay-positive scenes can atone for that mean-spirited murder. The Gingerdead Man calls the character a “creampuff,” a “fruitcake,” and a few other pastry-related puns, and he takes more delight in murdering him than any of the straight victims. It’s not in good fun like the other murders. I have to give this two Pat Robertsons.

 

TOTEM

What the hell is that and why does my shoulder itch so much?

STATS:

Totem

1999

Director: David DeCoteau

Writer: Was there a writer?

Starring: Jason Faunt, Marissa Tait, Eric W. Edwards, Sacha Spencer, Alicia Lagano, and introducing Tyler Anderson as Cinema's Least Convincing Native American

PLOT:

Not applicable.

SIGNIFICANCE:

Anything by David DeCoteau is of gay interest. This is the guy who did Voodoo Academy and the Brotherhood series. So yeah, he's known for bringing out the best performances in his young actors. And by performances, I mean abs.

Those two female characters must feel pretty useless

right about now.

SHIRTS AND SKINS

Unfortunately, this isn't up to the same homoerotic level as Brotherhood III: Young Demons. No long periods of shirtlessness. No making out. Just six 20-somethings killing each other or getting killed by each other. It's Shakespearean.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Nope. Just reddish shirt stains. And puppets. Three sub-Charles Band puppets.

Terrifying.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Sure, by default. Let's say half a Boy George.

The abs half.