LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

STATS:

Leprechaun in the Hood

2000

Director: Rob Spera

Writer: William Wells, Alan Reynolds, Rob Spera, Doug Hall, John Hoffman (and based on characters by Mark Jones)

(With this many writers, it must be good!)

Starring: Warwick Davis, Ice T

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Leprechaun is frozen as a statue until three bungling rapper/thieves accidentally resurrect him and steal his magic flute. They use the flute to get better at rapping. Both the Leprechaun and shady music producer Ice T chase after them to get the flute back. In the process, the Leprechaun gets high, creates an army of zombie fly-girls, and kills a bunch of people.

I believe it was inspired by the Bard.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Rather than list off the most quotable lines (which this movie has its fair share of), I’ve decided to post a video that combines Leprechaun with my second favorite Disney movie.

You guessed it: The Great Mouse Detective.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is the penultimate chapter of the Leprechaun sextilogy. I’ve sat through the previous four. Why stop now?

Um… because you sat through Leprechaun in Space?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

None that I can remember. We see a lot of zombie women in short skirts gyrating away to the Leprechaun’s ill rhymes, but nothing else of notice. Nothing gay, anyway.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This film certainly doesn’t scrimp on gore. We have two exploding hearts, some mutilations, and strangulations galore. Background characters pop up in a scene just to be dispatched soon afterward… which is as it should be.

Oh? Is that a nameless pedestrian? He’s screwed.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Continuity isn’t this series’ strong point, but where the heck did this magic flute come from?

If the Leprechaun can explode hearts from several feet away, why doesn’t he do that within the film’s first five minutes? Bing bang boom. It’s over. That would leave us enough time for lots more rapping.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

All horror movies should have a minimum of one 1970s flashback. And all flashbacks should have a minimum of two jokes about hiding comically large objects in afros.

On second thought, no. That’s a horrible idea.

OK. IS IT GAY?

For an installment of the anything-goes, fun-loving Leprechaun saga, this entry is surprisingly homophobic. Sure, it’s set in the rap world, which isn’t known for being a bastion of gay visibility.

No homo, foo.

Or female empowerment.

No caption needed.

Even so, the film includes a cross-dressing character that everyone else finds disgusting. To make matters worse, he dies in a sexually demeaning way.

In addition, the wise grandmother mocks one of the other main characters for possibly being gay.

A different homophobic grandmother.

Later in the film, two separate characters are killed on two separate occasions because they were coming on to the Leprechaun disguised as a woman. “WHAT? You’re a man? WHAT? You’re killing me?” This could be interpreted as an indictment of chauvinism, but… nah. It seemed much too mean-spirited.

During the climax, our two heroes infiltrate the leprechaun’s lair dressed as call girls. This only muddles the gender politics further. Are they supposed to feel shame for how low they’re stooping? Do they suddenly have an insight into how they previously treated the deceased female impersonator? I don’t know. Jury’s still out.

All this comes down to a film that is surprisingly unfriendly to gay viewers (and women). It pains me to say this, because the Leprechaun is usually such a jolly fellow, but I’m giving this film a Pat Robertson.

The Monster Walks

STATS:

The Monster Walks

1932

Director: Frank R. Strayer

Writer: Robert Ellis (based on his novel)

Starring: Rex Lease, Vera Reynolds, Sheldon Lewis

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A woman returns back to her family’s crumbling castle to hear her dead dad’s will. She has to deal with a series of kooky characters, including a self-hating invalid, two creepy servants, and a murderous chimpanzee named Yogi. (Yogi is the titular monster, apparently.)

I’ll strangle you for a pic-a-nic basket.

People start getting attacked and strangled by monkey arms that pop out of secret passageways. Everyone suspects Yogi… because he’s, you know, a monkey. But could it be the creepy servants who would get the heroine’s inheritance if she dies?

Yes. Yes it would.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IT’S FROM 1932?

The characters murder each other over a $50,000 inheritance.

One MILLION dollars…

A black character is played by the actor “Sleep ’n Eat” (seriously).

Sleep ’n Eat has the last line of the movie, when he says that Yogi the chimpanzee reminds him of one of his uncles.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film has absolutely nothing special about it. It has been forgotten by time and space. That said, I got it on a 50-movie pack for $5.00 and I wanted to watch something older than Leprechaun 3.

More than a cinema footnote.

Also, racism in early film history is a fascinating topic.

This is Stepin Fetchit. He appeared in dozens of films.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

It’s from the 30s! We’re lucky when the heroine took off her raincoat to reveal an equally long evening dress. No skin whatsoever.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

One and a half people get strangled by a fake monkey hand (courtesy of the murderous butler Hans). One person (Hans) gets strangled by a real monkey. My interest in the film gets strangled by the long pauses, garbled audio, and wooden acting.

No caption. I’m taking another cheap shot at a celebrity.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I’ve documented my viewing experience of the first twenty minutes of the film HERE. It’s like Pop-Up Video, but stupid.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, it’s racist and sexist… but it’s not homophobic. (Probably because the topic never came up in its 60-minute running time.) There’s also nothing of interest to a gay viewer, unless of course he’s intrigued by film history. (Or chimpanzees.) I’ll give this a John Wayne.

Who Can Kill a Child/ Island of the Damned

STATS:

Who Can Kill a Child?

(Island of the Damned)

1976

Director: Director: Narciso Ibanez Serrador

Writer: Juan Jose Planz, Narciso Ibanez Serrador (They’re from Sweden.)

Starring: Lewis Fiander, Prunella Ransome

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A young-ish British couple expecting their first child take a vacation on a Spanish island that’s been overrun by inexplicably homicidal children. They wander around the island trying to figure out what happened. Then they start running for their lives when they see the first of several murders. I won’t tell you how it ends (awesomely) or if anyone survives (nope). I will tell you that the film toys with our sympathies, making us question whether we deserve to be viciously murdered by our children. It’s an interesting thesis.

After careful deliberation, I’d say no.

We don’t deserve to be viciously murdered.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“A normal child is not capable of killing an adult!”

“The baby inside me is KILLING MEEEEEEE!”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film has built up high levels of mystique, solely due to the fact that it hadn’t been released on video or DVD for decades.

Unlike some films, which get released every month.

Also, a remake is coming out with Diego Luna.

Nuff said.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The two main characters are chronically sunburned British tourists. Most everyone else is underage and homicidal. It’s a good thing there’s no nudity.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Pretty constantly. Unlike those crazy kids from Children of the Corn, these guys are constantly stabbing, shooting, and bludgeoning piñata-style any adult who crosses their path. Seriously, the piñata murder is more harrowing than the piñata scene from Problem Child. (I didn’t want to include a photo, because I’d just creep myself out again.)

OK. IS IT GAY?

Horror movies involving psycho children can either be campy (The Bad Seed, the Rosemary’s Baby TV-movie sequel with Patty Duke) or decidedly not (The Children, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest).

Seriously. This sh!t is harrowing.

From its sensational title to the end credits, this film is more confrontational than campy, which seriously lowers its gay cred. Then again, this is a film where a mother is murdered from the inside by her unborn fetus, so maybe there is some camp value.

God I love this film.

In addition, the film had ample opportunity to comment on the traditional family dynamic, which would have definitely been of interest. Instead, the writer/director made the wife helpless and whiny, and the husband cocky and controlling. There are definitely political undertones to the movie, but not in any gender-studies-type way.

All-in-all, nothing struck me as particularly queer, but this is a solid, interesting movie that raises some previously unasked questions about parent/child relationships. Because it’s entertaining without being explicitly gay, I’d give this a good ol’ Tom Hanks.

Oh. Wait.

Evil Bong

STATS:

Evil Bong

2006

Director: Charles Band (His name is before the title. Like Walt Disney.)

Writer: August White

Starring: David Weidoff, other non-famous people, Tommy Chong

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The film opens with white-man-reggae music, pictures of pot leaves, and credits that include “Tommy Chong as Jimbo.” That pretty much sums up the tone.

Evil Bong is about four roommates who buy an evil lounge chair. Actually, they buy an evil bong. Whenever they use the evil bong (named Eebee, which is short for Edie Brackell), they get sucked into a strip club universe inside the bong. There, they are murdered by demonic strippers who eat them alive with their MonsterBras. (For the record, MonsterBras are actually real, and you can purchase them through Full Moon’s website. They may or may not murder you.)

The only one who can stop Eebee is the nerd roommate, who teams up with Tommy Chong, Eebee’s previous owner. Will they save the day? Yes, yes they will.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“Give me a monkey, bro. Come on. Give me a f#*king monkey.”

“You do know what red meat is?”

“Oh. Monkey.”

“You just suck. You don’t blow. That’s all.”

“It looks like an old, moldy dick. I ain’t sucking that shit.”

“Cease and desist with your offensive gyrations immediately.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a movie that really, really wants to be a cult classic. (Evidence: some faux-quotable lines and a few too many cameos.) I’m not sure how many people have joined this particular cult, but it does have two sequels so far. It also dragged MonsterBras into the public conversation.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Lots of topless female demon-strippers. A few demon-strippers with evil boobs. One male stripper partially concealed inside a go-go cage. The jock character brags about his rippled physique, and yet we see nothing.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

All the murders come courtesy of killer boobs. We have shark-boobs that gnaw off a guy’s arm. We have lip-boobs that give a fatal blow job. And we have skull-boobs that eat a character’s neck meat. (I think this paragraph will tell you whether Evil Bong is your kind of movie.)

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

(Special note: This is a movie made for stoned people. Of course it has plot holes.)

Once the characters are transported inside the bong, none of them act high except for Janet, who turns into Slut-Janet. (Insert Rocky Horror reference here.)

Once the first roommate dies, why do the remaining three decide to hide the body? And why doesn’t Janet freak out when she finds out that her new boyfriend tried to hide a dead body?

Jimbo (aka Tommy Chong) says that he survived the bong before, but that his brain cells didn’t. If Eebee can eat your soul after one toke, how did Jimbo manage to escape?

What were the vitamins that Jimbo gave our heroes?

Why are we introduced to Larnell’s grandfather and new step-grandma? Nothing happens except old-people jokes. Where was the necessary murder scene to justify the extra characters? (That said, Dame Rosemary Cornwallis has replaced Maria Conchita Alonzo as my new favorite name.)

Don't look so excited!

How did Gingerdead Man end up trapped inside an evil bong? (This is my new favorite question, and I plan to use this as an ice breaker at a bar.)

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Pogo sticks are surprisingly unsexy.

Did the MonsterBra craze ever catch on? Please tell me yes.

Luann does the world’s craziest sexy-dance that leaves two characters horrified and one character asleep.

That old lady was the piano player from “The Nightman Cometh” episode of It’s Always Sunny. Damn, she’s got range.

Larnell has “got a mind like a urinal cake.” Maybe if his parents hadn’t named him Larnell…

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yes and no. All the characters are decidedly straight (with the possible exception of Luann, who had much more chemistry with Janet than Brett). Yet the main characters’ camaraderie is very frat-house-homoerotic and they never hook up with the ladies. (One falls asleep while being seduced, and the other one pays more attention to the dead body in the room.) When they finally succumb to their urges, they are eaten alive by demonic lady parts. I’m not sure what message that conveys, aside from “Don’t let your girlfriend buy a fricking MonsterBra” (now available for purchase).

Horror movies have a history of offering up nudity while simultaneously delivering anti-sex messages. This is a good example of that. On a gayness scale of one to ten, I’d give Evil Bong two Cary Grants and one Paul Lynde.