SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

STATS:

SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

1988

Directed by Howard R. Cohen

Written by Howard R. Cohen

Starring Ray Walston, other people

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The same thing as Saturday the 14th, just with different people and less humor. Also, instead of a magic monster book, this movie has a magic smoking crack. That is right. A magic smoking crack that gives birth to strange things.

Like an eye window.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I grew up with the first film. I acknowledge its many flaws, but I love it so so much. I knew that this sequel exists, but it’s notoriously hard to track down. So I went to Amazon.com, which is a great place to find VHS copies of anything, and ordered myself a copy of this film. Now that I’ve seen it, I fully understand why it’s so hard to track down.

What!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film is chock-full of nudity. Actually, no nudity. Like in the first film, the teenage daughter takes a wacky bath with a wacky monster. But other than that, nothing to report. Just a lot of wholesome fully-clothed talking scenes of talking with clothes on.

Also, sexual tension.

FAMOUS PEOPLE:

This film has some familiar faces. There’s nothing more fun than watching someone you like as they slum their way through something beneath them. People like him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Losing some of his Hills Have Eyes cred.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Taking a break from reviewing films.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. I recognize him from 60 Minutes.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Why do I recognize this house? Is it the house from House IV? Or Real Genius? Anyone? Thoughts?

FINAL VERDICT:

This film is awful. Seriously. People don’t act like real human beings. They do wacky things for no reason at all. It’s the fakest, dumbest thing, and a true step down from the dumb-but-fun original.

Stupid people being stupid. With fog.

SATURDAY THE 14TH

STATS:

Saturday the 14th

1981

Directed by Howard R. Cohen

Written by Jeff Begun

Starring Richard Benjamin, Paula Prentiss, and Jeffrey Tambor

The two reasons this movie is awesome.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A family inherits a haunted house. A vampire couple wants to take the house from them, because it contains a magic book of monsters that will cause the end of the world. The human couple tries to enlist the help of Van Helsing, who ends up being a bad guy or something. The wife also turns into a vampire. A bunch of wacky stuff happens, and the world doesn’t end. Not the best news, because that means we get to watch the horrible sequel.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I wasn’t allowed to watch real horror movies as a child, so I obsessed over the few horror-adjacent movies that I was allowed to watch. Among those: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Addams Family Values, and this film, which my parents deemed family-friendly enough for a six-year-old to watch.

They didn’t realize how terrifying Jeffrey Tambor can be.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The teenager daughter shows a lot of skin as she takes a bath with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. (Yes, it’s that kind of movie.) That’s about it, though. There aren’t any equivalent male characters.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This has as much blood and guts as you’d expect from a wacky horror-comedy called Saturday the 14th. In other words, not a lot. There are a lot of monsters, though, and the monster designs are pretty great. And only a little rip-offy.

The public domain version of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

There is a surprising amount of special effects for a cheapo, early 80s horror film. I’m not saying this is a good thing. But points for effort.

The vampire couple turning into weirdly glowy bats.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Maybe. It celebrates the outsider and it says some satirical stuff about family dynamics and… You know what? I’m just making stuff up now. This isn’t gay at all. It’s fun, though. In a stupid, bland kind of way.