THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

                   
The Cabin in the Woods is unclassifiable. Is it horror, sci fi, or comedy? Is it a clever mash-up of all three? Does it lovingly pay tribute to past horror films, or mock their genre tropes?

                      

In the end, I walked out of the theater not sure what to make of it, but the smile on my face told me that it really didn’t matter. I’m not exaggerating when I say that The Cabin in the Woods is the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen so far this year. Perhaps it’s my favorite horror-comedy since Scream 4. And everyone knows how much I love Scream 4.

                           

                     

Because I enjoyed the unusual twists and rhythms of this movie, I don’t want to give anything away in this review. I want everyone who walks into this movie to have as little knowledge as possible, because the ride is such an unusual and twisty one. But I will say the dialogue is Whedonesque and clever, the deaths are memorable, and the last half hour is filled to the brim with moments that would make any horror fan want to stand up and cheer. The world that this movie creates for itself is insanely clever and immersive; it basically explains how every horror film ever made could co-exist in the same, crazy, wonked-out universe.

                                  

Please, please, please see this movie while it is still in the theaters. Pay the ticket price. This is a singular experience. I may not know how to classify it, except to say that it’s good. Really, really good.

                            

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

   
So we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Nick Swardson did not make a movie starring any of his gay stereotype characters. The bad news is Nick Swardson made a movie.
   

This film, produced by the American auteur Adam Sandler, helped Mr. Sandler set a record for the most Razzie nominations in a single year. It also set a record for one of the lowest-grossing wide-release movies in the history of film. Let us see how the title character, porn star Bucky Larson, responds to the bad news...
       

     
Oh I see. Bucky is a freakish man-child, and everyone else in the movie are actual, normal characters who have to help him grow up.
    

   
...No. I guess not. I guess everyone in this movie is an off-putting weirdo. Good thing they decided not to cast any big-name stars who might otherwise derail their careers...

   
Oh look. I see Don Johnson. Well, he got a paycheck out of it.
   

   
And of course, this would not be an Adam Sandler movie without an addled old lady who gets abused by people. I will be you three dollars that she gets run over by a car.
   
Well, this is clearly turning out to be a train wreck, but at least there were no A-list celebrities slumming it in the film. We can rest assured that none of our favorite actors had to endure the awfulness of this film.
     

   

Wednesday!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

THE HORROR SHOW (HOUSE 3)

I didn’t want to write a full review of House 3 the same way I wrote one for House 1, 2, and 4. Why? Because this isn’t really a House movie. It’s a title-grabbing cash-in, and I’ve always felt a little angry at this movie, because it throws off the numbering system of the entire House franchise. (Much like the Italian Zombi movies, which either skipped number one or number two, depending on how you look at them.)

     

 So yes, as you can tell, I am very boring at parties.

       

 But the point is, I finally sat through House 3 yesterday (or at least the first two thirds, before Netflix decided to lay a big old fart on my Internet connection). And my verdict: pleasantly surprised. I was expected a straight-up horror movie, which would go against the horror-comedy spirit of the other two installments. But this was actually kind of funny. Or at least it tried to be. The ghost (because this movie has a single ghost) terrorizes our poor main character, but he actually has a sense of humor about it. There were a few scenes in this film that actually reminded me of the similarly overlooked Shocker.

      

No, I don’t recommend this. But I’m glad I saw it. Not bad, Mr. Cash Grab. Not bad.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #7 to watch Night of the Creeps:
I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.
What’s the bad news?
They’re dead.

HOUSE

HOUSE
1986
Directed by Steven Miner (Halloween: H20, Friday the 13^th Part 2, ABC Family’s Switched at Birth)
Written by Fred Dekker (Monster Squad!), Ethan Wiley (Children of the Cord 5: Fields of Terror Bad CGI)
Starring William Katt and George Wendt, the 80s version of Laurel and Hardy

WHA’ HAPPENED?
The Greatest American Hero™ (William Katt) moves into his aunt’s haunted house so he can have some alone time to write a novel about the Vietnam War. He doesn’t realize the house is infested with a horrible creature that will surely drive him to madness: TV’s George Wendt.

And there are ghosts. Lots of weird-ass ghosts, including the crumbling remains of a former soldier that Katt left to lie in some Vietnamese rice paddy. This skeleton warrior is out for revenge, which is why he kidnapped Katt’s son and whisked him away to an ill-defined realm of darkness and tentacles. Katt must save his son, defeat the zombie, and survive a week living in… The House!

BACKGROUND
This film came in the middle of the mid-80s horror comedy boom, which was arguably jumpstarted by Freddy Krueger and his increasingly zany antics. Two and a half decades later, House has become a well-regarded HBO staple, and people think of it as Fright Night’s doofy younger brother. You know, the one with ADD and George Wendt? I hadn’t seen it in years, but I remember being amused throughout the whole film. So when MOON IS A DEAD WORLD chose this for the latest round of Viewer Vomit, I was ready and willing and check it out one more time.

One of the more harrowing showdowns in the film.

Where's Rhea Pearlman when you need her?

EXPECTATIONS
When I popped my House VHS tape into my dusty old VCR (true story), I had a few very clear images in my mind: William Katt diving through his bathroom mirror, a skeleton super-soldier, a goofy-looking purple ghost thing that impersonates William Katt’s wife. Basically, I remembered all the money shots. But I wasn’t sure how much of a comedy this was.

I’d seen all three House movies (1, 2, and 4, because 3 doesn’t really exist), and I was aware that each one walked the horror/comedy tightrope to varying degrees of success. Was this the one with an Old West shoot-out. Did this have a pizza monster? All the House movies blurred in my brain, and I was curious to see how the first one stood up.

Not since his role in Problem Child 3: Junior's in Love

has William Katt been this terrified.

WHAT I LIKED
After watching this one and the two sequels, I can safely say that this is by far the least comedic, which is definitely a good thing. There’s obvious comedy in this film, particularly physical stuff involving wacky monster body parts and dead bodies. (It’s like Poltergeist on meth, but in a good way.) George Wendt also gets off a few good one-liners (My personal favorite: “Cujo, the raccoon!”). And William Katt has the common sense to play everything with a slight wink to the audience. He’s not the greatest actor around (Hence his role in Problem Child 3), but he comes across as endearing and sympathetic.

That said, the movie isn’t pure slapstick. There are actual stakes involved. Unlike the sequels, which have moments of drama that they utterly botch, this one uses the kidnapped son in a way that seems properly dramatic, but not depressing.

Look what I caught!

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

This film isn’t perfect, and there are a few sour notes. I’m specifically talking about the completely cheesy Vietnam flashbacks. They look like they were filmed in someone’s backyard luau. They come at random times throughout the film and totally disrupt the flow. Most importantly, though, these flashbacks are completely unneccessary. We can get all this information in half the time. William Katt talks about his PTSD more than enough times (he’s writing a freaking book about it!). We don’t need to see any of this happening on the screen.

My other major gripe with this film is that the ghost dimension that his son is trapped in comes across as thoroughly underdeveloped and confusing. Has the boy been treading water in a dark cave for the months that he’s been gone? The movie does not explain where he was this entire time. Maybe if the movie spent less time showing William Katt spout off war movie clichés with that bailiff guy from Night Court… then maybe we’d get half a minute of explanation about where his son was. Just a thought.

FINAL VERDICT

I enjoyed this movie. A lot. I laughed at all the right parts, I thought the comedy didn't take anything away from the legitimate scares, and I enjoyed hanging out with these actors. It's not flawless, but it's good-natured enough that the flaws don't really matter. Now that I've watched it again, I don't think I'll let my VHS copy build up quite so much dust the next time I want to check it out.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

Get the Breakfast Club reference?

STATS:

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

1986

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Starring Caroline Williams, Dennis Hopper, and Bill Moseley

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, lots of weird and funny things happen, but not a lot of horrific things happen. Honestly, this does not make a good double feature with the original, because the tone is so completely different. It’s like comparing Independence Day and Mars Attacks, except instead of aliens, these two movies are about eating people in chili. (Well, at least the second one is about chili, but the characters from the first one probably ate human chili too.)

The psycho family from Part One has disappeared into a cave system somewhere in Texas to continue their cannibalism. Poor radio personality Caroline Williams has to survive a night in those creepy-ass catacombs, illuminated only by Christmas lights and sparks from a chainsaw.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Peel that pig and slice him thick.

Grandpa’s strict liquid diet keeps him as fresh as a rose.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I saw this movie as a kid right after renting the first one. (To this day, that first viewing of Chainsaw 1 is the scariest movie experience of my life.) I was all ready to go, expecting something handheld and horrifying. What I got was a whole lot of goofiness and not a lot of horror. I was so disappointed, I hadn’t seen it since. Looking back, I wondered if maybe I was too hard on it because it was so different from the original. Would I change my opinion?

FINAL VERDICT:

Yes and no. Everything I felt about this movie the first time around remains unchanged. Bill Moseley is goofy as hell, Leatherface seems neutered and emasculated, and the kills are wacky (especially the opening murders of the two radio-callers). But I didn’t realize how fun this all was. If you are properly prepared, this movie really is a good time. It doesn’t resemble the original at all, but so what.

There is one pleasant surprise about this rewatch: Dennis Hopper. I had no memory of what a total badass he is in this movie. I mean, the main girl is great (I will always treasure that actress from Leprechaun 3), but the Hopper really owns this film. He’s like the American hillbilly version of Dr. Loomis from Halloween. And if that isn’t enough to recommend this movie, I don’t know what it.

HOUSE 2: The Second Story

House II: The Second Story is a big, overstuffed mess of a movie with at least two plot threads too many, but holy crap is it fun to watch. It basically takes the story and tone of the first House, and adds a bunch more wackiness. It also gets rid of the weird tonal shifts that the first one had (like all those cheesy Vietnam flashbacks). When you think of horror-comedies, you think of movies like this.

Let’s start a checklist of why this movie is a fun experience.

1. First, we have the house itself, which seems much creepier and more Baroque than the first house. One of its rooms is actually a prehistoric jungle, so you know it has some serious square footage.

2. We have our requisite Cheers castmember making the rounds. In the first one, it was George Wendt. In this one, we get Pixar fave John Ratzenberger, who is clearly having a ball.

 

3. We get Amy (Problem Child) Yasbeck in a completely unnecessary role of a pop star wannabe. Why is this storyline even in the movie? No idea. But it’s always good to see Ms. Yasbeck outside of that damn airport.

4. Bill Maher tries to act. Sure, the character of the slimy music agent really fits him, but what’s really cool is the novelty of watching Bill Maher slum it up in a low-budget horror comedy.

5. Royal Dano as a cowboy zombie adjusting to live in Reagan’s America. His cluelessness and regret are alternately funny and touching. And that make-up is very, very good.

6. And finally, this film involves a whole host of weird puppets, including this little guy clutching a magic crystal skull in its beak. You heard me correctly: a magic crystal skull. This is by far the greatest movie involving a magic crystal skull. (Though, admittedly, there isn’t much competition.)

Will you ever get scared by watching this movie? Probably not. Will you laugh out loud? Maybe. But you’ll definitely grin all the way through. And isn’t that a good enough reason to watch?

House IV

STATS:

HOUSE IV

1992

Directed by Lewis Abernathy

Written by an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of keyboards

Starring William Katt (barely), Denny Dillon, and Terri Treas (no idea)

House 1 and House 2 are light-hearted horror comedies where everything works out in the end. Sure, the leads have to face down gloopy looking ghosts and pterodactyls (seriously), but they proceed along at a quick pace and are a lot of fun to watch. House 4, on the other hand, doubles down on the wackiness quotient, but ends up paradoxically darker, angrier, and more unpleasant than either of its prequels. (House 3 doesn’t exist, by the way.)

First of all, take a look at the titular house. It’s not a charming fixer-upper like before. This is a horrid little place in the middle of the desert. Why does it even exist out here? Who built it? Should I be paying attention to the stupid Indian burial ground backstory that comes out of nowhere halfway through the film?

Apparently, the property is quite valuable, which is why a midget mob boss wants to kill William Katt and his family so that he could demolish the property and build something-something. I say go for it. I’m sure there are some nice condos nearby. And by nearby, I mean far far away from this deserted hell-hole.

To start things off with a bang, William Katt dies in a car accident, leaving his grieving wife and newly paralyzed daughter behind. That’s a great way to begin a horror-comedy, don’t you think?

Did I mention the midget crime boss? Because holy crap was that character an ill-advised bit of nastiness. He is hooked up to a machine that constantly pumps phlegm from his neck hole. In one lovely scene, he has his goons hold down a business partner and pour the phlegm down his throat. By this point in the movie, I’m really starting to miss the pterodactyls of part 2.

Even the wacky monsters are meant to be goofy but come across as disgusting. Case-in-point: the Pizza Man, who looks like this:

William Katt's widow shoves him in the disposal, getting brownish pizza goo all over herself. The scene was meant to be slapsticky, but comes across as depressing instead. They also make jokes about anchovies, which are God’s gift to pizza lovers everywhere, so I’m a little angry at that, too.

Most of the actual humor comes via SNL alum Denny Dillon. If you don’t remember her from SNL, she was on that show during the early 80s, when no one watched. It was a dark time for late night television, but Denny herself isn’t half bad.

All-in-all, this movie's attempts at comedy come off horrific, and its attempts at horror come off comedic. It is an unpleasant movie full of phlegm and cheap drama. (In one scene, the wheelchair-bound daughter looks longingly at two girls who are jumping in slow motion for no reason whatsoever. Stupid stupid stupid.) Do yourself a favor and rewatch parts 1 or 2 instead. Or part 3, which doesn’t exist.

A random picture. I wanted to cheer myself up.

CHRONICLE

My new favorite poster. Take that, Precious.

Every few years, you catch a movie that is so perfectly on your wavelength, you half-wonder if it was written by your more talented evil twin. For me, Chronicle is that movie. A found-footage mash-up of teen angst, telekinetic power, unintentional homoeroticism, and high school issues: that is pretty much a comprehensive list of the themes that I would totally write a movie about.

The gay kid from In Treatment stars as a high school senior who gains superpowers and slowly lets them turn him into a power-mad supervillain. This is the superhero movie that Hancock or Kick Ass only wish they were. It's closer in tone and scope to the British show Misfits, except without the raunchiness and time travel.

The acting is extremely naturalistic, so much so that the "home movie" gimmick fades away and you feel like you're watching a trio of normal kids from your hometown. I keep using second person here because I really really want YOU to watch this movie. I won't go so far as to call it our generation's Carrie, but it definitely taps into the wounded teen in all of us, the scared kid that would lash out at the world if he only had the power.





NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #12 to watch Night of the Creeps: It stars Robyn Lively's brother.

VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Vampire in Brooklyn came during a dark time in my life: Wes Craven's pre-Scream 90s output. The creator of some of my favorite horror films was in a serious funk, and while I usually argue that People Under the Stairs and New Nightmare are underappreciated, there really isn’t a lot to recommend here. But Im going to recommend stuff anyway. First of all, the supporting cast, filled with talented ringers like Mitch What’s-His-Name from X Files and Shocker.

Also, the make up and effects aren’t that bad either. While I was seriously disappointed with Eddie Murphy in this role, when his face vamped out, it went a long way toward making him less… insufferable.

Now how do we fix his accent? 

And Angela Bassett is beautiful and classy as always. Case in point: she has a beret.

Which now leads us to why this movie failed: Eddie Murphy. I have no idea if this was meant as a horror film or a comedy, and I have a distinct feeling that Eddie didn’t know either. The low points occur when he plays some side character in white face. Or Asian face. Thank God he didn’t bust out the fat suit.

The fault isn’t just at Eddie’s feet, though. All the attempts at humor fall flat, particularly the wisecracking zombie assistant who keeps losing body parts. Ugh.

WHAAAA...

I almost recommend this movie just to see how wrong-headed some of the creative decisions were. Eddie Murphy as Dracula doesn’t sound like a particularly promising idea, and the movie sinks to the level of its premise. Thank God Scream came along.

BEING HUMAN

Tonight is the season premiere of the American version of Being Human, the Syfy channel show that offers the steadiest stream of supernatural beefcake. (Sorry, Warehouse 13.) From the previews, it looks like the werewolf and the vampire get to do a lot of angsty craziness as usual, whereas the ghost is still mopey.

I am particularly excited to see the return of Sam Huntington as Josh, our resident werewolf-slash-puppy-dog. I mean, look at those eyes:

I have been a fan of this guy since his role as Mimi-siku in the Tim Allen-vehicle Jungle 2 Jungle. (The 90s was a simpler time.) And while I have since grown out of my love for that movie, the same cannot be said for Sam, who has been a great screen presence in movies like Not Another Teen Movie, Superman Returns, and the woefully underappreciated Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

So show your appreciation and check out the premiere of Being Human. At the very least, you will get some TV-friendly werewolf violence.

Seriously. Can we just Photoshop that ghost out of there...

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #39 to watch Night of the Creeps: It has, like, four different beginnings that are completely unrelated to anything that happens in the actual movie. Is it about urban legends? Stumpy little alien beings? No and no.

HOUSE

When I mention the movie House, people assume that I am talking about that great 80s horror-comedy with William Katt and a bunch of crazy ghosts. Or maybe House 2, its equally good sequel with the best subtitle ever (House 2: The Second Story). Or maybe House 4, which is like the original, except creepy and stupid. Fun fact: there is no House 3, at least not in America.

But I don’t want to talk about that film series. I would rather talk about the Japanese movie from the 1970s. House was meant to be the Japanese equivalent of Jaws: a horror movie blockbuster that captures the national attitude at the time. The fact that the filmmakers thought that they could capture their country’s zeitgeist with a film about human-eating pianos, floating heads, and witch cats really tells you a lot about Japan. God bless them and their pop culture craziness.

Let us take a moment to savor this film. First, look at this photo of a girl whose fingers were eaten by a piano...

The disturbing part of this picture is not the fact that she is missing all of her fingers, but the fact that she is smiling about it. This film makes no sense!

And behold this scene, in which a girl finds a floating head hidden inside a well. The head flies around for a few seconds, then bites her on the butt. She is screaming, of course, but again, it looks like she might be smiling a little too.

If these pictures intrigue you, please Netflix this movie ASAP. I honestly cannot tell if it is amazing or horrible. There is no possible way that I can judge this film. Just know that it is unlike anything you have ever seen. Unless, of course, you live in Japan.

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

First off, let me just say that Cemetery Man with Rupert Everett is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It has a cult following, but I hated it with a passion and thought that it was pretentious, stupid, and endless. When I found out that the comic that inspired this movie was about to be readapted with Brandon Routh, I was curious. If it was even slightly passable, then the bad taste of Cemetery Man would be washed away completely.

Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen. I have some great news. IT WAS SLIGHTLY PASSABLE! Yay! Mr. Routh was dreamy and superheroic as ever, but his voiceovers were awful. Sam Huntington (also of Superman Returns fame) was adorable, but a little of him goes a long way, and I think he wore out his welcome by the fifteenth freak-out.

But you cannot go wrong with a werewolf Peter Stormare chewing scenery like a madman. That guy can out-crazy Nicolas Cage. So see the movie for him… for beefcake… and for some nice creature effects. Just don’t expect anything revolutionary.