I DISMEMBER MAMA

Welcome to VHS Tuesday, where I dig up one of my old, awful horror videos and share its delightfully stupid packaging. When horror videos first started flooding the market, the marketing geniuses really went to town thinking up the best taglines and the most hilariously literal summaries. Today we have I Dismember Mama, an awful, awful video nasty that I never want to see again. But its packaging: pure genius.
   

This is the cover. Look! It’s Roy Scheider playing a washed-up magician.

   

   
Note the tagline: May she rest… in pieces. Damn. Gets me every time.
     
And the summary:
        

POOR ALBERT IS JUST CRAZY ABOUT WOMEN.

     

Albert (Zooey Hall) is a mentally disturbed young man incarcerated in a rest home run by Dr. Burton (Frank Whiteman).

    
A nurse’s reprimand (Elaine Partnow) causes him to lock her in his room, strip off her clothes and attempt to murder her. Then an attendant (James Tartan) is brutally murdered and Albert escapes. And so starts a killing spree more brutal than any ever seen in the annals of filmmaking. First his mothers servant goes, then a call girl in a series of chilling murders culminating in a terrifying Hitchcockian climax that will leave you breathless time and time again!
      

Not only do we know exactly who dies (and in what order!) but we also know that this is the most brutal, Hitchcockian story ever put to film. God bless whatever minimum wage copy-writer wrote this description. You almost make me want to see this movie again. Almost.

PIECES

      
No words can describe how awesome and derivative this movie is. Oh wait. Words totally can do that! And here they are:
       

PIECES… It’s exactly what you think it is!

   

The year is 1941! A young boy is assembling a jigsaw puzzle of a nude woman, when his mother enters in a rage and tells him to throw the puzzle out. Instead he returns with an ax and hacks his mother to death, tricking the police into believing a maniac had killed her.

   

Forty years later at a Boston college, the terror really begins. A chainsaw-weilding madman is roaming the campus collecting pieces of beautiful co-eds for a ghastly human puzzle he is assembling—and the police haven’t a clue to the crazed killer's identity.

    

CHRISTOPHER GEORGE (MORTUARY) stars in this horrifying adventure into madness, hysteria and bone-chilling brutality.

Truth Or Dare?

   
Happy Tuesday! Here's another awful VHS summary. This comes from the 1986 slasher Truth Or Dare?, one of the most notorious video nasties I have had the pleasure of sitting through. Here is what the video box says:
     

It’s Time To Play TRUTH OR DARE? A Critical Madness

    

(The question mark makes everything seem less scary, somehow.)

   
Meet Mike Strauber. He plays a deadly game. He plays Truth or Dare with everyone…even himself.
    

Truth Or Dare, a child’s game turned into a psychotic, twisted game of self-destruction. This non-stop psycho-thriller packed with action will assault you personally. Mike Strauber, played brilliantly by John Brace, formerly of the Burt Reynolds Playhouse, brings you to the edge of your seat with passionate understanding coupled with unbridled hatred. If anyone ever asks you to play Truth Or Dare… tell them you’ve seen the movie.

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Ray Bradbury is a genius. I’ve read several of his books, and while I appreciate his stories more than I actively enjoy them, he does know his way around some killer concepts: the idea of a dark carnival is quite bad-ass, indeed.

I have not read the story this movie was based on, but I used to catch it on the Disney Channel every year around Halloween time. They don’t play it so much, mostly to give extra time to wacky sitcoms. But also because HOLY CRAP this movie is terrifying. The spider lady, the aging backwards, the showdown in the library, the amputee footballer, the horrible parades… Watching this movie is like watching a perfect old-timey town slowly being taken over by something dark and horrible. The story doesn’t always fit together, and plot points crash into each other without the slightest bit of connective tissue (…uh, something, something lightning rods…). But coherence is overrated, and this film succeeds in being creepy as hell. Check it out the next time it’s on TV. You’d be surprised what they could get away with in a kid’s movie. There isn’t anything overtly gory or gross, but the tone is creepy and curdled and so, so good.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #7 to watch Night of the Creeps:
I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.
What’s the bad news?
They’re dead.

HOUSE

HOUSE
1986
Directed by Steven Miner (Halloween: H20, Friday the 13^th Part 2, ABC Family’s Switched at Birth)
Written by Fred Dekker (Monster Squad!), Ethan Wiley (Children of the Cord 5: Fields of Terror Bad CGI)
Starring William Katt and George Wendt, the 80s version of Laurel and Hardy

WHA’ HAPPENED?
The Greatest American Hero™ (William Katt) moves into his aunt’s haunted house so he can have some alone time to write a novel about the Vietnam War. He doesn’t realize the house is infested with a horrible creature that will surely drive him to madness: TV’s George Wendt.

And there are ghosts. Lots of weird-ass ghosts, including the crumbling remains of a former soldier that Katt left to lie in some Vietnamese rice paddy. This skeleton warrior is out for revenge, which is why he kidnapped Katt’s son and whisked him away to an ill-defined realm of darkness and tentacles. Katt must save his son, defeat the zombie, and survive a week living in… The House!

BACKGROUND
This film came in the middle of the mid-80s horror comedy boom, which was arguably jumpstarted by Freddy Krueger and his increasingly zany antics. Two and a half decades later, House has become a well-regarded HBO staple, and people think of it as Fright Night’s doofy younger brother. You know, the one with ADD and George Wendt? I hadn’t seen it in years, but I remember being amused throughout the whole film. So when MOON IS A DEAD WORLD chose this for the latest round of Viewer Vomit, I was ready and willing and check it out one more time.

One of the more harrowing showdowns in the film.

Where's Rhea Pearlman when you need her?

EXPECTATIONS
When I popped my House VHS tape into my dusty old VCR (true story), I had a few very clear images in my mind: William Katt diving through his bathroom mirror, a skeleton super-soldier, a goofy-looking purple ghost thing that impersonates William Katt’s wife. Basically, I remembered all the money shots. But I wasn’t sure how much of a comedy this was.

I’d seen all three House movies (1, 2, and 4, because 3 doesn’t really exist), and I was aware that each one walked the horror/comedy tightrope to varying degrees of success. Was this the one with an Old West shoot-out. Did this have a pizza monster? All the House movies blurred in my brain, and I was curious to see how the first one stood up.

Not since his role in Problem Child 3: Junior's in Love

has William Katt been this terrified.

WHAT I LIKED
After watching this one and the two sequels, I can safely say that this is by far the least comedic, which is definitely a good thing. There’s obvious comedy in this film, particularly physical stuff involving wacky monster body parts and dead bodies. (It’s like Poltergeist on meth, but in a good way.) George Wendt also gets off a few good one-liners (My personal favorite: “Cujo, the raccoon!”). And William Katt has the common sense to play everything with a slight wink to the audience. He’s not the greatest actor around (Hence his role in Problem Child 3), but he comes across as endearing and sympathetic.

That said, the movie isn’t pure slapstick. There are actual stakes involved. Unlike the sequels, which have moments of drama that they utterly botch, this one uses the kidnapped son in a way that seems properly dramatic, but not depressing.

Look what I caught!

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

This film isn’t perfect, and there are a few sour notes. I’m specifically talking about the completely cheesy Vietnam flashbacks. They look like they were filmed in someone’s backyard luau. They come at random times throughout the film and totally disrupt the flow. Most importantly, though, these flashbacks are completely unneccessary. We can get all this information in half the time. William Katt talks about his PTSD more than enough times (he’s writing a freaking book about it!). We don’t need to see any of this happening on the screen.

My other major gripe with this film is that the ghost dimension that his son is trapped in comes across as thoroughly underdeveloped and confusing. Has the boy been treading water in a dark cave for the months that he’s been gone? The movie does not explain where he was this entire time. Maybe if the movie spent less time showing William Katt spout off war movie clichés with that bailiff guy from Night Court… then maybe we’d get half a minute of explanation about where his son was. Just a thought.

FINAL VERDICT

I enjoyed this movie. A lot. I laughed at all the right parts, I thought the comedy didn't take anything away from the legitimate scares, and I enjoyed hanging out with these actors. It's not flawless, but it's good-natured enough that the flaws don't really matter. Now that I've watched it again, I don't think I'll let my VHS copy build up quite so much dust the next time I want to check it out.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

Get the Breakfast Club reference?

STATS:

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

1986

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Starring Caroline Williams, Dennis Hopper, and Bill Moseley

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, lots of weird and funny things happen, but not a lot of horrific things happen. Honestly, this does not make a good double feature with the original, because the tone is so completely different. It’s like comparing Independence Day and Mars Attacks, except instead of aliens, these two movies are about eating people in chili. (Well, at least the second one is about chili, but the characters from the first one probably ate human chili too.)

The psycho family from Part One has disappeared into a cave system somewhere in Texas to continue their cannibalism. Poor radio personality Caroline Williams has to survive a night in those creepy-ass catacombs, illuminated only by Christmas lights and sparks from a chainsaw.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Peel that pig and slice him thick.

Grandpa’s strict liquid diet keeps him as fresh as a rose.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I saw this movie as a kid right after renting the first one. (To this day, that first viewing of Chainsaw 1 is the scariest movie experience of my life.) I was all ready to go, expecting something handheld and horrifying. What I got was a whole lot of goofiness and not a lot of horror. I was so disappointed, I hadn’t seen it since. Looking back, I wondered if maybe I was too hard on it because it was so different from the original. Would I change my opinion?

FINAL VERDICT:

Yes and no. Everything I felt about this movie the first time around remains unchanged. Bill Moseley is goofy as hell, Leatherface seems neutered and emasculated, and the kills are wacky (especially the opening murders of the two radio-callers). But I didn’t realize how fun this all was. If you are properly prepared, this movie really is a good time. It doesn’t resemble the original at all, but so what.

There is one pleasant surprise about this rewatch: Dennis Hopper. I had no memory of what a total badass he is in this movie. I mean, the main girl is great (I will always treasure that actress from Leprechaun 3), but the Hopper really owns this film. He’s like the American hillbilly version of Dr. Loomis from Halloween. And if that isn’t enough to recommend this movie, I don’t know what it.

HOUSE 2: The Second Story

House II: The Second Story is a big, overstuffed mess of a movie with at least two plot threads too many, but holy crap is it fun to watch. It basically takes the story and tone of the first House, and adds a bunch more wackiness. It also gets rid of the weird tonal shifts that the first one had (like all those cheesy Vietnam flashbacks). When you think of horror-comedies, you think of movies like this.

Let’s start a checklist of why this movie is a fun experience.

1. First, we have the house itself, which seems much creepier and more Baroque than the first house. One of its rooms is actually a prehistoric jungle, so you know it has some serious square footage.

2. We have our requisite Cheers castmember making the rounds. In the first one, it was George Wendt. In this one, we get Pixar fave John Ratzenberger, who is clearly having a ball.

 

3. We get Amy (Problem Child) Yasbeck in a completely unnecessary role of a pop star wannabe. Why is this storyline even in the movie? No idea. But it’s always good to see Ms. Yasbeck outside of that damn airport.

4. Bill Maher tries to act. Sure, the character of the slimy music agent really fits him, but what’s really cool is the novelty of watching Bill Maher slum it up in a low-budget horror comedy.

5. Royal Dano as a cowboy zombie adjusting to live in Reagan’s America. His cluelessness and regret are alternately funny and touching. And that make-up is very, very good.

6. And finally, this film involves a whole host of weird puppets, including this little guy clutching a magic crystal skull in its beak. You heard me correctly: a magic crystal skull. This is by far the greatest movie involving a magic crystal skull. (Though, admittedly, there isn’t much competition.)

Will you ever get scared by watching this movie? Probably not. Will you laugh out loud? Maybe. But you’ll definitely grin all the way through. And isn’t that a good enough reason to watch?

Happy V-Day. I love you all.

Love,

Axl    

SCREAMTIME

SCREAMTIME is a presumably British horror anthology from the 80s that should have been cheesy and forgettable, but somehow rises above its ambitions by interesting plot twists, good acting, and lots of respect for the target audience. The last point is illustrated by the fact that the framing devise involves people hanging out and watching rented VHS videos from a random mom-and-pop store. Brownie points right there!

Just the word CASSETTES makes me happy.

The stories are not particularly revolutionary, especially the killer puppeteer segment that opens the movie. But holy crap did I find myself wrapped up in the story. I thought the old man was very sympathetic, the accents were charming, and the puppet was the requisite amount of creepy.

The level of blood and violence was also way up, so points for that. But by far my favorite moment in the film was the twist ending to the haunted house story. Brutal, unexpected, and so so good. You can check this one out on Netflix Instant. Be patient, though, because each of the three stories (puppets, haunted houses, elves) has something new to offer.

A body. Of course.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #12 to watch Night of the Creeps: It stars Robyn Lively's brother.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Ghost of a Chance

A while back, I discussed a Halloween episode of Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, that classic late-80s, early-90s staple of Disney Afternoon. Today I want to talk about its companion episode. And by companion, I mean it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, except a Halloween theme and a pair of crime-solving rodents. In this installment, Chip and Dale meet a ghost mouse and help him move on to the afterlife. It is a lot like an episode of Ghost Whisperer, except without Jennifer Love Hewitt, her boobs, or whispering.

Much of the run-time of this episode is spent with the main characters wandering around a big spooky castle while eyes in paintings look at them. Or look in totally different directions. Whichever.

Because this is an episode of Chip and Dale, everything can be blamed on Fat Cat, the resident baddy. (Everything except the mouse ghost and his mouse death, which has nothing to do with him.) Fat Cat is after some random treasure, by the way. He does that a lot.

The only thrills and chills of the episode come courtesy of the red-eyed cat monster that wanders the castle grounds. Note the zipper lines. Also note the button, unless he has some kind of ghost cat skin cancer.

I would definitely recommend this episode as an example of what Chip and Dale has to offer: a simple, child friendly mystery interspersed with action, one-lines, and pratfalls. The mouse guillotine is just a bonus.

SPOILER ALERT: they do not get beheaded.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #39 to watch Night of the Creeps: It has, like, four different beginnings that are completely unrelated to anything that happens in the actual movie. Is it about urban legends? Stumpy little alien beings? No and no.

THE TERMINATOR

The Terminator has a lot of nudity. It has plenty of violence. It has a strong female character who learns how to grow and kick ass as the story progresses. It has great practical special effects. It has some nudity. It has an epic story involving time travel and saving the world. It has at least four classic lines that have gone down in cinematic history. It has great music. And it has nudity. Why haven’t I talked about this movie before? 

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Pound of the Baskervilles

I am a huge fan of Disney Afternoon. This childrens programming block from the early 90s churned out some of the best television animation of the era. Ducktales. Darkwing Duck. Bonkers. Goof Troop. TaleSpin. Gummi Bears. And of course Chip N Dale: Rescue Rangers.

Chip N Dale was an adventure series that reimagined the titular rodents as members of an elite animal team that fought for justice rather than those awful creatures that tormented Donald Duck every Christmas season. The stories were simple, but they always moved at a fast clip and used a heavy dose of family-friendly humor. There is also a certain kick that comes from watching little creatures use everyday objects in clever new ways. Call it the Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids syndrome.

Today, we are talking about Pound of the Baskervilles, a Halloween episode that takes the basic idea of the Sherlock Holmes story and adds talking mice. (Yeah, yeah. I know Chip and Dale are chipmunks. I was talking about Gadget and Monterey Jack.)

This episode meant a lot to me growing up, because it was terrifying. And by terrifying, I mean there was a red-eyed ghost dog craving human flesh.

...And I was officially the worlds biggest coward. Rewatching this now, I finally realize that the real threat was not an imaginary ghost dog, but a conniving uncle out for his inheritance or something. It was this guy:

Remember that face. About half the

human extras in this film look exactly like him.

Looking back on it, the main mystery is extremely easy to solve. Much like your typical Scooby Doo episode, there is exactly one suspect and one red herring. In this case, the guy who did it was... THE SUSPECT! Oh my god!

Like all episodes of this show, justice wins and we end on a laugh.

But rewatching this so many years later is a lot of fun. Seeing what we thought was scary in a totally new light makes us realize how simple life was back that, and how even the most insurmountable problems are probably easier than we think. It is total comfort food, and even though I was certainly not scared, I am glad I sat through it.

Also, the dog sounded like Ringo.

I didnt get the reference as a kid, apparently.

UNICORN ISLE

You wanna see something really gay? How about the short-lived 80s comic series Unicorn Isle? I bought this issue for a dollar at my local Hastings bookstore. It’s full of hot male elves and fantasy gibberish. I didn’t quite follow the story, and the drawings were a tad too rococo and hard to follow. But whenever you stumble across something as awesomely gay as this, you have to celebrate it.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #17 to watch Night of the Creeps: It doesn't know what genre it is. Sci-fi? Comedy? Horror? Romance? Afterschool special? It's all of the above in a big, gloopy blender.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #42 to watch Night of the Creeps: It doesn't make handicapped people seem saintly and perfect. And the nerd characters are uniformly douchey.

SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

STATS:

SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

1988

Directed by Howard R. Cohen

Written by Howard R. Cohen

Starring Ray Walston, other people

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The same thing as Saturday the 14th, just with different people and less humor. Also, instead of a magic monster book, this movie has a magic smoking crack. That is right. A magic smoking crack that gives birth to strange things.

Like an eye window.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I grew up with the first film. I acknowledge its many flaws, but I love it so so much. I knew that this sequel exists, but it’s notoriously hard to track down. So I went to Amazon.com, which is a great place to find VHS copies of anything, and ordered myself a copy of this film. Now that I’ve seen it, I fully understand why it’s so hard to track down.

What!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film is chock-full of nudity. Actually, no nudity. Like in the first film, the teenage daughter takes a wacky bath with a wacky monster. But other than that, nothing to report. Just a lot of wholesome fully-clothed talking scenes of talking with clothes on.

Also, sexual tension.

FAMOUS PEOPLE:

This film has some familiar faces. There’s nothing more fun than watching someone you like as they slum their way through something beneath them. People like him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Losing some of his Hills Have Eyes cred.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Taking a break from reviewing films.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. I recognize him from 60 Minutes.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Why do I recognize this house? Is it the house from House IV? Or Real Genius? Anyone? Thoughts?

FINAL VERDICT:

This film is awful. Seriously. People don’t act like real human beings. They do wacky things for no reason at all. It’s the fakest, dumbest thing, and a true step down from the dumb-but-fun original.

Stupid people being stupid. With fog.