DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

First off, let me just say that Cemetery Man with Rupert Everett is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It has a cult following, but I hated it with a passion and thought that it was pretentious, stupid, and endless. When I found out that the comic that inspired this movie was about to be readapted with Brandon Routh, I was curious. If it was even slightly passable, then the bad taste of Cemetery Man would be washed away completely.

Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen. I have some great news. IT WAS SLIGHTLY PASSABLE! Yay! Mr. Routh was dreamy and superheroic as ever, but his voiceovers were awful. Sam Huntington (also of Superman Returns fame) was adorable, but a little of him goes a long way, and I think he wore out his welcome by the fifteenth freak-out.

But you cannot go wrong with a werewolf Peter Stormare chewing scenery like a madman. That guy can out-crazy Nicolas Cage. So see the movie for him… for beefcake… and for some nice creature effects. Just don’t expect anything revolutionary.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

STATS:

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

1992

Directed by Fran Rubel Kuzui

Written by Joss Whedon!

Starring Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, Paul Reubens, Donald Sutherland, Hilary Swank, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette

David Arquette

WHA’ HAPPENED?

I know you’ve seen the TV show. I know you know the plot. Let’s move on.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it's swell. And you come along and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can throw things at me?"

"Pike isn't a name, it's a fish."

"You're floating! C'mon, man, get away from here!"

"Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?"

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film has gotten some undeserved criticism since the subsequent TV show went and redefined genre television as we know it. While admittedly not nearly as amazing as the show, this film is a solid, enjoyable ride. I have seen this film multiple times, each time expecting to be disappointed because I am such a fan of the show. And each time, I am reminded of how solid this film really is. I just wanted to share that with people.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

None. Now, I’m not saying that I’m a huge Luke Perry fan. But 0% is a rather low ratio for shirtlessness, no?

BLOOD AND GUTS:

A small amount. We see neck biting. The Pee-Wee Herman vampire loses an arm.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Hey! It’s Hilary Swank. She must’ve just stopped training with Mr. Miyagi.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yes. This is the kind of film that LGBTerror was made for. A smart, strong heroine teams up with some cute outsider guy and together they fight vampires. It’s clever and quippy and campy and fun. Even though Joss Whedon saved his gay characters for the subsequent TV show, there is still plenty here for gay audiences.

Also, the early 90s soundtrack is great. When the first band listed on the cassette tape is C + C Music Factory, you know your ears are about to have a party.