BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB

               
BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB

As a semi-serious fan of old school Hammer, I thought I'd seen all of their Mummy movies. Never my favorite franchise, but always better than average, the Hammer Mummy films were chock-full of half-naked Egyptians and a fair amount of suspense.

So it came as a complete surprise to me when I saw this movie, and the titular "mummy" ended up being a beautiful devil-woman with a severed hand. Yeah, apparently I'd never seen this one, because that didn't seem familiar at all. And it's a good thing, too, because it would've probably scared me away from the earlier, better films. Case-in-point: within the first five minutes, there's a sandstorm that somehow has the magical ability to slash people's throats. Why not!

Anyway, my viewing experience included a lot of getting up and down and pausing for bathroom breaks. A lot. So I don't feel comfortable writing anything lengthy about this film. I will say, though, that this is not one of Hammer's top-tier efforts. But at least they had enough money for their crawling-artificial-hand budget.

AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE

     
Amityville Dollhouse
1996
  

Tagline: The biggest name in horror comes home. (What?)

    

Starring Kalabar from Disney’s Halloweentown. That’s about it. And it took me literally the entire movie to figure out where I knew him from.

    

     

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Basically the same nonsense from all the Amityville sequels: supporting characters die but the family is more-or-less safe. Everyone thinks the dad is going crazy. The house blows up at the end.
      
The difference here is that the magic dollhouse of the title is to blame, and it can summon demons, giant rats, and previously dead relatives. Also, the family’s younger son is a creepy little whiner whose only friend is a pet rat. Remember when I said that no one in the core family gets murdered? Well, sometimes that’s not a good thing.
   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

The mid-90s was a wonderland of random direct-to-video sequels to semi-popular horror films. Some were fun (Leprechaun 2, 3, and 4), some were painful (Children of the Corn 5), and some involved an evil dollhouse that summoned dead people.
    

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The older son has a shirtless make-out session with his girlfriend. It’s fairly steamy, until the girlfriend basically gets eaten by the fireplace. It’s kind of a mood-killer.
     

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The zombie dad was pretty great, in a Pet Semetary 2 kind of way, and the burn victim girlfriend was effective. (Seriously, do NOT date someone who lives in a haunted house.) But the coolest scene is when the teen son gets an earful of mosquito. It was like that scene in Wrath of Khan, but with a more realistic fake ear. Gloopy goodness.
        

FINAL THOUGHTS:

After watching Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (which is a slightly lamer title than Dollhouse), I’ve decided that this sequel is just as bad, if slightly less inconsequential. As always, there are plenty of dry patches, and the climax is a little rushed (Look! A demon! Okay, let’s leave.) But it’s charming in a bone-headed way, and the scene with the giant rat was adorable.

DRACULA 2: ASCENSION

STATS:

Dracula II: Ascension

2003

Directed by Patrick Lussier (Drive Angry! My Bloody Valentine 3D!)

        

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

                                        

It’s my strong hand.

   

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’m a fan of the cheesy original, starring Gerard Butler as a too-screamy Dracula and Vitamin C as a look-this-was-filmed-in-the-late-90s vampire bride. This one, however, has none of that. But the leads are uniformly hot and the story looks basic and diverting.

   

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

We have the always welcome Jason Scott Lee (Lilo and Stitch, Ghoulies III, that Jungle Book live-action movie from the 90s) as a bad-ass action priest, which is the best kind of priest. We also have one of the London twins (I didn’t care enough to Google which one, because they are, in fact, twins), and this was filmed pre-bloat, apparently.

      

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Where, there is blood. Lots of blood. So drink up!

    

Heeeeyyyy you guuuyyyyssss!

         

FINAL THOUGHTS?

Not bad. It’s not the time capsule awesomeness of the original (Did I mention Vitamin C?), but it’s a fun, actiony movie taking place mostly in an old abandoned castle. The first movie was in New Orleans, I believe, but the characters in this one apparently drove from there to Romania. Or at least they traveled by map, Muppet-style!

Filmed at Grey Gardens.

    

Anyway, a solid, entertaining film, though not solid enough to bring me back for Dracula 3: Chipwrecked.

GATE 2: TRESPASSERS

I’m a huge fan of The Gate. I always have been. Any movie with hordes of stop-motion mini-creatures invading late-80s suburbia is right up my alley. I like Gremlins, and I love Ghoulies, and I tolerate Munchies. Plus, it had a young Stephen Dorff, the pocket hunk from Blade, back when he was a little kid with the exact same head as his adult version. Oh yeah, The Gate was a fun ride.

So I was always curious about The Gate 2. I enjoy tracking down little-seen, little-loved sequels to horror classics (Fright Night 2: The Squeakquel), and there are fewer movies less seen and less loved than this one. It was one of the few films, along with Saturday the 14th and The Bermuda Depths, that I regularly looked for on Netflix Instant. But when Netflix failed me, Youtube delivered. Check out all ten parts of this movie as soon as possible; otherwise you just might miss it.

Gate 2 is totally Dorff-less, and instead focuses on his creepy William Finley-looking best friend who tries to open the same gate and unleash a bunch of demons because his dad is alcoholic or something. There’s also an unearned romance with Pamela Segall, because there has to be a romance, right? I’m not going to focus too much on the story, because it feels like a lame version of the original, and comes across as centerless and weirdly short, even though its runtime is roughly the same as the original. (Such is the power of Dorff, I guess.) I will say that the goofy mini-creatures are back, and the effects are still a lot of fun, and there is the added twist of our main characters crossing over into the other side. (In this movie, WE are the Trespassers. Apparently.) But all that adds up to a competent, enjoyable ride that you’ll probably forget in the near future.

I would like to mention, though, that I experienced a very specific thrill watching this movie that I didn’t understand at first. As the credits began, I was genuinely excited about what would happen next. And even when the reality of this movie slowly deflated my excitement, there was still something there, thudding away in my little fanboy heart. Long after the movie was over, I finally figured out what that feeling was: the excitement of tracking down a rare movie. In the post-Netflix age, there really isn’t such a thing as rarity anymore. Everything is at your fingertips, and everything is equal. That’s definitely a good thing. But at the same time, it’s not. Without the need to track something down, to stumble across the rare VHS or DVD in some bargain bin, nothing feels special anymore. Not in the way it used to. Tracking down this movie somehow made it more special to me, even though the movie itself was underwhelming and passable. I have a feeling this will be one of the last movies that gives me that kind of thrill. And for that, I definitely treasure my Gate 2 experience.

LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III

STATS:

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

1990

Directed by Jeff Burr

Starring Viggo Mortensen (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Leatherface kills a bunch of people by the side of the road. Hilarity ensues.

WHAT YOU SAY?

There’s road kill all over Texas.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is sort of the forgotten sequel in the original Chainsaw series. It’s not the original, obviously. It’s not known as the funny one. And it’s not the god awful one that nearly derailed Rene Zelwegger's career before it even started. It’s just that other one, the one in the middle that has Viggo Mortensen in it, but no one can remember what happens.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Sure, it’s graphic. This whole series is. But a lot of the violence is so quick and badly lit, it was hard to even keep track of who was still alive and who wasn’t. Not much of a ringing endorsement, huh?

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

I’m not an expert on chainsaws, but I don’t think they’d still be running as they slowly sink into a lake. Just saying.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

There’s a reason this movie is a footnote in the franchise. After watching it two days ago, I honestly don’t remember most of what happens. I remember the gas station craziness at the beginning, and the roadkill, and the big fight at the end. But whole chunks of this movie just aren’t that memorable. Say what you want about the wacky antics of part two; at least that movie sticks with you. After sitting through this one, I feel like I’ve just watched the original over again, but I was slightly drunk at the time.

HOUSE 2: The Second Story

House II: The Second Story is a big, overstuffed mess of a movie with at least two plot threads too many, but holy crap is it fun to watch. It basically takes the story and tone of the first House, and adds a bunch more wackiness. It also gets rid of the weird tonal shifts that the first one had (like all those cheesy Vietnam flashbacks). When you think of horror-comedies, you think of movies like this.

Let’s start a checklist of why this movie is a fun experience.

1. First, we have the house itself, which seems much creepier and more Baroque than the first house. One of its rooms is actually a prehistoric jungle, so you know it has some serious square footage.

2. We have our requisite Cheers castmember making the rounds. In the first one, it was George Wendt. In this one, we get Pixar fave John Ratzenberger, who is clearly having a ball.

 

3. We get Amy (Problem Child) Yasbeck in a completely unnecessary role of a pop star wannabe. Why is this storyline even in the movie? No idea. But it’s always good to see Ms. Yasbeck outside of that damn airport.

4. Bill Maher tries to act. Sure, the character of the slimy music agent really fits him, but what’s really cool is the novelty of watching Bill Maher slum it up in a low-budget horror comedy.

5. Royal Dano as a cowboy zombie adjusting to live in Reagan’s America. His cluelessness and regret are alternately funny and touching. And that make-up is very, very good.

6. And finally, this film involves a whole host of weird puppets, including this little guy clutching a magic crystal skull in its beak. You heard me correctly: a magic crystal skull. This is by far the greatest movie involving a magic crystal skull. (Though, admittedly, there isn’t much competition.)

Will you ever get scared by watching this movie? Probably not. Will you laugh out loud? Maybe. But you’ll definitely grin all the way through. And isn’t that a good enough reason to watch?

LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD

MYTHOLOGY: No magic flute. Not a lot of crazy powers. Just gold, near-invincibility, and super-strength (for his size anyway). This is a stripped down Leprechaun, and I appreciated the change from the last film.

Also, we get a little explanation about the other leprechauns. Apparently, this guy is the last of his kind. Which is for the best, apparently.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Someone gets stabbed by a bong. Bong water turns red with blood. How come no other movie has thought of this before?

VERDICT: This is perhaps the most inept movie in the series, and it’s no surprise that they stopped with this one, but holy crap is it more fun than the previous installment. It adds some necessary physical comedy (pot-related, of course), and the main characters actually have some real-world issues besides “I want to be a rapper, maybe.” I think this installment definitely gets a bad rap. But it’s soundtrack is filled with bad rap, so I guess it’s fitting.

LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

MYTHOLOGY: The magic necklace that turns the Leprechaun into stone is back. (Last seen in part 3.) The Leprechaun now has a magic flute. He is also stronger than in previous installments, controlling people’s minds and making their hearts explode.

WORST DEATH SCENE: Anything involving the transsexual character is mean-spirited and depressing. Not cool, Leprechaun. Not cool.

BEST SONG: This movie ends on a serious high note as the surprisingly victorious title character raps. Lep in the hood come to do no good! It’s not exactly Tupac, but whatever.

VERDICT: My least favorite installment in the series. I didn’t enjoy watching this movie, even if individual scenes are fun and clever. The acting was passible, and the Coolio cameo was the most random thing to ever happen in this series, but the trouble-making, anarchic vibe of the previous installments in mostly lacking.

Then again, the rap number…

LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE

MYTHOLOGY: The Leprechaun is a space creature now. He can transport his soul through urine. By this point in the series, they aren’t even trying for consistency anymore.

BEST DEATH SCENE: The Leprechaun popping out of the guy’s crotch was at least unusual. And the assistant getting his head into a pizza was as Looney Tunes as you could get.

VERDICT: This movie is exactly what you’d expect from the title. It is stupid and nonsensical and proud of it. Like the others, this one is fun almost all the way through. My main gripe is that the climax involves a completely unnecessary mutant spider. Why? We don’t need the extra complication. A space-leprechaun is crazy enough.

LEPRECHAUN 3

MYTHOLOGY: Leprechaun bites will give you Leprechaun magic. A necklace can turn the Leprechaun into a statue. Leprechauns are all about dirty limericks, apparently.

BEST DEATH SCENE: The magician getting sawed in half. That’s as old as they come, but seriously… so, so good. The topless television robot lady was good too.

VERDICT: The funniest out of the entire franchise. Coming from someone who has been to the Vegas strip several times, this film’s depiction of Las Vegas is almost 100% BS, but so what? The jokes are dirty, the main character is dorky-cute, and the murder scenes are consistently insane.

LEPRECHAUN 2

MYTHOLOGY: Doesn’t like certain kinds of metal. Obsessed with finding a wife. Really, really old.

BEST MAKE-OUT SCENE: The leprechaun licks his new wife on the face. That’s how Irishmen say hello. Best tongue scene since Freddy Krueger in Nightmare 1.

VERDICT: I frequently skip over this one in my re-viewing habits, but it’s just as funny, goofy, and scary as the first one. Warwick Davis seems to be having the time of his life, even if the other actors are uniformly awful.

The LA setting is actually an improvement over the single barn from part one, expanding the scope of the story and making everything feel more important somehow. (Sort of like the change in epic-ness from Critters 1 to Critters 2 or Alien to Aliens.)

The Leprechaun-finding-a-wife storyline was cheesy fun, but I’m glad they dropped it for future installments. I’d rather not think about the mechanics of that situation.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

CANDYMAN 2 AND 3

Ever experienced déjà vu? Me neither. No matter what The Matrix tells you, déjà vu is pretty much BS. That said, the moment I stuck Candyman 3 into my VCR, I had the distinct feeling of déjà vu. I'd never seen this film before, and yet I knew exactly what was going to happen beforehand. Was I in a time loop? Nope. I'd just seen Candyman 2.

CRITTERS 2: The Main Course

Critters 2: The Main Course is my all-time favorite Critters movie, which is like calling someone the World's Tallest Midget. This entire series is built around one basic question: How much money can we make ripping off Gremlins?

Answer: more than these jackasses.

These movies are not good. And yet, every one of them (even the installment that Leonard DiCaprio has tried to destroy every copy of) is so, so much fun to watch. This one, number 2, is probably the most fun. Exhibit A: A man wearing a bunny costume gets eaten alive from the inside out and his dying body stumbles into a church full of families. God bless America.

And let us take a moment to honor Eddie Deezen, otherwise known as this guy:

Eddie here is one of the few actors to appear in both Grease and Grease 2: The Squeakquel. He is such a bright spot in some horrid films, and here, he just knocks it out of the park.

Also, there is a truly great Freddy Krueger cameo. And as you all know, a little Freddy goes a long way.

All-in-all, this film is much more of a comedy than the first one, especially once all the critters morph together into a giant ball of critter. They are like real-life Pokemon, and that is surely a scary thought. Please watch.

Or else...



GINGERDEAD MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST

STATS:

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust

2008

Directed by: Silvia St. Croix (a female director!)

Written by: William Butler, Muffy Bolding (the killer from April Fool's Day), and Aaron Strongoni

Starring: Not Gary Busey

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Gingerdead Man is back for some reason and goes nuts at a movie studio. He makes food puns, kills a bunch of people, and humps a puppet. Then he gets crucified.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“This is gonna be a f#$%ing cake-walk.”

“It’s time to send you back to Hell…’s Kitchen.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Aside from having one of the greatest subtitles in the history of filmdom…

…which it totally earns, by the way…

Gingerdead Man 2 is a prime example of latter-day Full Moon videos. It’s full of puppets and gory murders, but it’s also very self-effacing. The film takes places at Cheatum Studios, which is a low-rent direct-to-video company much like Full Moon. Its main franchise is a Puppetmaster rip-off, subbing Leech Woman and The Jester for creatures like “Shit-for-Brains” and “The Haunted Dildo.” It is a pretty brutal statement on the quality of these films.

From a gay standpoint, it has a well-known David DeCoteau cameo, and some clever winks to the gay horror fans out there.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

There’s some male beefcake (particularly in the Decoteau scene), but a lot more emphasis on women. However, the film has a pronounced affinity for plus-sizes.

Which is weirdly progressive, I guess.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Limbs are hacked off, eyes dangle, and the killer cookie impales two people with one meat cleaver (which is physically impossible, but slightly more realistic than when he drove a car in part one). There’s also a lot of fake-poop-splatter.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Honestly, I thought this film would be smooth sailing. I thought that with the involvement of DeCoteau (and other horror “celebrities” like John Buechler and Adam Green), the film would be wholesome, inclusive horror. I didn’t expect a prancing queen who gets raped and murdered by a curling iron… and likes it.

No other gay-positive scenes can atone for that mean-spirited murder. The Gingerdead Man calls the character a “creampuff,” a “fruitcake,” and a few other pastry-related puns, and he takes more delight in murdering him than any of the straight victims. It’s not in good fun like the other murders. I have to give this two Pat Robertsons.

 

WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL

STATS:

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

2001

Director: Chris Angel [insert stupid joke that references Mindfreak]

Writer: Peter Atkins [insert joke about eating meat or carb-free diets or something]

Starring: John Novak, A.J. Cook, Tobias Mehler

WHA’ HAPPENED?

An angsty college student accidentally summons an evil genie who kills a bunch of people. The genie needs her to ask for three wishes because he wants to be set free so he can… kill a bunch of people. It’s a paradox. And by paradox, I mean “bad writing.”

Terrifying, no? Just wait till he

busts out his Julia Child impression.

To try to stop him, the girl wishes for the most practical thing she can think of: she wishes that her boyfriend would turn into a warrior angel. Yes, my friends, it’s another paradox. The two defeat the genie, but not before they both die. But then they don’t, because this movie is stupid. Paradox.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“It’s like an evil Aladdin’s lamp.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned a movie that I actively despise, so… here you go.

Actually, this isn’t a hateful film. It’s a Canadian-made horror sequel to a minor hit from the 1990s. It’s as good as you’d expect. Also, from what I could tell from InternetLand, this film has absolutely zero fans.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Our hero is this guy…

playing with sword

…who’s cute in a Canadian sort of way. He’s actually from the Yukon. And he was in the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Movie.

No nakedness, though. It gets pretty cold up North.

I take that back. We get two Canadians rolling around by a Canadian fire. Maple syrup and hockey might have been involved.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

All wish-related. All stupid. In one scene, the genie tries to get a bunch of lab rats to gnaw a side character’s face off. I guess the spell failed, because all those stupid rats could do was smear bad make up effects on her lips. Stupid rats.

Also, a couple people fall off a building, not in a parkour sort of way. Mostly in a low-rent stuntman sort of way.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Did we really need a warrior angel in this?

Yeah. Why not?

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not even tangentially. This film has no gay supporting characters and barely any straight romance either. It’s just a minor story where four or five characters wander around a college campus and possibly die after wishing for stupid things at the exact worst time.

This film is two John Waynes and an Alan Thicke (because of the Canadian thing).

Frederick Krueger, Esquire

Hellooooooooooo.

I have had my first blog topic request (WHAT WHAT!). That’s right, gentlemen and gentlemen, my first fan has come out of the woodwork to say how much I need to be funnier and also less not ungrammatical. And the request: Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.

Does that bird symbolize something?

I could write a really long, really bad thesis on the homoeroticism of this film, or I could direct you toward this film, one of the greatest documentaries of all time. Not only does Never Sleep Again cover all of the Nightmare films in great detail, but it spends a hilarious few minutes discussing the accidental-slash-not-accidental gayness in this film. At times, it almost delves into I Love the 80s territory.

And then the balls come flying… I made a funny.

Furthermore, Cracked.com, one of the oldest and most reputable sources of random online countdowns, has a list of the most unintentionally gay horror movies.

Including The Covenant, which is so very, very shirtless.

I’ve made an executive decision not to review any of these films, because these people have done a much better job at mocking them than I ever could.

Or I could let you watch the movie yourself

and make your own jokes about balls.

So thanks, Nameless Fan, for the suggestion, but I’m deferring to the experts on this one. (It is really gay, though.)

To thank you for your comment, I will gladly review another installment in the Freddy saga: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (aka The One with Tom Arnold and a Frying Pan). Trust me, it’ll be good.

Balls.