CRITTERS

I'm not sure what country this poster is from...

but apparently Critters is a word in their language.

The Critters franchise has an interesting relationship with Titanic (the movie, not the ill-fated vessel, though I have seen part four, so maybe it has a little in common with the ill-fated vessel). As you are already aware, the third installment introduces Leonardo DiCaprio to the movie-going public. And now this film, which stars the red-haired doctor from latter-day ER, introduces the career of Titanic villain Billy Zane back before he looked like an evil genie. (Seriously. Google this man.) I'm half-expecting to see a Celine Dion cameo in Critters 2 where she pounds her chest and acts all Canadian.

Aside from that strange coincidence, I would like to say that this movie is a lot of fun. Mr. Zane offers some much-needed beefcake while rolling around in a barn, and the proceedings are campy enough to keep the gay kids happy. Is it on the level of Gremlins? Nope. Ghoulies? Sure. Munchies? Naw, this is waaay above Munchies. But when viewing the weird mini-genre of 80s-era horror-comedies about little creatures that attack small towns, this is definitely one of the most fun installments. (It also continues the Gremlins tradition of having a young kid be best friends with a fully grown adult male, just because. That's not a knock against the film; it's just a weird little trend.)

Check this out. It's a cozy little blast of cheese. And yeah, that was a weirdly phrased sentence.

CRITTERS 4

Dear Horror Movies,

Why do you send your characters into space during the fourth installment? I'm talking to you, Critters, Leprechaun, and Hellraiser. Your first two installments are the best. And your third, while not as good, adds some new blood into the equation by changing the setting to the big city. But your fourth installment decides to throw up its hands and shout, "You know what? Space? Why not?"

Now, this is not a letter of complaint. I am a fan of all of these franchises. And in the case of Leprechaun and Hellraiser, the fourth film is certainly not the worst in the series. But I'm just wondering, did the three of you get together and decide to screw with us? Did Pinhead call an executive meeting and brainstorm ideas about where to go with number 4? "Cancun, the North Pole, summer camp... Nah. Let's try space? That's the ticket!"

I can't think of anything as weirdly specific as this trend. And I can only imagine how other franchises would manage the same premise (Sleepaway Camp, Saw, The Howling). Just the thought of The Howling in Space gives me goosebumps. (In space, no one can hear you howl.) They could have it take place on the moon, and then werewolves would constantly be in their wolf forms. Also, they'd fight astronauts. And maybe there would be a giant space spider like in Leprechaun 4.

So, thanks, Hellraiser, Critters, and Leprechaun for planting that idea in my head. Now I can't unthink it.

Sincerely,

LGBTerror

CRITTERS 2: The Main Course

Critters 2: The Main Course is my all-time favorite Critters movie, which is like calling someone the World's Tallest Midget. This entire series is built around one basic question: How much money can we make ripping off Gremlins?

Answer: more than these jackasses.

These movies are not good. And yet, every one of them (even the installment that Leonard DiCaprio has tried to destroy every copy of) is so, so much fun to watch. This one, number 2, is probably the most fun. Exhibit A: A man wearing a bunny costume gets eaten alive from the inside out and his dying body stumbles into a church full of families. God bless America.

And let us take a moment to honor Eddie Deezen, otherwise known as this guy:

Eddie here is one of the few actors to appear in both Grease and Grease 2: The Squeakquel. He is such a bright spot in some horrid films, and here, he just knocks it out of the park.

Also, there is a truly great Freddy Krueger cameo. And as you all know, a little Freddy goes a long way.

All-in-all, this film is much more of a comedy than the first one, especially once all the critters morph together into a giant ball of critter. They are like real-life Pokemon, and that is surely a scary thought. Please watch.

Or else...