THE DARKEST HOUR

For a movie about the world ending by massive alien-based slaughter, this movie is laughably bloodless. I guess that comes from the premise: alien balls of electricity take over the world by zapping humans into ashes. No carnage. No gore. Just PG-13 ash murder.

This is not a complaint, though. The movie is fast and enjoyable enough that I really got into the rhythm of run-hide-zap-scream-motivational-speech. The dialogue is pretty dire (one climactic speech outside a submarine is particularly painful), but that never really mattered to me. The best fwiends drama between the two male leads was also half-baked, but thankfully so, because who comes into a movie like this wanting to spend half the run-time watching two guys bicker about a failed business venture!

As I write this, I realize that this does not sound like a ringing endorsement... and it really isnt. This film is bad in a bland, forgettable way. But I will say that, if in the right mindset, you can wring a few moments of enjoyment out of it. But ignore the speeches. God damn those are awful.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #7 to watch Night of the Creeps:
I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.
What’s the bad news?
They’re dead.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #12 to watch Night of the Creeps: It stars Robyn Lively's brother.

LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE

MYTHOLOGY: The Leprechaun is a space creature now. He can transport his soul through urine. By this point in the series, they aren’t even trying for consistency anymore.

BEST DEATH SCENE: The Leprechaun popping out of the guy’s crotch was at least unusual. And the assistant getting his head into a pizza was as Looney Tunes as you could get.

VERDICT: This movie is exactly what you’d expect from the title. It is stupid and nonsensical and proud of it. Like the others, this one is fun almost all the way through. My main gripe is that the climax involves a completely unnecessary mutant spider. Why? We don’t need the extra complication. A space-leprechaun is crazy enough.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #39 to watch Night of the Creeps: It has, like, four different beginnings that are completely unrelated to anything that happens in the actual movie. Is it about urban legends? Stumpy little alien beings? No and no.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #17 to watch Night of the Creeps: It doesn't know what genre it is. Sci-fi? Comedy? Horror? Romance? Afterschool special? It's all of the above in a big, gloopy blender.

SLITHER

Is Slither a horror film? No. And I think that's why it wasn't as popular as it should've been. This is firmly in the comedy zone, even moreso than its spiritual ancestor Night of the Creeps. It doesn't attempt to be scary or atmospheric. But it rises above the Scary Movie 4 School of Suckage by taking its characters seriously and raising the stakes in a natural, believable way. You care about these people, even the reprehensible ones, and you want to know what happens to them. And by "you," I mean "me," because I have no idea if you have the same sensibilities as I do.

Which explains the other reason why this film was a big ol' flop: the target audience must be really really low. Sure, horror fans are a vocal bunch, and when we want to, we go to the movies in droves. But horror-comedy fans come from a slightly narrower bracket, because this implies that you're a horror fan, but that you don't absolutely HAVE to have shocks or suspense to have a good time. It's like finding a rollercoaster fan who likes riding them for the heights. I am a huge supporter of horror-comedies, but I understand why so many people aren't. It's a specific style, and you gotta be on the right wavelength. And by "you," I mean "you" this time. Go see Slither.

No reason to use this picture. I just enjoy the undertones.

CRITTERS

I'm not sure what country this poster is from...

but apparently Critters is a word in their language.

The Critters franchise has an interesting relationship with Titanic (the movie, not the ill-fated vessel, though I have seen part four, so maybe it has a little in common with the ill-fated vessel). As you are already aware, the third installment introduces Leonardo DiCaprio to the movie-going public. And now this film, which stars the red-haired doctor from latter-day ER, introduces the career of Titanic villain Billy Zane back before he looked like an evil genie. (Seriously. Google this man.) I'm half-expecting to see a Celine Dion cameo in Critters 2 where she pounds her chest and acts all Canadian.

Aside from that strange coincidence, I would like to say that this movie is a lot of fun. Mr. Zane offers some much-needed beefcake while rolling around in a barn, and the proceedings are campy enough to keep the gay kids happy. Is it on the level of Gremlins? Nope. Ghoulies? Sure. Munchies? Naw, this is waaay above Munchies. But when viewing the weird mini-genre of 80s-era horror-comedies about little creatures that attack small towns, this is definitely one of the most fun installments. (It also continues the Gremlins tradition of having a young kid be best friends with a fully grown adult male, just because. That's not a knock against the film; it's just a weird little trend.)

Check this out. It's a cozy little blast of cheese. And yeah, that was a weirdly phrased sentence.

CRITTERS 3

Here's a fun fact that many of my readers might not know. I'm actually Leonardo DiCaprio. I get tired of making award-winning movies and talking to other famous people about global warming, so I write this gay-themed horror blog to unwind.

The second thing you might not know about me is that I got my start pre-What's-Eating-Gilbert-Grape by starring in Critters 3, otherwise known as the second sequel to a Gremlins-ripoff that no one remembers. From there, I transitioned into more legit movies, such as The Aviator and The Beach and the upcoming J. Edgar.

Now, if you are a Leonardo DiCaprio fan, then you should probably stay away from this horrid, horrid film. If you are a Leonardo DiCaprio SUPER-fan, however, then please watch me get my start in the biz. It's sort of like witnessing a really uncomfortable-looking childbirth, only the child is my career and the birth is this film, and the vagina is cinema, I guess.

CRITTERS 4

Dear Horror Movies,

Why do you send your characters into space during the fourth installment? I'm talking to you, Critters, Leprechaun, and Hellraiser. Your first two installments are the best. And your third, while not as good, adds some new blood into the equation by changing the setting to the big city. But your fourth installment decides to throw up its hands and shout, "You know what? Space? Why not?"

Now, this is not a letter of complaint. I am a fan of all of these franchises. And in the case of Leprechaun and Hellraiser, the fourth film is certainly not the worst in the series. But I'm just wondering, did the three of you get together and decide to screw with us? Did Pinhead call an executive meeting and brainstorm ideas about where to go with number 4? "Cancun, the North Pole, summer camp... Nah. Let's try space? That's the ticket!"

I can't think of anything as weirdly specific as this trend. And I can only imagine how other franchises would manage the same premise (Sleepaway Camp, Saw, The Howling). Just the thought of The Howling in Space gives me goosebumps. (In space, no one can hear you howl.) They could have it take place on the moon, and then werewolves would constantly be in their wolf forms. Also, they'd fight astronauts. And maybe there would be a giant space spider like in Leprechaun 4.

So, thanks, Hellraiser, Critters, and Leprechaun for planting that idea in my head. Now I can't unthink it.

Sincerely,

LGBTerror

THE THING

The brand-spanking new remake/prequel/future-pile-of-money The Thing 2: Die! Darkman! Die! is coming out soon. The trailers have been all over the place, and they look pretty awesome. Sure, it will probably rely too much on CGI, and it also looks like it errs on the side of action over horror… But a crappy Thing is still better than no Thing at all. (Maybe. Ask the Cat in the Hat.) So despite all my reservations, I will be at the premiere with bells on… Because I really want to make loud jingling noises that disrupt the movie-going experience.

That said, there is no way this film is going to outdo the original. There is just no way. The original is one of the most perfect movies I’ve ever seen. And I’m always wary of remakes, because I’m afraid that even if they’re good, they will erase the original’s memory from future generations, and I do not want that happening. So please rewatch this film as often as you can, especially now that the new one is coming out. It’s your duty.

SKYLINE

STATS:

Skyline

2010

Directed by The Brothers Strause

Written by Joshua Cordes and Liam O’Donnell

Starring Eric Balfour and Donald Faison

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Aliens attack all the cities of the Earth (I think) through giant beams of blue light that zap people up into their spaceships. The aliens look like tripods and they eat brains. The ending didn’t make sense, but Im not interested enough to google exactly what happened. Something about Eric Balfour having a glowing red brain that turns him into an alien, but a good one. And he gets to save his pregnant girlfriend or something. It is Shakespearean.

Also, very well-acted. Lots of blank gazes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film was made on the cheap by the special effects guys behind Battle: LA, another recent sci-fi misfire. Apparently, they were able to piggy-back off the effects from the bigger budget film, so they made an entirely separate movie with an entirely different plot. This one is about aliens battling in LA instead of… well, maybe it is the same movie. Either way, that backstory intrigued me for some reason.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Donald Faison walks around missing his shirt.

He is also missing Zach Braff, so I am not complaining.

Eric Balfour, however, is fully clothed the entire time. God damn you, wife-beater.

I mean the shirt, not the fact that this guy literally beats

his wife, because that would be a wholly different film.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

People get eaten by aliens. Big whoop. My favorite scene is when our hero pummels a giant alien to death with his fists and a brick. (No screen-cap, though. The picture would be entirely too awesome.)

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I wish the ending wasn’t god-awful. And I wish the glowing alien lights had the power to zap off wife-beaters. That would be nice. Maybe for the sequel that will never, ever happen.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Nope. But it’s harmless. And Eric Balfour and his facial  hair always remind me of a sexy, sexy genie.

What did I say about blank gazes?

Super 8

STATS:

Super 8

2011

Written and Directed by J. J. Abrams

Starring Elle Fanning and her 70s hair.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

[CLASSIFIED]

WHAT YOU SAY?

This film has a refreshing number of minor swear words for a family movie. It’s The Goonies all over again.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been hearing about this mysterious movie for months now, and while no one knew exactly what it was about, everyone kept using the word “Spielbergian.” Oh, it’s so Spielbergian. The kids are Spielbergian. People who didn’t even know what that word means overused it like Stephenie Meyer overuses adverbs. Immensely.

By the time it finally hit theaters last week, I was convinced that it was about a whip-carrying shark who makes friends with a friendly alien on a slave ship that crash lands onto dinosaur island while Robin Williams flies around with a robot version of the little kid from the Sixth Sense. That’s how Spielbergian I thought it was.

A dark-haired boy gazes up at a mysterious alien light.

We all know what Spielberg movie this is from. Munich.

And while Spielberg isn’t the most gay-inclusive director in Hollywood, he’s consistently entertaining. So I had to check it out. And then I had to write about it, because I kept thinking about all these great Spielberg jokes like Stephenie Meyer thinks about adverbs. Seriously.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This film does not shy away from death and blood, though no kids die. Just adults, because that’s how life is and God bless America.

This guy got hit by a train, but he

looks pretty okay. And he has gun.

I won’t spoil anything about the horrible alien creature that kills people and hangs their bodies upside-down in his lair. Did I say alien creature? I meant Earth-animal. And did I say kills? I meant nuzzles. And did I say bodies? I meant… Earth-bodies. Crap.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

What’s with all the camera flare? Hasn’t this J. J. Abrams fellow directed anything before?

So the big secret of this film is that the

kids can shoot blue lights from their eyes.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, it does have the kid from 7^th Heaven all grown up and made to look like a 70s-era stoner.

I assume he has a gay fan base. I don’t really know where that assumption comes from, but I’m just throwing that out there.

Aside from that, there is nothing gay about this film. It’s about a bunch of teen outcasts, blooming love, and alien encounters that are fun for the whole family. It’s a wonderfully made, wonderfully acted movie that I would highly recommend. It’s beautiful; it’s just not gay. For that reason, I’ll give this two Rob Lowes.