SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Ray Bradbury is a genius. I’ve read several of his books, and while I appreciate his stories more than I actively enjoy them, he does know his way around some killer concepts: the idea of a dark carnival is quite bad-ass, indeed.

I have not read the story this movie was based on, but I used to catch it on the Disney Channel every year around Halloween time. They don’t play it so much, mostly to give extra time to wacky sitcoms. But also because HOLY CRAP this movie is terrifying. The spider lady, the aging backwards, the showdown in the library, the amputee footballer, the horrible parades… Watching this movie is like watching a perfect old-timey town slowly being taken over by something dark and horrible. The story doesn’t always fit together, and plot points crash into each other without the slightest bit of connective tissue (…uh, something, something lightning rods…). But coherence is overrated, and this film succeeds in being creepy as hell. Check it out the next time it’s on TV. You’d be surprised what they could get away with in a kid’s movie. There isn’t anything overtly gory or gross, but the tone is creepy and curdled and so, so good.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Ghost of a Chance

A while back, I discussed a Halloween episode of Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, that classic late-80s, early-90s staple of Disney Afternoon. Today I want to talk about its companion episode. And by companion, I mean it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, except a Halloween theme and a pair of crime-solving rodents. In this installment, Chip and Dale meet a ghost mouse and help him move on to the afterlife. It is a lot like an episode of Ghost Whisperer, except without Jennifer Love Hewitt, her boobs, or whispering.

Much of the run-time of this episode is spent with the main characters wandering around a big spooky castle while eyes in paintings look at them. Or look in totally different directions. Whichever.

Because this is an episode of Chip and Dale, everything can be blamed on Fat Cat, the resident baddy. (Everything except the mouse ghost and his mouse death, which has nothing to do with him.) Fat Cat is after some random treasure, by the way. He does that a lot.

The only thrills and chills of the episode come courtesy of the red-eyed cat monster that wanders the castle grounds. Note the zipper lines. Also note the button, unless he has some kind of ghost cat skin cancer.

I would definitely recommend this episode as an example of what Chip and Dale has to offer: a simple, child friendly mystery interspersed with action, one-lines, and pratfalls. The mouse guillotine is just a bonus.

SPOILER ALERT: they do not get beheaded.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Pound of the Baskervilles

I am a huge fan of Disney Afternoon. This childrens programming block from the early 90s churned out some of the best television animation of the era. Ducktales. Darkwing Duck. Bonkers. Goof Troop. TaleSpin. Gummi Bears. And of course Chip N Dale: Rescue Rangers.

Chip N Dale was an adventure series that reimagined the titular rodents as members of an elite animal team that fought for justice rather than those awful creatures that tormented Donald Duck every Christmas season. The stories were simple, but they always moved at a fast clip and used a heavy dose of family-friendly humor. There is also a certain kick that comes from watching little creatures use everyday objects in clever new ways. Call it the Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids syndrome.

Today, we are talking about Pound of the Baskervilles, a Halloween episode that takes the basic idea of the Sherlock Holmes story and adds talking mice. (Yeah, yeah. I know Chip and Dale are chipmunks. I was talking about Gadget and Monterey Jack.)

This episode meant a lot to me growing up, because it was terrifying. And by terrifying, I mean there was a red-eyed ghost dog craving human flesh.

...And I was officially the worlds biggest coward. Rewatching this now, I finally realize that the real threat was not an imaginary ghost dog, but a conniving uncle out for his inheritance or something. It was this guy:

Remember that face. About half the

human extras in this film look exactly like him.

Looking back on it, the main mystery is extremely easy to solve. Much like your typical Scooby Doo episode, there is exactly one suspect and one red herring. In this case, the guy who did it was... THE SUSPECT! Oh my god!

Like all episodes of this show, justice wins and we end on a laugh.

But rewatching this so many years later is a lot of fun. Seeing what we thought was scary in a totally new light makes us realize how simple life was back that, and how even the most insurmountable problems are probably easier than we think. It is total comfort food, and even though I was certainly not scared, I am glad I sat through it.

Also, the dog sounded like Ringo.

I didnt get the reference as a kid, apparently.

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

STATS:

Something Wicked This Way Comes

1983

Directed by: Jack Clayton (The Innocents)

Written by: Ray Bradbury (a whole bunch of awesomeness)

Starring: Jason Robards (that douche from Philadelphia), Jonathan Pryce (Brazil)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

An evil carnival comes to town and does abstractly evil things to people who ride its carousel. There’s also a spider-lady.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“Don’t talk death!”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film is from a dark time in the history of the Disney studios. It scared a bunch of kids and lost a crapload of money.

Normally, that would be enough to draw my attention. But on top of that, I have fond memories of watching this on the Disney Channel around Halloween time. They used to play this every year (along with Hocus Pocus and Frankenstein and Me). I would always catch parts of it and get pretty scared.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Nooooope. The only eye candy is female… and blind… and in the movie for about two minutes… and female.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

There weren’t any murders or gore, but there was genuine terror in this film. Mr. Dark is truly a villain for the ages. He plays with the main characters and taunts them. Just watch the scene where he offers Jason Robards if he wants to wish for youth. His opening offer is for the old man to be 30 again, but the old man refuses. So he offers him 31. Then 32. Then 33. Every time a year passes by, he rips another page from his book. It’s a dramatic, actor-y scene, and it’s freaking harrowing.

The film’s fatal flaw, however, is the completely non-expressive child actors, who sleepwalk through all the horror. There’s a scene where dozens of spiders crawl all over them, and the blonde kid practically yawns. Whenever they’re on screen, it saps the film of any real suspense.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Movie carnivals come in two forms: the romantic comedy version and the horror movie version. One involves a couple bonding over cheap toys and the bright lights of a Ferris wheel. The other involves evil. This film does not have Ferris wheels.

Sadly, this movie does.

Fun fact: During filming, Ray Bradbury got pissed with the director for straying too much from his original story (and for hiring another writer to zhoosh up the script, which… burn). There was a big falling out, but after some bad test screenings, Disney brought Bradbury back to tweak the opening and closing. That’s why we have unnecessary narration that comes out of nowhere.

Stop talking, VOICE. You're ruining the moment.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Look, this is definitely of interest to the horror fan. Even though it was made for family audiences, it’s stylish and freaking scary. (And pretty stupid at times, too. I’m not going to ignore the guy who catches a football with his fakey fake arm stump.) Basically, any “family-friendly” children’s movie from that period is going to be horrifying. (Watcher in the Woods, anyone?)

But is it queer? Nope. It doesn’t celebrate the outsider. It doesn’t challenge gender roles and family dynamics. It has no sense of humor about itself. It’s just a creepy piece of Americana and spiders. For that, I’d give this a Ross Perot on the gayness scale.

TANGLED

Sometimes (but not often) I watch movies that aren’t even tangentially related to horror. Today I saw Disney’s Tangled.

This film is of interest to the gay community because of its Alan Menken showtunes, its strong female lead, and the best animated beefcake since The Little Mermaid’s Prince Eric.

Seriously. It’s the gay man’s Jessica Rabbit.

In addition, the film has a positive message about being yourself and embracing your hidden dreams. Sure, this is the message of pretty much every children’s film I can think of, but it gets bonus points for showing a group of tough surly men who are secretly interested in the arts, romance, and unicorns. It might be played for laughs, but it still comes across as heartfelt. This is a pro-gay film if I’ve ever seen one.