CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Ghost of a Chance

A while back, I discussed a Halloween episode of Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, that classic late-80s, early-90s staple of Disney Afternoon. Today I want to talk about its companion episode. And by companion, I mean it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, except a Halloween theme and a pair of crime-solving rodents. In this installment, Chip and Dale meet a ghost mouse and help him move on to the afterlife. It is a lot like an episode of Ghost Whisperer, except without Jennifer Love Hewitt, her boobs, or whispering.

Much of the run-time of this episode is spent with the main characters wandering around a big spooky castle while eyes in paintings look at them. Or look in totally different directions. Whichever.

Because this is an episode of Chip and Dale, everything can be blamed on Fat Cat, the resident baddy. (Everything except the mouse ghost and his mouse death, which has nothing to do with him.) Fat Cat is after some random treasure, by the way. He does that a lot.

The only thrills and chills of the episode come courtesy of the red-eyed cat monster that wanders the castle grounds. Note the zipper lines. Also note the button, unless he has some kind of ghost cat skin cancer.

I would definitely recommend this episode as an example of what Chip and Dale has to offer: a simple, child friendly mystery interspersed with action, one-lines, and pratfalls. The mouse guillotine is just a bonus.

SPOILER ALERT: they do not get beheaded.

THE POWER WITHIN

THE POWER WITHIN

1995

Directed by Art Camacho

Written by Jacobsen Hart and Scott McAboy

Starring Ted Jan Roberts (from Milk), Karen Valentine and Keith Coogan (from Adventures in Babysitting)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A kid learns to harness his power within (trademark pending) by totally relying on a magic, butt-kicking ring. It would be like a weight-lifter learning to harness his inner strength through steroids.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Big chunks of this movie were filmed at Universal Studios, which was always more interesting than it was boring. It was still a little boring, though, especially the long stretches of time when you watch nameless people ride the rides and enjoy the hell out of them.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

None to speak of. Just a short teenage boy beating people up while everyone looks at him with their mouths agape. I have the sinking feeling this was written by a 12-year-old in crutches.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is a very dumb, low-budget endeavor, but the preteen nerd in all will undoubtedly find him- or herself cheering on the protagonist as he beats up random people. It is the simple things in life.

Half of the budget.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Nope. Not at all. But it does feature a main character from the Fox hit Glee.

Coach Bieste.

THE GUARDIAN

If you liked the William Friedkin classic The Exorcist, but wished it included more tree-worshipping murder-druids, then you should watch THE GUARDIAN.

If you want your early 90s horror movies to make no sense and be weirdly anti-environment, then you should watch THE GUARDIAN.

If you like the kind of scary movies where the parents are oblivious and ridiculously dense until the last possible moment, then you should watch THE GUARDIAN.

If you enjoy horror movies that put infant children into mortal danger and leave them stranded in forests, then you should watch THE GUARDIAN.

If you want to see Kevin Costner teach Ashton Kutcher how to be a Coast Guard, then shut the %$#* up and watch something else.

GOBLIN

GOBLIN
2010
Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando
Written by Raul Inglis
Starring Gil Bellows (the brain tumor guy from Ally McBeal)

Goblin is a Syfy Channel movie, meaning it is chock-a-block full of slumming actors, simple plots, and bad CGI-effects. However, the CGI is never obtrusive and distracting—as it often is in movies like Sharktopus—because the titular monster is usually just a creepy figure in a cloak.

Close, but think smaller and cheaper.

Personally, I find this much more effective than seeing the goblin in the flesh, which you do during the film’s truncated climax. Call this the Poltergeist II trap. The entire movie uses a fairly effective villain for most of its run-time, but then turns him into a mass of computer-generated garbage for the last few minutes. It’s disappointing and ill-advised.

Look at this guy. Does he need computer effects?

That said, this film is a pretty effective tale of a small town ravaged by a baby-crazy fairy tale monster. Most of the townspeople act like Pumpkinhead-II-level idiots, but they get the job done. And they get killed a lot, so there’s always that.

PINOCCHIO

PINOCCHIO

Written, produced, directed, and starring Roberto Benigni

Pinocchio is the timeless tale of an innocent puppet who struggles to grow up into a real boy, but he keeps making all the mistakes of childhood. It’s archetypal. It’s a fairy tale. And it’s a story that will never, ever be a good live action movie.

I’m just going to say it right now: Pinocchio is one of the greatest animated films of all time. It’s one of the greatest FILMS of all time. Period. It’s a shining jewel in Disney’s crown. But watching a beautifully animated puppet turn into a donkey and talk to a cricket is adorable. Watching a balding Italian man in his 40s doing the same… well, it’s just creepy.

Life is a-beautiful! I am Italian!

Throughout the movie, he does the same kind of physical schtick that would be cute if he weren’t a 40-year-old man wearing a dunce cap.

If I don’t look at him or acknowledge his existence,

maybe he'll stop trying to act precocious.

Unfortunately, the less people laugh at his antics, the harder Roberto Benigni mugs for the camera. I call that the Robin Williams Guide to Being Insufferable. By the time his closest friend (Topher Grace) turns into a donkey and dies because a farmer works him too hard, I decided that this was the single creepiest, most misguided family film since the last adaptation of Pinocchio that I saw.

So is it gay? God I hope not. On one hand, it’s about an outsider trying to win the respect of his father… but he can’t, because he constantly lapses into childish behavior. That’s basically the plot of at least a dozen gay indie comedies that I’ve not seen but pretended I did. On the other hand, it is really, really irredeemably awful. And not in a campy way. It’s basically the movie equivalent of a creepy uncle who sits at the kids table during family reunions and pretends that he’s seven. So no. That’s not gay. It’s just sad.

Super 8

STATS:

Super 8

2011

Written and Directed by J. J. Abrams

Starring Elle Fanning and her 70s hair.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

[CLASSIFIED]

WHAT YOU SAY?

This film has a refreshing number of minor swear words for a family movie. It’s The Goonies all over again.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been hearing about this mysterious movie for months now, and while no one knew exactly what it was about, everyone kept using the word “Spielbergian.” Oh, it’s so Spielbergian. The kids are Spielbergian. People who didn’t even know what that word means overused it like Stephenie Meyer overuses adverbs. Immensely.

By the time it finally hit theaters last week, I was convinced that it was about a whip-carrying shark who makes friends with a friendly alien on a slave ship that crash lands onto dinosaur island while Robin Williams flies around with a robot version of the little kid from the Sixth Sense. That’s how Spielbergian I thought it was.

A dark-haired boy gazes up at a mysterious alien light.

We all know what Spielberg movie this is from. Munich.

And while Spielberg isn’t the most gay-inclusive director in Hollywood, he’s consistently entertaining. So I had to check it out. And then I had to write about it, because I kept thinking about all these great Spielberg jokes like Stephenie Meyer thinks about adverbs. Seriously.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This film does not shy away from death and blood, though no kids die. Just adults, because that’s how life is and God bless America.

This guy got hit by a train, but he

looks pretty okay. And he has gun.

I won’t spoil anything about the horrible alien creature that kills people and hangs their bodies upside-down in his lair. Did I say alien creature? I meant Earth-animal. And did I say kills? I meant nuzzles. And did I say bodies? I meant… Earth-bodies. Crap.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

What’s with all the camera flare? Hasn’t this J. J. Abrams fellow directed anything before?

So the big secret of this film is that the

kids can shoot blue lights from their eyes.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, it does have the kid from 7^th Heaven all grown up and made to look like a 70s-era stoner.

I assume he has a gay fan base. I don’t really know where that assumption comes from, but I’m just throwing that out there.

Aside from that, there is nothing gay about this film. It’s about a bunch of teen outcasts, blooming love, and alien encounters that are fun for the whole family. It’s a wonderfully made, wonderfully acted movie that I would highly recommend. It’s beautiful; it’s just not gay. For that reason, I’ll give this two Rob Lowes.

The Adventures of Pinocchio

STATS:

The Adventures of Pinocchio

1996

Director: Steve Barron

Writer: a bunch of people

Starring: Martin Landau, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Genevieve Bujold

…Aaaaand freeze-frame jump.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ever seen Disney’s Pinocchio? It’s the same story, minus the Blue Fairy and coherence.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“Hey, Woody. You’re leaking.”

“There are two kinds of lies: lies that have short legs and lies that have a long nose. And yours are clearly the kind that have the long nose.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas has a surprisingly large following for nostalgia-heads who came of age in the 1990s.

Oh lord.

A few of these people even sat through Man of the House.

Look. It shares the twin themes of puppetry and awkwardness. 

Can they sit through a film that stars JTT but only shows him in the flesh for the last two minutes? Answer: nope. Eight and a half people paid to see this at the theater.

The other reason I included this in a horror movie blog is that the story of Pinocchio is freaking horrifying. And whenever they try to film it with live action people, it gets even more horrifying.

I’d rather sit through his Holocaust comedy again.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity. The main non-wooden character is Martin Landau, so that’s probably a good thing.

Pull ze strings. Pull ze strings. 

BLOOD AND GUTS:

No traditional death scenes, but there’s a lot of harrowing stuff going on. The boy-to-donkey transformation scene is crazy, as is the puppets-getting-burned-alive-with-chili-pepper-breath scene. And any time Udo Kier pops up looking like a gay pirate…

…Eeeek.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Is the nose growth scene always this phallic and awkward?

Probably.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Children’s stories about young characters transitioning (or refusing to transition) into maturity have obvious parallels for the typically youth-obsessed gay male. (Don’t argue with me; I’m quoting my buddy “Science.”) Gay men seem to respond to Peter Pan, and they seem to respond to Pinocchio for the same reasons. That said, this movie is creepy beyond all reasoning, even if the Jim Henson puppetry is great. Let’s give this film one and a half Silvio Hortas.

He’s the creator of Ugly Betty AND Urban Legend.

He's kind of my screenwriting hero...

I'm starting to seriously lose faith in this ranking system.

SURF NINJAS

I just caught 1993’s Surf Ninjas on HBO and I have one question: Is this a real movie, or did the early 90s just throw up on me?

Here are some of the many things that Surf Ninjas brings to the table:

Ernie Reyes, Jr.

the Sir Laurence Olivier of our generation

Tone Loc

If you thought he was good

as the rapping lizard from Fern Gully…

This guy standing around and acting Asian

With so many Asians out there, why does

this guy get so much screen time?

Answer: sex appeal.

Leslie Nielsen

In Surf Ninjas, he gets trampled by an elephant. Har har.

An NES videogame that is somehow linked to reality

Not the Ralph Bakshi film about Nazis

Little kids that overcome their day-to-day problems by learning karate

Jonathan Brandis before he trained talking dolphins

Rob Schneider as a high school student (!)

Oh lord.

Surfers in SoCal with limited intelligence

San Dimas High School football rules!

A monkey that steals things and causes mischief, but actually ends up helping our heroes along

the little-seen prequel to American Beauty

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not really. I just wanted to share this film with the world.