MONSTER HOUSE

         

MONSTER HOUSE

2006

        

The Polar Express is creepy. Like, waaaay creepy. It's the only movie that has ever been able to make Tom Hanks come across as a dead-eyed homeless pedophile (and I've seen Turner and Hooch). There are so many things wrong with the character design of that movie, and it all boils down to a technology that just wasn't quite ready to create humans.

          

I won't go on and on about the uncanny valley and whatnot, because those who've seen The Polar Express know what I mean. Everything looks almost normal, but there's just something really really wrong with the motion capture animation, so much so that not even a Hanksian tidal wave of charm can compensate for those dead, dead eyes.

      

So when Monster House reared it ugly head, complete with Robert Zemeckis as an executive producer and Image Movers as the production studio, I was not at all interested. I love animated movies, traditional and computer, but this wasn't either. It was something else. And I thought it would be ugly.
            
So years passed and I forgot about this movie. Beowulf came and went. Mars Needs Moms crashed and burned. And then a funny thing happened. I got really into Community, the NBC sitcom that has breathed new life into a dying television network. Community is currently my favorite show on television, and it's created by the inimitable Dan Harmon. The man's a genius, but from all accounts he's not the easiest guy to work with. (He's the only showrunner I've heard of to get kicked off of TWO shows that he co-created. Or something. I try not to follow Twitter nonsense.)
                 
Anyway, Dan Harmon co-wrote Monster House, so that fun tidbit immediately piqued my interest. Would this little cartoon be as witty and meta as Community? Would its script outweight any motion capture creepiness? I had to find out.
                   

                         
So when I sat down to watch this movie, I was all prepared to focus in on the jokes and dialogue and plotting, which, admitted, were all pretty great. (There's a killer uvula joke about halfway through.) Most of the dialogue really lands, and the characters are never less-than-genuine. It's a fun, heartfelt movie.
               
But what I really took away from this viewing experience is that the animation works! Motion capture works! The characters are all cartoony enough that it doesn't come across as dead-faced robots and Heidi Klums lurching through the film. Like any good cartoon, these characters are like real people, except not. This one movie singlehandedly reignited my faith in motion capture technology.
                       
Not only that, it actually turned me into a fan. I'd never seen so many beautiful, soaring camera angles on a cartoon before. The entire film is kinetic and cinematic and special. It really really soars. I don't know what this movie does differently from something like Beowulf and Polar Express. Maybe it comes down to having characters that don't try to look too human. Maybe it embraces the artificiality of the medium in a way that the others don't. Whatever it is, this is a gorgeous film. Who knew!
               

And that Chowder character.

That's basically every kid's first best friend.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Ghost of a Chance

A while back, I discussed a Halloween episode of Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, that classic late-80s, early-90s staple of Disney Afternoon. Today I want to talk about its companion episode. And by companion, I mean it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, except a Halloween theme and a pair of crime-solving rodents. In this installment, Chip and Dale meet a ghost mouse and help him move on to the afterlife. It is a lot like an episode of Ghost Whisperer, except without Jennifer Love Hewitt, her boobs, or whispering.

Much of the run-time of this episode is spent with the main characters wandering around a big spooky castle while eyes in paintings look at them. Or look in totally different directions. Whichever.

Because this is an episode of Chip and Dale, everything can be blamed on Fat Cat, the resident baddy. (Everything except the mouse ghost and his mouse death, which has nothing to do with him.) Fat Cat is after some random treasure, by the way. He does that a lot.

The only thrills and chills of the episode come courtesy of the red-eyed cat monster that wanders the castle grounds. Note the zipper lines. Also note the button, unless he has some kind of ghost cat skin cancer.

I would definitely recommend this episode as an example of what Chip and Dale has to offer: a simple, child friendly mystery interspersed with action, one-lines, and pratfalls. The mouse guillotine is just a bonus.

SPOILER ALERT: they do not get beheaded.

SOUTH PARK: Woodland Critter Christmas

The greatest Christmas special ever made, bar none. Hail Satan and happy holidays, from the makers of South Park.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Pound of the Baskervilles

I am a huge fan of Disney Afternoon. This childrens programming block from the early 90s churned out some of the best television animation of the era. Ducktales. Darkwing Duck. Bonkers. Goof Troop. TaleSpin. Gummi Bears. And of course Chip N Dale: Rescue Rangers.

Chip N Dale was an adventure series that reimagined the titular rodents as members of an elite animal team that fought for justice rather than those awful creatures that tormented Donald Duck every Christmas season. The stories were simple, but they always moved at a fast clip and used a heavy dose of family-friendly humor. There is also a certain kick that comes from watching little creatures use everyday objects in clever new ways. Call it the Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids syndrome.

Today, we are talking about Pound of the Baskervilles, a Halloween episode that takes the basic idea of the Sherlock Holmes story and adds talking mice. (Yeah, yeah. I know Chip and Dale are chipmunks. I was talking about Gadget and Monterey Jack.)

This episode meant a lot to me growing up, because it was terrifying. And by terrifying, I mean there was a red-eyed ghost dog craving human flesh.

...And I was officially the worlds biggest coward. Rewatching this now, I finally realize that the real threat was not an imaginary ghost dog, but a conniving uncle out for his inheritance or something. It was this guy:

Remember that face. About half the

human extras in this film look exactly like him.

Looking back on it, the main mystery is extremely easy to solve. Much like your typical Scooby Doo episode, there is exactly one suspect and one red herring. In this case, the guy who did it was... THE SUSPECT! Oh my god!

Like all episodes of this show, justice wins and we end on a laugh.

But rewatching this so many years later is a lot of fun. Seeing what we thought was scary in a totally new light makes us realize how simple life was back that, and how even the most insurmountable problems are probably easier than we think. It is total comfort food, and even though I was certainly not scared, I am glad I sat through it.

Also, the dog sounded like Ringo.

I didnt get the reference as a kid, apparently.

BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD

STATS:

Batman: Under the Red Hood

2010

Directed by Brandon Vietti

Written by Judd Winick

Starring Bruce Greenwood, Jensen Ackles, and Neil Patrick Harris (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Based on one of the most well-received Batman comics story arcs in a long time, this direct-to-DVD movie reunites Batman with his former (supposedly dead) Robin, who is now a morally ambiguous hero/villain named the Red Hood. Classic Batman baddies the Joker and Ra’s al Ghul are in it too, but this really is the Red Hood’s story. Batman has to grapple with moral dilemmas. He also fights robot ninja assassins. So, you know, it’s not too high-brow.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Now, that was rude. The first boy blunder had some manners. I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. Nah, I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar."

That Joker is a scene-stealer. Not gonna lie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

After witnessing the awesomeness of DC heroes Jonah Hex and The Spectre, I couldn’t get enough morally ambiguous antiheroes (and animated beefcake), so I busted out some good old Batman.

I said GOOD old Batman.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

People watch Superman to ogle the muscles. People watch Batman to enter a dark and twisted world. The pecs and abs are just cherries on top.

Actually, I meant nipples. Nipples on top.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This movie starts off with a painfully long scene of the Joker beating Robin with a crowbar. That pretty much sets the tone of the rest of the movie. There aren’t any POW and BAM fight scene sound effects in this movie. Instead, there is a real sense of danger. Also, people die.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

The presence of hottie Jensen Ackles and real-life superhero Neil Patrick Harris is enough to draw in the gay crowds, but the real lure of this film is the wicked cool reimagining of the Batman/Robin dynamic. For years, their relationship has inspired a million offensive gay jokes, but this movie takes their father-son bond in a really interesting direction. Sure, this movie has a lot of action, but it’s also really thought-provoking. By the end, when we see one final flashback of our Robin in a simpler, happier time, I suddenly realized how emotionally invested I was in this film.

Yup. It went there.

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

STATS:

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring Thomas Jane, Michelle Trachtenberg, Linda Hamilton

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The final installment of the DC Showcase series, this short film involves our scarfaced hero murdering a killer hooker by leaving her to die in a mineshaft filled with the corpses of all her victims. And yes, this is an animated movie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Ive already talked about two of the other films in the DC Showcase, one of which was fairly beefcake-y, and one of which was gruesome as hell. This one, as you can tell from the synopsis, is pretty close to the second category.

The other reason I wanted to write about this was to show my readers that Jonah Hex isn’t nearly as lame a character as his live-action movie makes him seem.

Stupid and incomprehensible. Also, why

does Josh Brolin have freakishly short arms?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes, but the nudity is strictly female. The story centers around prostitutes, so… duh. But Jonah is a tall glass of water, if you ignore his hideous facial scars.

Actually, nevermind.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The very end of this film includes dozens of dead corpses rotting away. There is also violence and murder up the wazoo. Man, I love this character.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Yet again, DC outdoes itself with the gore. Before I rented this video, I had no idea cartoon DVDs inspired by comic books could be so… awesome. I am now a fan.

DC SHOWCASE: The Spectre

STATS:

DC: SHOWCASE: The Spectre

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos (Jack Two Santas)

Written by Steve Niles

Starring Gary Cole, Alyssa Milano

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Spectre is a private detective, ghost, and ladies man all rolled into one. Basically, if CBS executives combined all of their scripted shows, they would come up with The Spectre. In this film, he solves the mystery of a murdered movie producer by using horrifying magic hallucinations to kill the bad guys. He also narrates a lot.

He is voiced by this guy, BTW.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This short film is a continuation of Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam, which I recently posted about. It originally came as a bonus movie on the video Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths. Afterwards, they packaged it with three other DC shorts (including Superman/Shazam), which is where I got to see it.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Unlike the previous Superman short, which was 98% hot guys wrestling each other, this one doesn’t have a lot of beefcake. The Spectre isn’t a particularly rippling hero, and he mostly stays covered in a long green cloak.

He does make out with a weirdly blonde Alyssa Milano.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The horror aspect, however, is front and center. The death scenes in this one are terrifying. One involves a killer car…

Like this, except not horrible.

…And another involves a bunch of movie props coming alive and being creepy as hell.

Like this, except... well, just as ridiculous as this.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Man, is this film creepy. But don’t just take my word for it. Check this out. If I had known that DC animated films could be this apeshit terrifying, I would have started watching them years ago.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

STATS:

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

2010

Directed by Jaoquim Dos Santos

Written by Michael Jelenic

Starring Jerry O’Connell

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman teams up with Captain Marvel (a kid who gets random magic powers every time he shouts "Shazam!") to fight Black Adam, a white guy named Adam. The entire movie is one long fight scene, with some exposition about how Captain Marvel gets his powers.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Shazam," obviously.

Um... a slightly different film.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is the centerpiece of a 4-part anthology film meant to introduce people to lesser-known DC heroes. I found it free on Netflix and decided to check it out. Certain sections were gleefully horrific, so I thought I could do a few write-ups for this website. I had to start with this one, which was the least horrific and bloody, because it was the first (and longest) installment in the set.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As expected, this film is chock-full of superpowered, animated beefcake. In this installment, we get Superman, Captain Marvel, AND Black Adam, three rippling heroes. Theyre fully clothed, but tights barely count as clothing, right? The animators leave absolutely no bulges to the imagination. I strongly believe that some people are just born gay, but superheroes like these make a good argument that some pop culture can "turn" kids. If so, bring on the super men!

Like I said: bulges.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

For one giant fight scene, this film has precious little blood. Also, the city is weirdly underpopulated, so there aren’t a lot of deaths amidst the wreckage. This could be due to budgetary reasons (lots of extras are hard to draw) and moral reasons (protect the children!), but comparing this film to the others in this grisly series makes me think it has more to do with the former than the latter.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Does Captain Marvel have a big fan base? I’ve never heard of him, and his backstory is needlessly complicated. That said, there is something pretty kick-ass about a preteen who can turn into a big hulking hero just by saying a magic word.

Also, I’m surprised that a DC character is named Marvel. I’m not a huge comics fan, but I assume there was probably some drama involved back in the day.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is a fun little time waster. If you're of the "Prince Eric School of Hot Cartoons", there is a lot to like in this one. There’s not much of a story beyond a vague don’t-bully-people message, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

But seriously, Black Adam needs a new name.

Like, Vaguely Ethnic Adam. Or The Rock.

FAT ALBERT'S HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

STATS:

Fat Albert’s Halloween Special

1977

With Bill Cosby as Everybody

"Hey hey hey. Dig these cool homemade outfits."

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Fat Albert and the gang decide to scare a bunch of old people for Halloween. Why? Because they’re creepy.

Point taken.

Eventually, they scare an old lady and she’s so happy that they gave her attention that she gives them candy or something. Then the gang realizes that old people are cool.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“We don’t wanna scare Old Mudfoot. What did he ever do anyway?” “He got old, that’s what.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a 22-minute-long holiday special from Filmation, the studio behind Mission Magic, My Favorite Martians, and ARK II. It hasn’t exactly stood the test of time.

Except for the character designs. They’re timeless.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I think my overall opinion of this lackluster Saturday morning distraction can best be summed up with Fat Albert’s final line of the evening: “Hey hey hey. This is really okay.”

The old people in this episode have names like Mudfoot Brown, Searchlight Johnson, and Clayface McGee. One of those three names is made up.

Doesn't one of Fat Albert's buddies look like Dr. Bailey from Grey's Anatomy?

OK. IS IT GAY?

To answer that question, let’s take a look at one of Fat Albert’s skinny friends. I think he gives off a vibe.

You know, I’m probably not being fair. Let’s see what he chooses for his costume.

Hmm… He also dresses like a witch and trips all over his dress. I don’t have a screen capture, because by that time in the episode, I was crazy-drunk. (Because I skipped the anti-alcohol Christmas episode. Also, because I took a shot every time Fat Albert rhymed.)

Look, I’m taking some cheap shots at a minor Fat Albert character for his weirdly revealing fashion sense, but that’s probably just a byproduct of the 70s. The character wasn’t gay. Nothing in this episode was. It’s just from a simpler time when guys showed their midriff because they could. On a gayness scale, I’ll give this a Jack Tripper.

TANGLED

Sometimes (but not often) I watch movies that aren’t even tangentially related to horror. Today I saw Disney’s Tangled.

This film is of interest to the gay community because of its Alan Menken showtunes, its strong female lead, and the best animated beefcake since The Little Mermaid’s Prince Eric.

Seriously. It’s the gay man’s Jessica Rabbit.

In addition, the film has a positive message about being yourself and embracing your hidden dreams. Sure, this is the message of pretty much every children’s film I can think of, but it gets bonus points for showing a group of tough surly men who are secretly interested in the arts, romance, and unicorns. It might be played for laughs, but it still comes across as heartfelt. This is a pro-gay film if I’ve ever seen one.