JACK-O

  

Fun Fact: Jack-O is one of the worst horror movies and best first ladies of all time. I am, of course, more inclined to write about the horror movie than the first lady, because I have seen the horror movie three times under various levels of intoxication. (And I have seen the first lady zero times under zero levels of intoxication. Man, this blog is getting weird.)

  

Anyway, Jack-O is an ultra-low-budget Pumpkinhead story from the early 90s. (There are no pill-box hats in sight.) I was planning to write up a blog post about this movie after I watched it last year, but I honestly could not think of anything clever or interesting to say about it, so I just let the memories fade into the back of my pumpkin head.

  

Today, when I was cleaning out my computer and looking at all my random saved photos (Hello, Eartha Kitt from Ernest Scared Stupid!), I came across the above picture. Now I honestly could not remember if this was a screen cap from Jack-O or an episode of Goosebumps. I believe it is actually from Goosebumps. But the fact that there was ever any doubt really says a lot about Jack-O. And basically, what it says is please do not watch Jack-O.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Ghost of a Chance

A while back, I discussed a Halloween episode of Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, that classic late-80s, early-90s staple of Disney Afternoon. Today I want to talk about its companion episode. And by companion, I mean it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, except a Halloween theme and a pair of crime-solving rodents. In this installment, Chip and Dale meet a ghost mouse and help him move on to the afterlife. It is a lot like an episode of Ghost Whisperer, except without Jennifer Love Hewitt, her boobs, or whispering.

Much of the run-time of this episode is spent with the main characters wandering around a big spooky castle while eyes in paintings look at them. Or look in totally different directions. Whichever.

Because this is an episode of Chip and Dale, everything can be blamed on Fat Cat, the resident baddy. (Everything except the mouse ghost and his mouse death, which has nothing to do with him.) Fat Cat is after some random treasure, by the way. He does that a lot.

The only thrills and chills of the episode come courtesy of the red-eyed cat monster that wanders the castle grounds. Note the zipper lines. Also note the button, unless he has some kind of ghost cat skin cancer.

I would definitely recommend this episode as an example of what Chip and Dale has to offer: a simple, child friendly mystery interspersed with action, one-lines, and pratfalls. The mouse guillotine is just a bonus.

SPOILER ALERT: they do not get beheaded.

CHIP AND DALE: RESCUE RANGERS: Pound of the Baskervilles

I am a huge fan of Disney Afternoon. This childrens programming block from the early 90s churned out some of the best television animation of the era. Ducktales. Darkwing Duck. Bonkers. Goof Troop. TaleSpin. Gummi Bears. And of course Chip N Dale: Rescue Rangers.

Chip N Dale was an adventure series that reimagined the titular rodents as members of an elite animal team that fought for justice rather than those awful creatures that tormented Donald Duck every Christmas season. The stories were simple, but they always moved at a fast clip and used a heavy dose of family-friendly humor. There is also a certain kick that comes from watching little creatures use everyday objects in clever new ways. Call it the Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids syndrome.

Today, we are talking about Pound of the Baskervilles, a Halloween episode that takes the basic idea of the Sherlock Holmes story and adds talking mice. (Yeah, yeah. I know Chip and Dale are chipmunks. I was talking about Gadget and Monterey Jack.)

This episode meant a lot to me growing up, because it was terrifying. And by terrifying, I mean there was a red-eyed ghost dog craving human flesh.

...And I was officially the worlds biggest coward. Rewatching this now, I finally realize that the real threat was not an imaginary ghost dog, but a conniving uncle out for his inheritance or something. It was this guy:

Remember that face. About half the

human extras in this film look exactly like him.

Looking back on it, the main mystery is extremely easy to solve. Much like your typical Scooby Doo episode, there is exactly one suspect and one red herring. In this case, the guy who did it was... THE SUSPECT! Oh my god!

Like all episodes of this show, justice wins and we end on a laugh.

But rewatching this so many years later is a lot of fun. Seeing what we thought was scary in a totally new light makes us realize how simple life was back that, and how even the most insurmountable problems are probably easier than we think. It is total comfort food, and even though I was certainly not scared, I am glad I sat through it.

Also, the dog sounded like Ringo.

I didnt get the reference as a kid, apparently.

GOBLIN

GOBLIN
2010
Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando
Written by Raul Inglis
Starring Gil Bellows (the brain tumor guy from Ally McBeal)

Goblin is a Syfy Channel movie, meaning it is chock-a-block full of slumming actors, simple plots, and bad CGI-effects. However, the CGI is never obtrusive and distracting—as it often is in movies like Sharktopus—because the titular monster is usually just a creepy figure in a cloak.

Close, but think smaller and cheaper.

Personally, I find this much more effective than seeing the goblin in the flesh, which you do during the film’s truncated climax. Call this the Poltergeist II trap. The entire movie uses a fairly effective villain for most of its run-time, but then turns him into a mass of computer-generated garbage for the last few minutes. It’s disappointing and ill-advised.

Look at this guy. Does he need computer effects?

That said, this film is a pretty effective tale of a small town ravaged by a baby-crazy fairy tale monster. Most of the townspeople act like Pumpkinhead-II-level idiots, but they get the job done. And they get killed a lot, so there’s always that.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

Since you’re a big bat, can you turn into a tiny vampire?

ALL-AMERICAN GIRL

Hello, readers. Just eight more days till Halloween (Silver Shamrock!). I hope you are all looking forward to the festivities and enjoying the decorations. There is just nothing like walking into Walmart and seeing the orange and black silhouettes of witches and whatnot hanging from the ceiling.

What is even better, though... is the flurry of random horror films on every TV channel that isn't Bible-related. So far, I have been loving the TV this season, and I've stockpiled a bunch of reviews for later. I've seen everything from the good, the bad, to the downright adorable.

Guess what category this falls under.

Over at our sister blog, though, we've been having a grand ol' time discussing All-American Girl, one of the forgotten sitcoms of the mid-90s. Check out a few of our reviews. They serve as a nice break from decapitations and computer-animated sharks.

HALLOWEEN FIFTEEN

The good folks over at The Moon Is a Dead World have started a new holiday blog tradition called the Halloween Fifteen, where guest bloggers drop in and contribute a review for one of fifteen horror films throughout October. So far, there have been two reviews, with 13 more to go. (For those who don't believe in mathematics, I was able to figure it out for ya. See how I did that?) But seriously, check it out.

FAT ALBERT'S HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

STATS:

Fat Albert’s Halloween Special

1977

With Bill Cosby as Everybody

"Hey hey hey. Dig these cool homemade outfits."

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Fat Albert and the gang decide to scare a bunch of old people for Halloween. Why? Because they’re creepy.

Point taken.

Eventually, they scare an old lady and she’s so happy that they gave her attention that she gives them candy or something. Then the gang realizes that old people are cool.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“We don’t wanna scare Old Mudfoot. What did he ever do anyway?” “He got old, that’s what.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a 22-minute-long holiday special from Filmation, the studio behind Mission Magic, My Favorite Martians, and ARK II. It hasn’t exactly stood the test of time.

Except for the character designs. They’re timeless.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I think my overall opinion of this lackluster Saturday morning distraction can best be summed up with Fat Albert’s final line of the evening: “Hey hey hey. This is really okay.”

The old people in this episode have names like Mudfoot Brown, Searchlight Johnson, and Clayface McGee. One of those three names is made up.

Doesn't one of Fat Albert's buddies look like Dr. Bailey from Grey's Anatomy?

OK. IS IT GAY?

To answer that question, let’s take a look at one of Fat Albert’s skinny friends. I think he gives off a vibe.

You know, I’m probably not being fair. Let’s see what he chooses for his costume.

Hmm… He also dresses like a witch and trips all over his dress. I don’t have a screen capture, because by that time in the episode, I was crazy-drunk. (Because I skipped the anti-alcohol Christmas episode. Also, because I took a shot every time Fat Albert rhymed.)

Look, I’m taking some cheap shots at a minor Fat Albert character for his weirdly revealing fashion sense, but that’s probably just a byproduct of the 70s. The character wasn’t gay. Nothing in this episode was. It’s just from a simpler time when guys showed their midriff because they could. On a gayness scale, I’ll give this a Jack Tripper.

COMMUNITY "Epidemiology"

STATS

COMMUNITY

“Epidemiology”

2010

Directed by: Anthony Hemingway

Written by: Karey Dornetto
Starring: Joel McHale, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Gilliam Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Alison Brie, and Ken Jeong (basically the best ensemble since Jesus and his apostles)

My version of the Last Supper. It’s quippier.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The basic premise of Community is that a group of disparate adults from different backgrounds form a new sort of community at a community college. In each episode, they do wacky stuff.

In this particular episode, the gang goes to a costume party in the school library. The dean serves tainted food and the student body starts turning into zombies. Most of the episode is a straight-up horror spoof with references to Aliens, Dawn of the Dead, and basically all my favorite movies.

Except this one.

The gang gets whittled down to one survivor (Troy) who has to get to the thermostat to lower the temperature and cure all the zombies. Not exactly your average episode of Two and a Half Men, huh?

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Community is the best show on television and the most daring and awesome sitcom since Night Court (werewolf lawyer notwithstanding). Each episode is crazy-funny and Dan Harmon and his writing staff aren’t afraid to swing for the fences every single week. (What other show on TV does an episode-long My Dinner with Andre spoof?)

Further, Community is profoundly inclusive and diverse. Part of the fabric of the show is its variety of races, ages, and body types. That said, there aren’t any openly gay characters. And Dead Pelton (who I guess is omnisexual or something) can be viewed as problematic for gay audiences.

Personally, I find this guy hilarious.

So when they managed to outdo the first season’s Halloween episode with something much more ambitious and insane, I had to write a post.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“He’s acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.”

“Just been proven racist by the racist prover.”

“They can make us sick by biting us. The banana said so.”

“What is up with that CAT?” “Is someone throwing it?”

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No real nudity, but Troy goes shirtless and shows off how perfect he is.

There were several other costumes of note, primarily Britta as a non-sexy woodland creature and Chang as not-Kristy Yamaguchi. And of course Dean Pelton finds an excuse to dress as Lady Gaga.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Well, no one DIES-dies, but almost all the characters get bitten and turn into zombies. Actually, the zombie make-up was pretty legit.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is the best show on television. Did I mention that?

Overall, this isn’t the funniest episode of Community, but it might be one of the ballsiest. It’s right up there with Contemporary American Poultry.

Frankly, I cannot wait till next week’s paintball finale. It’s going to be epic, or at the very least, give us some good Josh Holloway face-time.

this guy + paintball = my favorite thing

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yes. While the Troy/Abed dynamic is technically a platonic bromance, it really straddles the line sometimes. This episode has one of the most overtly romantic moments between them, when Abed sacrifices himself so that Troy can continue their mission. It’s a more genuine moment than the romance in most horror movies I’ve seen. More to the point, it’s not really played for laughs. Scenes like that are why I love this show. Let’s give this two Neil Patrick Harrises.

THIRTYSOMETHING: "The Haunting of DAA"

STATS:

“The Haunting of DAA”

thirtysomething

1990

Director: Joseph Doherty

Writer: Anne Lewis Hamilton

Starring: Timothy Busfield, Polly Draper, Mel Harris, Peter Horton, Melanie Mayron, Ken Olin, Patricia Wettig

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ken Olin has to lay off a bunch of people at DAA, his advertising firm. While he struggles with the guilt, he gets chummy with the ghost of the company’s former owner. The ghost manifests himself as a creepy janitor with a squeaky wheel, which I think is a horror cliché, but I’m having trouble thinking of examples (Scream? Return to Horror High?).

The story climaxes in a costume party at DAA, where Ken Olin finds out that his boss is way more vulnerable than he knew. And sprinkled throughout the story are refreshingly random horror references (Darkman, Robbie the Robot), and a nice little running joke about Freddy Krueger.

Aw. Look at that little face!

WHAT YOU SAY?

“My chiropractor has suggested alternative positions.”

“Dressing up was the best part. You got to be somebody else.”

“Didn’t you find it the least bit enjoyable?”

“Brush your teeth or I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

thirtysomething (I feel like e. e. cummings whenever I write that title.) is one of the most important serialized dramas in the history of television. It was one of the first shows to elevate the triviality of daily life to high drama. It wasn’t soapy and operatic. It was mundane and simple, and the writers and actors were able to wring all the drama out of these extremely tiny stories. Without this show, all dramas would be much more Desperate Housewives and much less Brothers and Sisters.

From a gay perspective, thirtysomething was seminal for an earlier episode (“Strangers”) that showed a healthy gay relationship among two secondary characters. In particular, it showed a scene with two men sharing a bed, not being physical, just talking about their relationship. Advertisers went bonkers and the show shied away from its gay characters from then on. But points for effort.

And for upper-pec nudity, I guess. 

I chose this episode to spotlight because it’s a Halloween episode (duh), and it features no less than four Marilyn Monroe impersonators.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Nope and nope. Every few episodes of the show, Ken Olin walks out of the bathroom shirtless. He’s beefy and hairy and crazy-handsome. I hope those two sentences will bring at least a few new eyes to this underrated show.

Ken Olin (left) with Tarzan of the Apes 

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Not at all, unless you count the corporate blood-letting. Ken Olin fires a bunch of people and then decides to overthrow his boss Miles (again). Not exactly a disembowelment, am I right?

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

None that I can count. Except, why exactly is Polly Draper’s character at the company party? She’s a government worker and has no relation to DAA except for being a dissatisfied customer last season.

What’s with the peanut in the wall? I mean, it beats a tooth in the wall (Anyone get the reference?) or an ear in the field (Again? Anyone?).

Worst product placement ever. 

Who was the guy in the frog mask? Was it even a frog mask?

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I really, really want Patricia Wettig to be a gay icon, and I really, really don’t know why.

Lovely lady

David Clennon as Miles is the most reptilian human being I’ve seen outside of Theodore Rex.

I'm kind of stretching it for a joke, but I

really wanted to mention this film. 

Polly Draper sure sounded like Marilyn. She’s nothing else if not breathy.

I’ve discovered my new least favorite song. I think it’s called “The Day the Devil Comes to Getcha” and it is absolutely brutal with its 80s pop ugliness. You have to hear it.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not this episode. Like I said, the show deserves serious points for normalizing gay relationships and then getting shat on because of it. So it’s understandable that this episode (and the rest of the show) is non-gay.

That said, for a Halloween episode centered on a costume party, it’s significantly less campy than equivalent Home Improvement or Roseanne episodes. A couple Marilyns and a Madonna can only go so far. I’m used to crazy-elaborate background costumes, and those were in short supply. (Fun fact: I brightened up because I thought I saw a cross-dressing Marilyn in the background, but it ended up being Polly Draper. Don’t I feel guilty?)

So that leaves me with a ranking. For being gay-friendly without ever really addressing the topic, I’ll give this episode two Brad Pitts.

Good thing Scientology isn't communicable.