THE HORROR SHOW (HOUSE 3)

I didn’t want to write a full review of House 3 the same way I wrote one for House 1, 2, and 4. Why? Because this isn’t really a House movie. It’s a title-grabbing cash-in, and I’ve always felt a little angry at this movie, because it throws off the numbering system of the entire House franchise. (Much like the Italian Zombi movies, which either skipped number one or number two, depending on how you look at them.)

     

 So yes, as you can tell, I am very boring at parties.

       

 But the point is, I finally sat through House 3 yesterday (or at least the first two thirds, before Netflix decided to lay a big old fart on my Internet connection). And my verdict: pleasantly surprised. I was expected a straight-up horror movie, which would go against the horror-comedy spirit of the other two installments. But this was actually kind of funny. Or at least it tried to be. The ghost (because this movie has a single ghost) terrorizes our poor main character, but he actually has a sense of humor about it. There were a few scenes in this film that actually reminded me of the similarly overlooked Shocker.

      

No, I don’t recommend this. But I’m glad I saw it. Not bad, Mr. Cash Grab. Not bad.

HOUSE

HOUSE
1986
Directed by Steven Miner (Halloween: H20, Friday the 13^th Part 2, ABC Family’s Switched at Birth)
Written by Fred Dekker (Monster Squad!), Ethan Wiley (Children of the Cord 5: Fields of Terror Bad CGI)
Starring William Katt and George Wendt, the 80s version of Laurel and Hardy

WHA’ HAPPENED?
The Greatest American Hero™ (William Katt) moves into his aunt’s haunted house so he can have some alone time to write a novel about the Vietnam War. He doesn’t realize the house is infested with a horrible creature that will surely drive him to madness: TV’s George Wendt.

And there are ghosts. Lots of weird-ass ghosts, including the crumbling remains of a former soldier that Katt left to lie in some Vietnamese rice paddy. This skeleton warrior is out for revenge, which is why he kidnapped Katt’s son and whisked him away to an ill-defined realm of darkness and tentacles. Katt must save his son, defeat the zombie, and survive a week living in… The House!

BACKGROUND
This film came in the middle of the mid-80s horror comedy boom, which was arguably jumpstarted by Freddy Krueger and his increasingly zany antics. Two and a half decades later, House has become a well-regarded HBO staple, and people think of it as Fright Night’s doofy younger brother. You know, the one with ADD and George Wendt? I hadn’t seen it in years, but I remember being amused throughout the whole film. So when MOON IS A DEAD WORLD chose this for the latest round of Viewer Vomit, I was ready and willing and check it out one more time.

One of the more harrowing showdowns in the film.

Where's Rhea Pearlman when you need her?

EXPECTATIONS
When I popped my House VHS tape into my dusty old VCR (true story), I had a few very clear images in my mind: William Katt diving through his bathroom mirror, a skeleton super-soldier, a goofy-looking purple ghost thing that impersonates William Katt’s wife. Basically, I remembered all the money shots. But I wasn’t sure how much of a comedy this was.

I’d seen all three House movies (1, 2, and 4, because 3 doesn’t really exist), and I was aware that each one walked the horror/comedy tightrope to varying degrees of success. Was this the one with an Old West shoot-out. Did this have a pizza monster? All the House movies blurred in my brain, and I was curious to see how the first one stood up.

Not since his role in Problem Child 3: Junior's in Love

has William Katt been this terrified.

WHAT I LIKED
After watching this one and the two sequels, I can safely say that this is by far the least comedic, which is definitely a good thing. There’s obvious comedy in this film, particularly physical stuff involving wacky monster body parts and dead bodies. (It’s like Poltergeist on meth, but in a good way.) George Wendt also gets off a few good one-liners (My personal favorite: “Cujo, the raccoon!”). And William Katt has the common sense to play everything with a slight wink to the audience. He’s not the greatest actor around (Hence his role in Problem Child 3), but he comes across as endearing and sympathetic.

That said, the movie isn’t pure slapstick. There are actual stakes involved. Unlike the sequels, which have moments of drama that they utterly botch, this one uses the kidnapped son in a way that seems properly dramatic, but not depressing.

Look what I caught!

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

This film isn’t perfect, and there are a few sour notes. I’m specifically talking about the completely cheesy Vietnam flashbacks. They look like they were filmed in someone’s backyard luau. They come at random times throughout the film and totally disrupt the flow. Most importantly, though, these flashbacks are completely unneccessary. We can get all this information in half the time. William Katt talks about his PTSD more than enough times (he’s writing a freaking book about it!). We don’t need to see any of this happening on the screen.

My other major gripe with this film is that the ghost dimension that his son is trapped in comes across as thoroughly underdeveloped and confusing. Has the boy been treading water in a dark cave for the months that he’s been gone? The movie does not explain where he was this entire time. Maybe if the movie spent less time showing William Katt spout off war movie clichés with that bailiff guy from Night Court… then maybe we’d get half a minute of explanation about where his son was. Just a thought.

FINAL VERDICT

I enjoyed this movie. A lot. I laughed at all the right parts, I thought the comedy didn't take anything away from the legitimate scares, and I enjoyed hanging out with these actors. It's not flawless, but it's good-natured enough that the flaws don't really matter. Now that I've watched it again, I don't think I'll let my VHS copy build up quite so much dust the next time I want to check it out.

HOUSE 2: The Second Story

House II: The Second Story is a big, overstuffed mess of a movie with at least two plot threads too many, but holy crap is it fun to watch. It basically takes the story and tone of the first House, and adds a bunch more wackiness. It also gets rid of the weird tonal shifts that the first one had (like all those cheesy Vietnam flashbacks). When you think of horror-comedies, you think of movies like this.

Let’s start a checklist of why this movie is a fun experience.

1. First, we have the house itself, which seems much creepier and more Baroque than the first house. One of its rooms is actually a prehistoric jungle, so you know it has some serious square footage.

2. We have our requisite Cheers castmember making the rounds. In the first one, it was George Wendt. In this one, we get Pixar fave John Ratzenberger, who is clearly having a ball.

 

3. We get Amy (Problem Child) Yasbeck in a completely unnecessary role of a pop star wannabe. Why is this storyline even in the movie? No idea. But it’s always good to see Ms. Yasbeck outside of that damn airport.

4. Bill Maher tries to act. Sure, the character of the slimy music agent really fits him, but what’s really cool is the novelty of watching Bill Maher slum it up in a low-budget horror comedy.

5. Royal Dano as a cowboy zombie adjusting to live in Reagan’s America. His cluelessness and regret are alternately funny and touching. And that make-up is very, very good.

6. And finally, this film involves a whole host of weird puppets, including this little guy clutching a magic crystal skull in its beak. You heard me correctly: a magic crystal skull. This is by far the greatest movie involving a magic crystal skull. (Though, admittedly, there isn’t much competition.)

Will you ever get scared by watching this movie? Probably not. Will you laugh out loud? Maybe. But you’ll definitely grin all the way through. And isn’t that a good enough reason to watch?

House IV

STATS:

HOUSE IV

1992

Directed by Lewis Abernathy

Written by an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of keyboards

Starring William Katt (barely), Denny Dillon, and Terri Treas (no idea)

House 1 and House 2 are light-hearted horror comedies where everything works out in the end. Sure, the leads have to face down gloopy looking ghosts and pterodactyls (seriously), but they proceed along at a quick pace and are a lot of fun to watch. House 4, on the other hand, doubles down on the wackiness quotient, but ends up paradoxically darker, angrier, and more unpleasant than either of its prequels. (House 3 doesn’t exist, by the way.)

First of all, take a look at the titular house. It’s not a charming fixer-upper like before. This is a horrid little place in the middle of the desert. Why does it even exist out here? Who built it? Should I be paying attention to the stupid Indian burial ground backstory that comes out of nowhere halfway through the film?

Apparently, the property is quite valuable, which is why a midget mob boss wants to kill William Katt and his family so that he could demolish the property and build something-something. I say go for it. I’m sure there are some nice condos nearby. And by nearby, I mean far far away from this deserted hell-hole.

To start things off with a bang, William Katt dies in a car accident, leaving his grieving wife and newly paralyzed daughter behind. That’s a great way to begin a horror-comedy, don’t you think?

Did I mention the midget crime boss? Because holy crap was that character an ill-advised bit of nastiness. He is hooked up to a machine that constantly pumps phlegm from his neck hole. In one lovely scene, he has his goons hold down a business partner and pour the phlegm down his throat. By this point in the movie, I’m really starting to miss the pterodactyls of part 2.

Even the wacky monsters are meant to be goofy but come across as disgusting. Case-in-point: the Pizza Man, who looks like this:

William Katt's widow shoves him in the disposal, getting brownish pizza goo all over herself. The scene was meant to be slapsticky, but comes across as depressing instead. They also make jokes about anchovies, which are God’s gift to pizza lovers everywhere, so I’m a little angry at that, too.

Most of the actual humor comes via SNL alum Denny Dillon. If you don’t remember her from SNL, she was on that show during the early 80s, when no one watched. It was a dark time for late night television, but Denny herself isn’t half bad.

All-in-all, this movie's attempts at comedy come off horrific, and its attempts at horror come off comedic. It is an unpleasant movie full of phlegm and cheap drama. (In one scene, the wheelchair-bound daughter looks longingly at two girls who are jumping in slow motion for no reason whatsoever. Stupid stupid stupid.) Do yourself a favor and rewatch parts 1 or 2 instead. Or part 3, which doesn’t exist.

A random picture. I wanted to cheer myself up.

GHOST TOWN

Not this film.

GHOST TOWN
2009
Directed by Todor Chapkanov
Written by Andy Briggs
Starring Billy Drago!

Eek.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A group of idiots are stranded in a magical Old West that is haunted by cowboy spirits. Everyone splits up, because they’ve never seen Scooby Doo. They get killed a lot, because DUH, and then the survivors have to figure out how to stop the town’s curse so they can leave.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie was on Syfy Channel during Halloween weekend. I was visiting my parents at the time, and this was a film that my dad and I enjoyed together. We had a great time MST3King the entire thing, especially the obligatory barn sex death scene. It was a total bonding moment. And that is why horror movies are single-handedly bringing families back together.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Is there nudity? Yes, male and female, but it was edited for television, so none of it was awkward for my father and me to watch.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Unlike the T and A quota, this film’s gore factor is particularly high. A lot of the blood spatter is CG, and the zombie faces are never as terrifying as Billy Drago’s actual face, but a few of the beheadings were effective. In particular, there was a scene ripping off The Hitcher that I quite enjoyed.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This article might be rose-tinted because of the fond memories I have watching it with my father, but I think my experience with this film is indicative of the unique awesomeness of these kinds of movies. People from any walk of life—gay or straight, old or young—can catch movies like this on television during a lazy Sunday afternoon and have a freaking great time. This movie isn’t good—at all—but it is a great unifier. Someone should start broadcasting this wonderful garbage in the Gaza Strip.

CANDYMAN

After recently watching Final Destination 5 (or 5nal Destination, as it was originally going to be called by really stupid movie producers), I realized how much I love Tony Todd. I love him in Hatchet and Hatchet 2. I love him in season one of Chuck. And I particularly love him in Candyman, a Clive Barker horror film from the early 90s.

If you are a gay horror fan, you naturally gravitate toward Clive Barker and his works. It’s a natural mesh. He makes movies with a queer sensibility. And even if his films are butchered by interference (Nightbreed), they’re still interesting. This is perhaps the most perfect film that Mr. Barker can make. Sure, Hellraiser is probably more important. It probably has a bigger following, but from start to finish, Candyman is a more consistent, better constructed film.

Plus, it stars the incomparable Virginia Madsen. And even though Jennifer Laurence is a scream queen of the highest order, Virginia is an old-school movie star. She is classy.

Here she is, crawling through the hole in a bathroom wall.

Candyman might not have inspired the franchise that he deserved (which, considering the later Hellraiser films, might be a godsend), but he will still go down in history as the number one reason mirrors are creepy as hell. Also, if I could hire anyone to narrate my life story, it would be Tony Todd.

Any guesses what FLUCH means?

High Spirits

STATS:

High Spirits

1988

Director: Neil Jordan

Writer: Neil Jordan

Starring: Daryl Hannah, Peter O’Toole, Steve Guttenberg

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A castle is about to go out of business, so Peter O'Toole, the owner, hires actors to play fake ghosts to draw in the stupid Americans. Of course, there are actual ghosts in the castle, and they are all really horny.

WHAT YOU SAY?

You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Sure, it’s a late 80s horror comedy starring the Gutte himself, but it was also directed by Neil “Crying Game” Jordan, which makes it of immediate interest to gay film fans.

The twist is that she was a… werewolf the whole time.

Also… the Gutte. Gay fans love them some Gutte.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Police Academy 3 to 5 had more nudity. AND better wacky sound effects.

But you do see semi-nudity, mostly of the holy-crap-a-ghost-is-stripping-off-my-clothes variety.

No comment.

There are also scenes of an undead yet bulge-y Liam Neeson. Not bad.

I am not exactly sure what is happening in this picture.

For straight audiences, Daryl Hannah shows some ghost curves, though, so some people could appreciate that.

I think she was hotter in Splash.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Not so much. It is a comedy. But look at the above picture of Daryl Hannah. Scary.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not really. But it has a goofyball sense of sexuality that most people could appreciate, even if they are not bent over in laughter. As evidence, here is the closest thing to a sex scene. It is basically a ghost walking through a human. With mood music.