DYING BREED

STATS:

DYING BREED

2008

Directed by Jody Dywer (Is that the world's worst pen name, or the world's best real name?)

Starring Leigh Whannell (Insidious, Saw) and Nathan Phillips (Wolf Creek)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A researcher disappears in the Tasmanian jungle looking for some Tasmanian Tiger thing, so her sister and a few friends follow her footsteps to try to figure out what happened. And what did happen? Cannibals. A well organized network of local cannibals that might be related to a historical serial killer and (bestiality alert) the Tasmanian Tiger itself. Freaking Australians.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I wanted to watch this movie because of my love-hate relationship with Australian horror cinema. (For your homework assignment, watch Razorback, Rogue, Wolf Creek, and Dead-End Drive-In and try to figure out which movies go in the love column and which go in the hate column.) I also knew this one involved cannibals, so it could be glorious or awful. On a scale of Wrong Turn 1 to Wrong Turn 3, I had my fingers crossed that it would end up being closer to Wrong Turn 1.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity of interest. Whannell and Phillips are both handsome, by the way, in an off-kilter kind of way.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Fingers get bitten off. Whannell gets all bloodied. And there are computer animated dingo things. Nothing to write home about.

POSSIBLE DRINKING GAME:Take a shot every time someone mentions The Pie-Man. You will get DRUNK. And not at all scared, because holy crap that is a stupid name for a mass murderer.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This isn’t horrible, but I was hoping for something ape-shit insane, like the Down Under version of The Hills Have Eyes Part II. Instead, I got something that was a little gory, a little creepy, but none too memorable. That finger-eating girl was pretty scary though. And the scenery makes me really want to visit Tasmania. With a large group of people, of course.

ARGH! PIE MAN!

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

STATS:

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

Unreleased

Directed by Jonathan Levine (The Wackness, 50/50)

Starring Amber Heard, Anson Mount, a kid from Twilight

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Mandy Lane

and a group of friends engage in all sorts of illegal activities at a secluded ranch house. Of course, they start getting picked off one-by-one. Could it be connected to the accidental death of their friend nine months earlier? Is there some dark secret involving our title vixen and the power she holds over all the men in the film? Is there a bad-ass twist ending? Yes, yes, and hell yes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

An infamously unreleased horror gem from 2007, this movie has been on my list of movies to see since I saw its first trailer years ago. The trailer was so good, in fact, that I would go to Youtube and rewatch it every few months. Well, the last time I did, I saw that the movie itself had sneaked onto the internet. Needless to say, I was there!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes. One of the teens is particularly James Dean-y. But why do the cutest ones get murdered first?

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The film maintains its off-kilter, indie tone throughout, slowly doling out sudden, jarring death scenes to keep us on our toes. My favorite involves a knife slash to the eyes. There isn’t a lot of gore in the movie (about half the murdered kids get shot), but there’s certainly enough caked on blood by the end to make this film feel grimy and grindhousey. And did I mention a knife slash to the eyes?

OK. IS IT GAY?

There are possible lesbian undertones about halfway through. In a lesser movie, this would seem exploitative. In this movie, though, it added another layer to our enigmatic teen, coloring the ending in an interesting new light.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I loved this movie. It has the bare bones of a slasher film, but it’s all gussied up and dressed in indie clothes. The music is pure post-Wes-Anderson melancholy, the cinematography is low budget and beautiful, and the plot moseys along in such an unexpected and rambling way.

The non-death-scenes don’t feel obligatory. Instead, they’re filled with little character moments that make even the unlikable characters seem genuine. The bitchy blonde girl, for example, has a wordless scene where she takes off her stuffed bra and gives herself a long, sad look in the mirror. See? Even the nude scenes have something to say about each character.

While I wouldn’t say I was ever truly afraid during this film, I was always enthralled. Some of the best films can have some slow patches, and while this film is often slow, it never feels that way. It’s the kind of movie that sucks you into its groove and carries you along till the end.

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE

STATS:

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE

1984

Starring Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Charleton Heston, Patrick Stewart, and Sir Lawrence Olivier as Jethro

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Magic wind causes blood-spitting zombies. And bad acting. And kung fu scenes.

And forehead lightning, apparently.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Not another kung fu scene!"

R. Lee Ermy and Annie Potts had great chemistry together.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

No. It is not. As far as I know, this film has no cult following. I had never heard about it until I saw a  weirdly sticky VHS copy at a thrift store in Topock, Arizona. Since then, I have tried to share this film with the world. My life's goal is to be the Typhoid Mary of Bloodsuckers from Outer Space fandom.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not so much, which is for the best. All the characters look like they were played be regional theater actors from Colorado City, Utah.

And just as hospitable.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Yes. The hugely entertaining teaser at the beginning of the film really sets the stage for gore. A farmer stands downwind from an evil gust of... wind, and then starts throwing up fake blood for two minutes.

It's a slow build, this film.

Of course, it wouldn't be a zombie film without severed limbs, which leads us to the following screen capture:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was

an arm. Note the beautiful shirt fabric.

PLOT HOLES:

Not a single one. This film is thoroughly researched and strikingly realistic in its depiction of the inner city problems of 80s-era urban youth.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I present to you a beheading, without any explanation:

OK. IS IT GAY?

Oh God no. You straights can keep this one. We shall just watch and silently mock.