I DISMEMBER MAMA

Welcome to VHS Tuesday, where I dig up one of my old, awful horror videos and share its delightfully stupid packaging. When horror videos first started flooding the market, the marketing geniuses really went to town thinking up the best taglines and the most hilariously literal summaries. Today we have I Dismember Mama, an awful, awful video nasty that I never want to see again. But its packaging: pure genius.
   

This is the cover. Look! It’s Roy Scheider playing a washed-up magician.

   

   
Note the tagline: May she rest… in pieces. Damn. Gets me every time.
     
And the summary:
        

POOR ALBERT IS JUST CRAZY ABOUT WOMEN.

     

Albert (Zooey Hall) is a mentally disturbed young man incarcerated in a rest home run by Dr. Burton (Frank Whiteman).

    
A nurse’s reprimand (Elaine Partnow) causes him to lock her in his room, strip off her clothes and attempt to murder her. Then an attendant (James Tartan) is brutally murdered and Albert escapes. And so starts a killing spree more brutal than any ever seen in the annals of filmmaking. First his mothers servant goes, then a call girl in a series of chilling murders culminating in a terrifying Hitchcockian climax that will leave you breathless time and time again!
      

Not only do we know exactly who dies (and in what order!) but we also know that this is the most brutal, Hitchcockian story ever put to film. God bless whatever minimum wage copy-writer wrote this description. You almost make me want to see this movie again. Almost.

AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE

     
Amityville Dollhouse
1996
  

Tagline: The biggest name in horror comes home. (What?)

    

Starring Kalabar from Disney’s Halloweentown. That’s about it. And it took me literally the entire movie to figure out where I knew him from.

    

     

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Basically the same nonsense from all the Amityville sequels: supporting characters die but the family is more-or-less safe. Everyone thinks the dad is going crazy. The house blows up at the end.
      
The difference here is that the magic dollhouse of the title is to blame, and it can summon demons, giant rats, and previously dead relatives. Also, the family’s younger son is a creepy little whiner whose only friend is a pet rat. Remember when I said that no one in the core family gets murdered? Well, sometimes that’s not a good thing.
   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

The mid-90s was a wonderland of random direct-to-video sequels to semi-popular horror films. Some were fun (Leprechaun 2, 3, and 4), some were painful (Children of the Corn 5), and some involved an evil dollhouse that summoned dead people.
    

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The older son has a shirtless make-out session with his girlfriend. It’s fairly steamy, until the girlfriend basically gets eaten by the fireplace. It’s kind of a mood-killer.
     

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The zombie dad was pretty great, in a Pet Semetary 2 kind of way, and the burn victim girlfriend was effective. (Seriously, do NOT date someone who lives in a haunted house.) But the coolest scene is when the teen son gets an earful of mosquito. It was like that scene in Wrath of Khan, but with a more realistic fake ear. Gloopy goodness.
        

FINAL THOUGHTS:

After watching Amityville 1992: It’s About Time (which is a slightly lamer title than Dollhouse), I’ve decided that this sequel is just as bad, if slightly less inconsequential. As always, there are plenty of dry patches, and the climax is a little rushed (Look! A demon! Okay, let’s leave.) But it’s charming in a bone-headed way, and the scene with the giant rat was adorable.

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

   
So we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Nick Swardson did not make a movie starring any of his gay stereotype characters. The bad news is Nick Swardson made a movie.
   

This film, produced by the American auteur Adam Sandler, helped Mr. Sandler set a record for the most Razzie nominations in a single year. It also set a record for one of the lowest-grossing wide-release movies in the history of film. Let us see how the title character, porn star Bucky Larson, responds to the bad news...
       

     
Oh I see. Bucky is a freakish man-child, and everyone else in the movie are actual, normal characters who have to help him grow up.
    

   
...No. I guess not. I guess everyone in this movie is an off-putting weirdo. Good thing they decided not to cast any big-name stars who might otherwise derail their careers...

   
Oh look. I see Don Johnson. Well, he got a paycheck out of it.
   

   
And of course, this would not be an Adam Sandler movie without an addled old lady who gets abused by people. I will be you three dollars that she gets run over by a car.
   
Well, this is clearly turning out to be a train wreck, but at least there were no A-list celebrities slumming it in the film. We can rest assured that none of our favorite actors had to endure the awfulness of this film.
     

   

Wednesday!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Vampire in Brooklyn came during a dark time in my life: Wes Craven's pre-Scream 90s output. The creator of some of my favorite horror films was in a serious funk, and while I usually argue that People Under the Stairs and New Nightmare are underappreciated, there really isn’t a lot to recommend here. But Im going to recommend stuff anyway. First of all, the supporting cast, filled with talented ringers like Mitch What’s-His-Name from X Files and Shocker.

Also, the make up and effects aren’t that bad either. While I was seriously disappointed with Eddie Murphy in this role, when his face vamped out, it went a long way toward making him less… insufferable.

Now how do we fix his accent? 

And Angela Bassett is beautiful and classy as always. Case in point: she has a beret.

Which now leads us to why this movie failed: Eddie Murphy. I have no idea if this was meant as a horror film or a comedy, and I have a distinct feeling that Eddie didn’t know either. The low points occur when he plays some side character in white face. Or Asian face. Thank God he didn’t bust out the fat suit.

The fault isn’t just at Eddie’s feet, though. All the attempts at humor fall flat, particularly the wisecracking zombie assistant who keeps losing body parts. Ugh.

WHAAAA...

I almost recommend this movie just to see how wrong-headed some of the creative decisions were. Eddie Murphy as Dracula doesn’t sound like a particularly promising idea, and the movie sinks to the level of its premise. Thank God Scream came along.

THE POWER WITHIN

THE POWER WITHIN

1995

Directed by Art Camacho

Written by Jacobsen Hart and Scott McAboy

Starring Ted Jan Roberts (from Milk), Karen Valentine and Keith Coogan (from Adventures in Babysitting)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A kid learns to harness his power within (trademark pending) by totally relying on a magic, butt-kicking ring. It would be like a weight-lifter learning to harness his inner strength through steroids.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Big chunks of this movie were filmed at Universal Studios, which was always more interesting than it was boring. It was still a little boring, though, especially the long stretches of time when you watch nameless people ride the rides and enjoy the hell out of them.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

None to speak of. Just a short teenage boy beating people up while everyone looks at him with their mouths agape. I have the sinking feeling this was written by a 12-year-old in crutches.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is a very dumb, low-budget endeavor, but the preteen nerd in all will undoubtedly find him- or herself cheering on the protagonist as he beats up random people. It is the simple things in life.

Half of the budget.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Nope. Not at all. But it does feature a main character from the Fox hit Glee.

Coach Bieste.

LEPRECHAUN (Part One)

MYTHOLOGY: Comes from Ireland. Doesn’t like four leaf clovers. His magic is tied to his gold. Obsessed with making shoes.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Jumping on the pawn shop owner with a pogo stick. Great product placement, too.

VERDICT: This movie will always have a soft spot in my heart. It hasn’t aged well over time, particularly Jennifer Aniston’s Valley Girl schtick and basically everything that comes out of her mouth. But the movie still rides a very fine line between horror and cheese that still works. It never forgets that it’s trying to be a fun, scary ride.

HOUSE OF FEARS

House of Fears is a 2007 slasher pic that I dug up on Netflix. It does not reinvent the wheel, but it is a fun ride nonetheless. The plot involves a magic African statue that brings your fears to life. And those fears include scarecrows, sand, and a pale bald guy. To each his own.

I enjoyed this film, particularly the middle section when our characters wandered around the abandoned amusement park like Scooby Doo characters. It was almost comedic how often they accidentally got split up. Those meddling kids!

Even better, this movie stars Canadian actor Corey Sevier, a former child star that people might recognize (but probably will not) from the Night in Terror Tower episode of Goosebumps. What what. He has grown up a lot since then. Especially his arms. And eyebrows.

He provides a good amount of wholesome Canadian beefcake during the many boring scenes of exposition. I found it hard to tell whether his character was a douche or a leading man, but it did not really matter. Especially with that grade-A eyebrow acting.

The movie itself follows the slasher formula to a T, a very very cliched T. That, coupled with death scenes that range from bland to oh-my-god-a-one-armed-scarecrow-is-attacking-me, makes this a not very good film. But points for beefcake. Plus, you cannot really go wrong with dumb teens exploring an abandoned amusement park. That is the stuff that dreams are made of.

BERSERK

Berserk has no gay characters, but it is camp in its purest form. This glorious, glorious film depicts a series of murders at a low-rent circus run by the makeup-caked, deathless corpse of late-career Joan Crawford. Who could be committing the murders? Could it be Joan herself, the ringmaster with drawn-on eyebrows that grow more suspicious-looking as the movie lurches forward? Could it be the angry dwarf with the weirdly inauthentic British accent? Or could it be any of the other sweaty, hammy actors slumming it as sweaty, hammy circus performers? The answer in revealed in the most sudden, jarring ending of any film I’ve ever seen.

But before we get to the ending, we have to sit through long stretches of actual circus performances. For example, there’s a five-minute-plus scene of dog tricks, peppered by audience reactions to illustrate how much more the film audience is enjoying this show than the real audience is. There are so many scenes of non-fatal circus performances, I felt like I had stumbled across a bad remake of the already-pretty-awful Greatest Show on Earth.

Those scenes are awful, but their needlessness in no way cancels out the apeshit insanity of the rest of the film, which is a long parade of huge performances, nonsensical drama, and circus-themed death scenes. This film is a spray can full of faux-cheese. Watch it if you want to fill up on empty calories.

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

STATS:

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

2007

Written and Directed by Scott Thomas

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan Thompson, Julianna Margules… Oh. Wait.

And the award for most unnecessary subtitle goes to...

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Take a wild guess.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Two in the chest, one in the balls. That’s what I say.

Is that you Bennett? Shit. Come on mothefucker. I wanna make sure you keep that shitty little grin on your face. All the way to hell!

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Zombies have sure become trendy lately. And why not? They are pretty much the all-purpose metaphor, and they’re freaking terrifying. The only reason I’m surprised by their recent resurrection in pop culture is the fact that most zombie movies have downer endings, and movies with downer endings are traditionally not as popular as happy ones.

Oh. Wait.

Apparently, that’s not enough to scare away the hordes of undead fans, though, so now we have movies like this one. Gnarly little horror-comedies with puns in their titles and budgets that range in the hundreds.

Another reason I really wanted to see this film was because of this guy, the skeevy weirdo from The Mummy. I cannot tell you why this guy seems like a perfect fit for a zombie movie...

It might be his face. And everything else about him.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

People are killed and mauled in a variety of ways in this impossibly large airplane. Also, the gore effects are pretty top-notch, especially for a movie that couldn’t afford a real scriptwriter. Hey now!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is exactly what you would expect. I mean, exactly what you would expect. It could’ve added a few more jokes, but the tone stays goofy the entire time, and the pacing is pretty quick. This is a fun night of brain-deadery.

CRITTERS 3

Here's a fun fact that many of my readers might not know. I'm actually Leonardo DiCaprio. I get tired of making award-winning movies and talking to other famous people about global warming, so I write this gay-themed horror blog to unwind.

The second thing you might not know about me is that I got my start pre-What's-Eating-Gilbert-Grape by starring in Critters 3, otherwise known as the second sequel to a Gremlins-ripoff that no one remembers. From there, I transitioned into more legit movies, such as The Aviator and The Beach and the upcoming J. Edgar.

Now, if you are a Leonardo DiCaprio fan, then you should probably stay away from this horrid, horrid film. If you are a Leonardo DiCaprio SUPER-fan, however, then please watch me get my start in the biz. It's sort of like witnessing a really uncomfortable-looking childbirth, only the child is my career and the birth is this film, and the vagina is cinema, I guess.

HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING

STATS:
HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING
1995
Directed by, written by, and starring Clive Turner (a modern day Orson Welles)

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Not a lot. There are more scenes of line-dancing than werewolf violence, hence the film's original name: Howling VII: Please Don’t Watch This Because It’s All About Line Dancing. Actually, the film depicts a small town panicking after a body is found. The townspeople suspect werewolves because they are townspeople, and thus extremely stupid. A red-haired cowboy from Australia saves the day. And… that’s about it.

WHAT YOU SAY?
[Last lines of the film] "Oh, we thank you so much for this beautiful benefit. Thank all of our neighbors and our friends and Ted, we're sorry. I was looking at Pappy with that tail on his hat and I thought about a song that I wrote just for him and the cleaning lady."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I always, always, always wanted to see this film. I had heard that this was the worst werewolf movie ever made. I heard it had some truly nonsensical dialogue between non actors. I heard it made people’s eyes bleed. I just HAD to see it.

I also knew that it was written, produced, and directed by its Australian star, who got the part because he happened to be a minor character in two of the other Howling sequels. I love those kind of auteur-driven films, because they’re usually bad in a very self-indulgent way. And that, my friends, is the best kind of bad. Also, he looked like this:

Before I saw this man, I had no idea why

us red-heads always got such a bad rap.

More topically, I wanted to spotlight this film because I knew there was an upcoming sequel-slash-reboot of the franchise. It looks similarly awful, but it’s clearly targeting the teenage demo, instead of the living-in-a-ghost-town-and-cooking-meth demo.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
This film uses actual townspeople at a small, rustic ghost town. Let me repeat: real people who still live in a ghost town. There is no nudity and I am so, so grateful.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
There is a grand total of two legit murder scenes, and both of those aren’t worth mixed nuts. More egregiously, there is very little werewolf action. The glimpses of werewolf that we go catch are so poorly computer-animated (ahh, the 90s) that you gotta thank the stars that the lighting is so bad.

Pictured: the werewolf mid-attack

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Perhaps the creepiest, most atmospheric scene in the whole film involves line dancing. And absolutely no danger whatsoever. Just line dancing. If that doesn’t pique your interest… then I don’t blame you. Because this film is really dull.

OK. IS IT GAY?
No. Thank God. It’s as gay as Larry the Cable Guy… and only half as scary.

Seriously. This film has a reputation for being so-bad-it’s-good. Don’t believe the rumors. This is way too boring to be fun. It’s like watching an episode of MST3K without the talking robots.

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE

STATS:

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE

1984

Starring Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Charleton Heston, Patrick Stewart, and Sir Lawrence Olivier as Jethro

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Magic wind causes blood-spitting zombies. And bad acting. And kung fu scenes.

And forehead lightning, apparently.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Not another kung fu scene!"

R. Lee Ermy and Annie Potts had great chemistry together.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

No. It is not. As far as I know, this film has no cult following. I had never heard about it until I saw a  weirdly sticky VHS copy at a thrift store in Topock, Arizona. Since then, I have tried to share this film with the world. My life's goal is to be the Typhoid Mary of Bloodsuckers from Outer Space fandom.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not so much, which is for the best. All the characters look like they were played be regional theater actors from Colorado City, Utah.

And just as hospitable.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Yes. The hugely entertaining teaser at the beginning of the film really sets the stage for gore. A farmer stands downwind from an evil gust of... wind, and then starts throwing up fake blood for two minutes.

It's a slow build, this film.

Of course, it wouldn't be a zombie film without severed limbs, which leads us to the following screen capture:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was

an arm. Note the beautiful shirt fabric.

PLOT HOLES:

Not a single one. This film is thoroughly researched and strikingly realistic in its depiction of the inner city problems of 80s-era urban youth.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I present to you a beheading, without any explanation:

OK. IS IT GAY?

Oh God no. You straights can keep this one. We shall just watch and silently mock.