VALENTINE

Valentine's Day just happened, and you know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. I'm still in a Reese's-induced sugar coma. It also means that I get the chance to talk about one of my least favorite guilty pleasures, the Denise-Richards-getting-harpooned-to-death slashfest Valentine.

Now, full disclosure: I have a soft spot in my heart for this movie, and there are two reasons why: First, it is the only Katherine Heigl movie that I can bother sitting through all the way (besides Bride of Chucky or Wish upon a Star). I enjoy the fact that she gets murdered at the very beginning. Such is my hatred for Katherine Heigl.

And secondly, it was a date movie for me. One of my first. I was in junior high; I was really nervous. It didn’t go well. But… I look back on that memory fondly. And ironically.

Aside from that, Valentine doesn’t have a lot to recommend. It came at the tail end of the late-90s slasher resurgence, and it comes across as stale and perfunctory. The final revelation is really dumb. And the acting (except for dead-eyed superbitch Denise Richards) is subpar. It’s not campy enough to be enjoyable, nor legit enough to be watchable. It’s just sort of there, limping along through wildly implausible death scenes at multi-media art installations and dimly lit mansions. Even David Boreanaz is weirdly charisma-free (and I don’t mean Carpenter).

But considering all that, I still would recommend it. It’s like a time capsule. It’s a quaint little window into the horror trends at the turn of the millennium. It’s basically the perfect distillation of everything that was wrong with horror movies at that time. The bad plotting, the hyper-verbal yet completely unnatural dialog, the long scenes of exposition, the dozens of unnecessary red herrings. Watch this and you’ll remember what it was like in the late-90s, early-2000s. For some people, that’s reason enough to sit through this dreck.

If you don’t, this lady will cut you.

MONSTER HOUSE

         

MONSTER HOUSE

2006

        

The Polar Express is creepy. Like, waaaay creepy. It's the only movie that has ever been able to make Tom Hanks come across as a dead-eyed homeless pedophile (and I've seen Turner and Hooch). There are so many things wrong with the character design of that movie, and it all boils down to a technology that just wasn't quite ready to create humans.

          

I won't go on and on about the uncanny valley and whatnot, because those who've seen The Polar Express know what I mean. Everything looks almost normal, but there's just something really really wrong with the motion capture animation, so much so that not even a Hanksian tidal wave of charm can compensate for those dead, dead eyes.

      

So when Monster House reared it ugly head, complete with Robert Zemeckis as an executive producer and Image Movers as the production studio, I was not at all interested. I love animated movies, traditional and computer, but this wasn't either. It was something else. And I thought it would be ugly.
            
So years passed and I forgot about this movie. Beowulf came and went. Mars Needs Moms crashed and burned. And then a funny thing happened. I got really into Community, the NBC sitcom that has breathed new life into a dying television network. Community is currently my favorite show on television, and it's created by the inimitable Dan Harmon. The man's a genius, but from all accounts he's not the easiest guy to work with. (He's the only showrunner I've heard of to get kicked off of TWO shows that he co-created. Or something. I try not to follow Twitter nonsense.)
                 
Anyway, Dan Harmon co-wrote Monster House, so that fun tidbit immediately piqued my interest. Would this little cartoon be as witty and meta as Community? Would its script outweight any motion capture creepiness? I had to find out.
                   

                         
So when I sat down to watch this movie, I was all prepared to focus in on the jokes and dialogue and plotting, which, admitted, were all pretty great. (There's a killer uvula joke about halfway through.) Most of the dialogue really lands, and the characters are never less-than-genuine. It's a fun, heartfelt movie.
               
But what I really took away from this viewing experience is that the animation works! Motion capture works! The characters are all cartoony enough that it doesn't come across as dead-faced robots and Heidi Klums lurching through the film. Like any good cartoon, these characters are like real people, except not. This one movie singlehandedly reignited my faith in motion capture technology.
                       
Not only that, it actually turned me into a fan. I'd never seen so many beautiful, soaring camera angles on a cartoon before. The entire film is kinetic and cinematic and special. It really really soars. I don't know what this movie does differently from something like Beowulf and Polar Express. Maybe it comes down to having characters that don't try to look too human. Maybe it embraces the artificiality of the medium in a way that the others don't. Whatever it is, this is a gorgeous film. Who knew!
               

And that Chowder character.

That's basically every kid's first best friend.

DYING BREED

STATS:

DYING BREED

2008

Directed by Jody Dywer (Is that the world's worst pen name, or the world's best real name?)

Starring Leigh Whannell (Insidious, Saw) and Nathan Phillips (Wolf Creek)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A researcher disappears in the Tasmanian jungle looking for some Tasmanian Tiger thing, so her sister and a few friends follow her footsteps to try to figure out what happened. And what did happen? Cannibals. A well organized network of local cannibals that might be related to a historical serial killer and (bestiality alert) the Tasmanian Tiger itself. Freaking Australians.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I wanted to watch this movie because of my love-hate relationship with Australian horror cinema. (For your homework assignment, watch Razorback, Rogue, Wolf Creek, and Dead-End Drive-In and try to figure out which movies go in the love column and which go in the hate column.) I also knew this one involved cannibals, so it could be glorious or awful. On a scale of Wrong Turn 1 to Wrong Turn 3, I had my fingers crossed that it would end up being closer to Wrong Turn 1.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity of interest. Whannell and Phillips are both handsome, by the way, in an off-kilter kind of way.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Fingers get bitten off. Whannell gets all bloodied. And there are computer animated dingo things. Nothing to write home about.

POSSIBLE DRINKING GAME:Take a shot every time someone mentions The Pie-Man. You will get DRUNK. And not at all scared, because holy crap that is a stupid name for a mass murderer.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This isn’t horrible, but I was hoping for something ape-shit insane, like the Down Under version of The Hills Have Eyes Part II. Instead, I got something that was a little gory, a little creepy, but none too memorable. That finger-eating girl was pretty scary though. And the scenery makes me really want to visit Tasmania. With a large group of people, of course.

ARGH! PIE MAN!

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

STATS:

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

Unreleased

Directed by Jonathan Levine (The Wackness, 50/50)

Starring Amber Heard, Anson Mount, a kid from Twilight

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Mandy Lane

and a group of friends engage in all sorts of illegal activities at a secluded ranch house. Of course, they start getting picked off one-by-one. Could it be connected to the accidental death of their friend nine months earlier? Is there some dark secret involving our title vixen and the power she holds over all the men in the film? Is there a bad-ass twist ending? Yes, yes, and hell yes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

An infamously unreleased horror gem from 2007, this movie has been on my list of movies to see since I saw its first trailer years ago. The trailer was so good, in fact, that I would go to Youtube and rewatch it every few months. Well, the last time I did, I saw that the movie itself had sneaked onto the internet. Needless to say, I was there!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes. One of the teens is particularly James Dean-y. But why do the cutest ones get murdered first?

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The film maintains its off-kilter, indie tone throughout, slowly doling out sudden, jarring death scenes to keep us on our toes. My favorite involves a knife slash to the eyes. There isn’t a lot of gore in the movie (about half the murdered kids get shot), but there’s certainly enough caked on blood by the end to make this film feel grimy and grindhousey. And did I mention a knife slash to the eyes?

OK. IS IT GAY?

There are possible lesbian undertones about halfway through. In a lesser movie, this would seem exploitative. In this movie, though, it added another layer to our enigmatic teen, coloring the ending in an interesting new light.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I loved this movie. It has the bare bones of a slasher film, but it’s all gussied up and dressed in indie clothes. The music is pure post-Wes-Anderson melancholy, the cinematography is low budget and beautiful, and the plot moseys along in such an unexpected and rambling way.

The non-death-scenes don’t feel obligatory. Instead, they’re filled with little character moments that make even the unlikable characters seem genuine. The bitchy blonde girl, for example, has a wordless scene where she takes off her stuffed bra and gives herself a long, sad look in the mirror. See? Even the nude scenes have something to say about each character.

While I wouldn’t say I was ever truly afraid during this film, I was always enthralled. Some of the best films can have some slow patches, and while this film is often slow, it never feels that way. It’s the kind of movie that sucks you into its groove and carries you along till the end.

Happy V-Day. I love you all.

Love,

Axl    

LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD

MYTHOLOGY: No magic flute. Not a lot of crazy powers. Just gold, near-invincibility, and super-strength (for his size anyway). This is a stripped down Leprechaun, and I appreciated the change from the last film.

Also, we get a little explanation about the other leprechauns. Apparently, this guy is the last of his kind. Which is for the best, apparently.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Someone gets stabbed by a bong. Bong water turns red with blood. How come no other movie has thought of this before?

VERDICT: This is perhaps the most inept movie in the series, and it’s no surprise that they stopped with this one, but holy crap is it more fun than the previous installment. It adds some necessary physical comedy (pot-related, of course), and the main characters actually have some real-world issues besides “I want to be a rapper, maybe.” I think this installment definitely gets a bad rap. But it’s soundtrack is filled with bad rap, so I guess it’s fitting.

LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

MYTHOLOGY: The magic necklace that turns the Leprechaun into stone is back. (Last seen in part 3.) The Leprechaun now has a magic flute. He is also stronger than in previous installments, controlling people’s minds and making their hearts explode.

WORST DEATH SCENE: Anything involving the transsexual character is mean-spirited and depressing. Not cool, Leprechaun. Not cool.

BEST SONG: This movie ends on a serious high note as the surprisingly victorious title character raps. Lep in the hood come to do no good! It’s not exactly Tupac, but whatever.

VERDICT: My least favorite installment in the series. I didn’t enjoy watching this movie, even if individual scenes are fun and clever. The acting was passible, and the Coolio cameo was the most random thing to ever happen in this series, but the trouble-making, anarchic vibe of the previous installments in mostly lacking.

Then again, the rap number…

THE COTTAGE

STATS:

THE COTTAGE

2008

Directed by Paul Andrew Williams

Written by Paul Andrew Williams

Starring Andy Serkis, Reece Shearsmith and Jennifer Ellison

Gollum.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A crime drama turns into a comedy which turns into a straight up slasher film. Half the fun of this movie is watching the plot go in random directions, so I won't give anything away. But I would just say that it definitely satisfies as a horror movie by the end. And it has a final scene that is brilliant.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"That’s chlorophyll for you."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

There is nothing special about this movie. I have no idea how I heard about it. It was probably just recommended to me by the internet robots working behind the scenes at Netflix. Either way, I had no expectations going in, and was shocked by pretty much everything that happened.

Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice, aka a British person

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Plenty of gore scenes, some funny, some really really nasty. But whenever a knife or bear trap comes out, it hurts the characters in ways that you don't see coming. Like this scene, where the main character slowly puts his face closer and closer to the keyhole. Just try to guess what happens...

Seriously. Guess. I'll wait.

Nope. That is incorrect.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity to speak of. This film is strictly about the slapstick violence.

And sexual chemistry

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Some people might have heard about this film because of the cameo by Pinhead himself, looking particularly less Gothic. In that case, great. He is a fine actor. If that piques your interest enough to rent the movie, go for it. But don't expect him to do anything pivotal to the plot. It's sort of like that Robert Englund cameo at the beginning of Hatchet.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
This movie was a joy to watch, start to finish, possibly because it starts going in one direction and makes at least three hilarious and gruesome left turns throughout its quick, breezy run-time. Thank you, Netfix robots, for turning me on to such a fun movie, and for also telling me absolutely nothing about what happens. That makes the journey even more special.

SOUTH PARK: Woodland Critter Christmas

The greatest Christmas special ever made, bar none. Hail Satan and happy holidays, from the makers of South Park.

HOUSE OF FEARS

House of Fears is a 2007 slasher pic that I dug up on Netflix. It does not reinvent the wheel, but it is a fun ride nonetheless. The plot involves a magic African statue that brings your fears to life. And those fears include scarecrows, sand, and a pale bald guy. To each his own.

I enjoyed this film, particularly the middle section when our characters wandered around the abandoned amusement park like Scooby Doo characters. It was almost comedic how often they accidentally got split up. Those meddling kids!

Even better, this movie stars Canadian actor Corey Sevier, a former child star that people might recognize (but probably will not) from the Night in Terror Tower episode of Goosebumps. What what. He has grown up a lot since then. Especially his arms. And eyebrows.

He provides a good amount of wholesome Canadian beefcake during the many boring scenes of exposition. I found it hard to tell whether his character was a douche or a leading man, but it did not really matter. Especially with that grade-A eyebrow acting.

The movie itself follows the slasher formula to a T, a very very cliched T. That, coupled with death scenes that range from bland to oh-my-god-a-one-armed-scarecrow-is-attacking-me, makes this a not very good film. But points for beefcake. Plus, you cannot really go wrong with dumb teens exploring an abandoned amusement park. That is the stuff that dreams are made of.

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

STATS:

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

2007

Written and Directed by Scott Thomas

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan Thompson, Julianna Margules… Oh. Wait.

And the award for most unnecessary subtitle goes to...

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Take a wild guess.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Two in the chest, one in the balls. That’s what I say.

Is that you Bennett? Shit. Come on mothefucker. I wanna make sure you keep that shitty little grin on your face. All the way to hell!

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Zombies have sure become trendy lately. And why not? They are pretty much the all-purpose metaphor, and they’re freaking terrifying. The only reason I’m surprised by their recent resurrection in pop culture is the fact that most zombie movies have downer endings, and movies with downer endings are traditionally not as popular as happy ones.

Oh. Wait.

Apparently, that’s not enough to scare away the hordes of undead fans, though, so now we have movies like this one. Gnarly little horror-comedies with puns in their titles and budgets that range in the hundreds.

Another reason I really wanted to see this film was because of this guy, the skeevy weirdo from The Mummy. I cannot tell you why this guy seems like a perfect fit for a zombie movie...

It might be his face. And everything else about him.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

People are killed and mauled in a variety of ways in this impossibly large airplane. Also, the gore effects are pretty top-notch, especially for a movie that couldn’t afford a real scriptwriter. Hey now!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is exactly what you would expect. I mean, exactly what you would expect. It could’ve added a few more jokes, but the tone stays goofy the entire time, and the pacing is pretty quick. This is a fun night of brain-deadery.

KILLER MOVIE

STATS:

KILLER MOVIE

2008

Written and Directed by Jeff Fisher

Starring Leighton Meester, Paul Wesley, Kaley Cuoco, Jason London, and Robert Buckley (basically anyone who has ever been on the WB or the CW)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A film crew gets picked off one-by-one by a masked killed with a pair of scissors. It’s a period drama.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Sadly, I was expecting this film to have a lot of one-liners. It doesn’t. But I did like the retarded final line: It’s a bullet-proof vest!

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I grew up in the 90s, so I have a soft (some might say defective) part of my heart for teen slasher movies with a long list of red herrings and beautiful 30-something actors. This feels like a throw-back to the halcyon days of the late-90s when things like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer were green lit just because it had a snarky script, some deaths, and boobs.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film has a lot of very good looking actors and actresses, but very little actual nudity. We do, however, see the long-awaited return of Al Santos, the oft-shirtless actor from the WB’s teen soap spoof Grosse Point. Even when he’s fully clothed, he’s still, you know, this guy…

We also have one of the London twins (I was too lazy to look up which one), who used to be the next big thing. I am glad they get steady work on movies like these.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The killer mostly uses a pair of scissors, which is pretty unique, though not completely unprecedented. I also enjoyed his ingenuity, and the gore effects weren’t too shabby. A lot of severed heads flopping around. God bless them.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

The final reveal (as well as the reality-TV-style testimonials) seemed to come from a completely different movie, one that viciously lampooned Hollywood. This movie has a glimmer here and there, but it certainly doesn’t take enough jabs at the industry to be funny or interesting. And as far as the testimonials, I’ve seen better.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, there’s a lesbian producer, but she’s pretty much living the bitchy, alpha-female stereotype. Like I said, this film isn’t much of a comedy. If it had played up its camp value just a little bit more, it would have definite appeal to the gay demo. Also, shirtlessness. There seemed to be a serious lack of any titillation for a slasher film. All I can say is this is a big case of missed opportunities. But it’s also fun and brainless, like one Mr. Al Santos.

S1M0NE

STATS:

S1m0ne

2002

Written, Produced and Directed by Andrew Niccol

Starring Al Pacino, Catherine Keener, a Evan Rachel Wood, a hologram

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ever wondered what Frankenstein would look like as a navel-gazing Hollywood satire? Well, neither did the rest of the world. S1m0ne is a comedy about a down-on-his-luck director who invents an actress out of a computer simulation. The world falls in love with the actress, and it ruins his life.

There’s a lot of shouting, too. Obviously.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"God created little furry animals to be worn."

"Have you ever actually HAD dolphin? Pan-fried, with a little garlic and fennel."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film is a fascinating failure, a big budget comedy starring A-list talent that arrived DOA at the box office. It has the stink of being a pompous Hollywood satire that is of no interest to anyone outside of LA County. Naturally, I wanted to see it.

Admittedly, it’s not exactly a horror film, or a gay film, but it has its roots in sci-fi, and gay audiences usually respond positively to clever satires that gently poke fun at the establishment (Heathers, Pretty Persuasion, Death to Smoochy). And it certainly helps that the star of Heathers (Winona Ryder) and the star of Pretty Persuasion (Evan Rachel Wood) and the star of Death to Smoochy (Catherine Keener) round out this universally stellar cast.

Aside from the title character,

who really is played by a robot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Like most satires, S1m0ne thinks it’s smarter than it really is, but I still recommend it. Consistently funny and only slightly pompous, this film takes a really dumb premise and uses it the best way it can: to show us how very, very stupid we are regarding celebrity worship.

No comment.

SLITHER

Is Slither a horror film? No. And I think that's why it wasn't as popular as it should've been. This is firmly in the comedy zone, even moreso than its spiritual ancestor Night of the Creeps. It doesn't attempt to be scary or atmospheric. But it rises above the Scary Movie 4 School of Suckage by taking its characters seriously and raising the stakes in a natural, believable way. You care about these people, even the reprehensible ones, and you want to know what happens to them. And by "you," I mean "me," because I have no idea if you have the same sensibilities as I do.

Which explains the other reason why this film was a big ol' flop: the target audience must be really really low. Sure, horror fans are a vocal bunch, and when we want to, we go to the movies in droves. But horror-comedy fans come from a slightly narrower bracket, because this implies that you're a horror fan, but that you don't absolutely HAVE to have shocks or suspense to have a good time. It's like finding a rollercoaster fan who likes riding them for the heights. I am a huge supporter of horror-comedies, but I understand why so many people aren't. It's a specific style, and you gotta be on the right wavelength. And by "you," I mean "you" this time. Go see Slither.

No reason to use this picture. I just enjoy the undertones.

DANCE OF THE DEAD

STATS:

Dance of the Dead

2008

Director: Gregg Bishop

Writer: Joe Ballarini

Starring: Jared Kusnitz, Greyson Chadwick, Chandler Darby

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A prom gets attacked by zombies and the outcasts have to band together to save the day. That, my friends, is the perfect movie premise.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I bought this DVD for cheap because I love zombie horror-comedies, I love high school movies, and I recognized that main kid from an episode of Community.

In Community, he wasn’t armed.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not a lot. These are kids, and what’s so great about this film is that they really look like they’re high-school-aged. They aren’t like the chiseled 30-somethings who star in typical high school horror movies. They look real, so that’s the trade-off we get. No nudity, but characters who seem real. I’m fine with that.

(In fact, one actor looks like he’s about thirty, and another character refers to him as that one high school kid who looks a lot older than he should’ve. We all had one in our schools. In my school, that kid was named Kramer.)

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Like all good zombie films, there is plenty of both blood and guts to keep the gorehounds properly drenched. Of particular note is a scene where two horny teenagers (who both are turning into zombies) start making out in a bathroom stall. Their make-out session quickly turns into a feast as they eat pieces of each other. (There was a similar scene in an episode of Supernatural a few years back.)

Even better, though, is that the zombie make-up is really, really good. Direct-to-DVD affairs like this are notoriously hit-and-miss, but this one is a definite hit.

Why you need to be choosy when receiving oral.

OK. IS IT GAY?

This is one of the films that I had in mind when I first thought of blogging. This is a film without any explicit gay content, but its sensibilities as very much in line with gay horror fans.

Good job, Dance of the Dead. You’re prom royalty

AMUSEMENT

AMUSEMENT

2008

Directed by John Simpson

Written by Jake Wade Wall

Starring Katheryn Winnick, Laura Breckenridge and Jessica Lucas

Not really. Is it supposed to be?

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, three things happened, really. This is an anthology film based on three separate urban legends. One involves a young couple driving into a dark forest because a stranger told them to take a short cut. The second involves a babysitter getting stalked by a killer in a clown costume. And the third involves a girl getting sewn inside a bed at the world's creepiest bed and breakfast. They all involve the same killer, a giggling lunatic who was teased by our three main characters in elementary school. One girl gets away and explains the moral of the movie in the most pointless narration possible. I guess we all learned something, then.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"It’s funny, right?"

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I have never heard about this movie. Ive never known anyone who has seen this movie. But it has been recommended to me by Netflix over and over again for the past year. Apparently, it really wanted me to see this film. So I finally clicked on the goofy clown face (MST3K reference).

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Yes, there are death scenes. And yes, they are extremely elaborate and impossible. Case in point, this Victrola kills someone:

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

There are a few scantily clad women running around in their bras and panties. That goes with the territory. On the male side, though? Nothin’. There is the giggling killer, of course. Hes not exactly a rugged fellow (though his IMDb photo makes him look pretty handsome). And the two boyfriends don’t really get an opportunities to shine… or go around shirtless. It’s a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Urban Legend is one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures. I love watching people get horribly murdered via urban legends. I also really like anthology films and wish they were more popular with the general public. Based on those criteria, I'd say this film would be right up my alley. And for the most part, it is. But there's also the stink of missed opportunities in every scene. It’s not nearly as awesome as it could’ve been.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not even. If it dialed up the camp factor, then maybe. Lord knows the premise is campy enough. But as it is, this is a lukewarm hetero journey into cheap scares and minimal suspense. That said, I like the clown costume. It’s cute.