VALENTINE

Valentine's Day just happened, and you know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. I'm still in a Reese's-induced sugar coma. It also means that I get the chance to talk about one of my least favorite guilty pleasures, the Denise-Richards-getting-harpooned-to-death slashfest Valentine.

Now, full disclosure: I have a soft spot in my heart for this movie, and there are two reasons why: First, it is the only Katherine Heigl movie that I can bother sitting through all the way (besides Bride of Chucky or Wish upon a Star). I enjoy the fact that she gets murdered at the very beginning. Such is my hatred for Katherine Heigl.

And secondly, it was a date movie for me. One of my first. I was in junior high; I was really nervous. It didn’t go well. But… I look back on that memory fondly. And ironically.

Aside from that, Valentine doesn’t have a lot to recommend. It came at the tail end of the late-90s slasher resurgence, and it comes across as stale and perfunctory. The final revelation is really dumb. And the acting (except for dead-eyed superbitch Denise Richards) is subpar. It’s not campy enough to be enjoyable, nor legit enough to be watchable. It’s just sort of there, limping along through wildly implausible death scenes at multi-media art installations and dimly lit mansions. Even David Boreanaz is weirdly charisma-free (and I don’t mean Carpenter).

But considering all that, I still would recommend it. It’s like a time capsule. It’s a quaint little window into the horror trends at the turn of the millennium. It’s basically the perfect distillation of everything that was wrong with horror movies at that time. The bad plotting, the hyper-verbal yet completely unnatural dialog, the long scenes of exposition, the dozens of unnecessary red herrings. Watch this and you’ll remember what it was like in the late-90s, early-2000s. For some people, that’s reason enough to sit through this dreck.

If you don’t, this lady will cut you.

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

STATS:

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

Unreleased

Directed by Jonathan Levine (The Wackness, 50/50)

Starring Amber Heard, Anson Mount, a kid from Twilight

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Mandy Lane

and a group of friends engage in all sorts of illegal activities at a secluded ranch house. Of course, they start getting picked off one-by-one. Could it be connected to the accidental death of their friend nine months earlier? Is there some dark secret involving our title vixen and the power she holds over all the men in the film? Is there a bad-ass twist ending? Yes, yes, and hell yes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

An infamously unreleased horror gem from 2007, this movie has been on my list of movies to see since I saw its first trailer years ago. The trailer was so good, in fact, that I would go to Youtube and rewatch it every few months. Well, the last time I did, I saw that the movie itself had sneaked onto the internet. Needless to say, I was there!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes. One of the teens is particularly James Dean-y. But why do the cutest ones get murdered first?

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The film maintains its off-kilter, indie tone throughout, slowly doling out sudden, jarring death scenes to keep us on our toes. My favorite involves a knife slash to the eyes. There isn’t a lot of gore in the movie (about half the murdered kids get shot), but there’s certainly enough caked on blood by the end to make this film feel grimy and grindhousey. And did I mention a knife slash to the eyes?

OK. IS IT GAY?

There are possible lesbian undertones about halfway through. In a lesser movie, this would seem exploitative. In this movie, though, it added another layer to our enigmatic teen, coloring the ending in an interesting new light.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I loved this movie. It has the bare bones of a slasher film, but it’s all gussied up and dressed in indie clothes. The music is pure post-Wes-Anderson melancholy, the cinematography is low budget and beautiful, and the plot moseys along in such an unexpected and rambling way.

The non-death-scenes don’t feel obligatory. Instead, they’re filled with little character moments that make even the unlikable characters seem genuine. The bitchy blonde girl, for example, has a wordless scene where she takes off her stuffed bra and gives herself a long, sad look in the mirror. See? Even the nude scenes have something to say about each character.

While I wouldn’t say I was ever truly afraid during this film, I was always enthralled. Some of the best films can have some slow patches, and while this film is often slow, it never feels that way. It’s the kind of movie that sucks you into its groove and carries you along till the end.

Arthur’s Quest

I like how the catchphrase at the top is

basically just an explanation of the plot.

Arthur’s Quest

1999

Directed by Neil Mandt

Starring Eric Christian Olsen, Arye Gross, Catherine Oxenberg, and Zach Galligan (!)

This guy plays the king of Engliand. He grew a beard for the role.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Merlin, Arthur, and Morgana travel through time and end up in late-20^th-century southern California, where Arthur grows up to be a blonde skater who complains that he never fits in, even though he looks exactly like male model Eric Christian Olsen (Not Another Teen Movie, NCIS: The Other One). Merlin, who is an epic bumbler played by our fourth favorite character actor Arye Gross, tries to get Arthur (aka Artie, har har) to accept his fate and retrieve Excalibur.

Morgana is now the evil sex-bomb principal of the school. You know she’s evil, because she’s the only one who retained her British accent after the time jump. Artie finally comes to his senses and realizes that he’s King Arthur (duh) after his girlfriend gets kidnapped by the principal’s bodyguards. After a ten-second sword fight and a nifty little deus ex machina dispatches Morgana and her ill-defined plan for world domination, Artie and his friends all travel back to Medieval Times (the time period, not the theme restaurant). And the world is once again safe from Morgana and massive plot holes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is a late-90s direct-to-video effort aimed directly at children. After sitting through an ill-advised Saw marathon with a few friends (Too many body parts! Too many body parts!), I decided to cleanse my pop culture pallet with something wholesome and stupid.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Well, the movie stars Eric Christian Olsen, who grew up to become this…

But right now, he’s supposed to be a little nerdy and a lot underage. So… let’s not be gross here.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I hate movies where the villain's plan for world domination makes no sense. I also hate movies that end with a final battle where you don’t quite know the rules, but you assume the bad guy has no way of winning. Both those things are true about this film, but it’s really hard to hate something so doofy and well-meaning. Especially if Clint Howard is in it for no reason whatsoever.



Is This a Horror Movie: CHRONICLE

Watching the movie Chronicle (which I liked very much) made me ponder a few questions. (i.e. Will there be a sequel?) But one question that really stood out is one that I should have asked myself a long time ago: What exactly is a horror movie?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no genre is more contentious than horror movies. If a good horror film comes out (Silence of the Lambs, for example, or The Shining), a sizable chunk of the film's fans will shout from the top of their lungs that it's not a horror movie at all. It's actually a "psychological thriller" or even a, gulp, "action drama." Why? Why do people make such a distinction? The underlying premise is that those movies aren't horror movies because they're TOO GOOD to be horror movies. They couldn't possibly be on the same shelf as Jason X or Leprechaun: Back to da Hood.

People don't say that about other genres. Just because When Harry Met Sally is 1000 times better than the latest Katherine Heigl abomination doesn't mean that When Harry Met Sally is suddenly not a romantic comedy anymore. Why do people say that Silence of the Lambs is suddenly not a horror film because there aren't enough shocks or decapitations? Stop splitting hairs and subdividing genres and accept that the horror umbrella has enough room for Saw VI and Rosemary's Baby, just like the sci-fi umbrella has enough room for both Solaris and Zardoz.

Which brings us back to Chronicle. Clearly, there's some sci-fi element going on, but there's not much actual SCIENCE in this FICTION because everything goes unexplained. So yeah, sure, this movie is arguably science fiction. However, looking at the tone of the movie, and the amount of carnage and death involved (spoiler, I guess), does this count as a horror film too? We don't really see any corpses, and the director doesn't tease us with sudden jumps or scares. But the entire movie is soaking in an ever-increasing dread. We know the main character is sliding more and more into the dark side. We know there will be murders involved. We're watching this train wreck happen in ultra-slo-mo, and it is, for all intents and purposes, horrific. So yeah, despite the sci-fi trappings, I would absolutely group this in the horror camp. It's just as much a horror movie as Carrie, because it uses a similar story structure and accomplishes the same sense of dread. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

CHRONICLE

My new favorite poster. Take that, Precious.

Every few years, you catch a movie that is so perfectly on your wavelength, you half-wonder if it was written by your more talented evil twin. For me, Chronicle is that movie. A found-footage mash-up of teen angst, telekinetic power, unintentional homoeroticism, and high school issues: that is pretty much a comprehensive list of the themes that I would totally write a movie about.

The gay kid from In Treatment stars as a high school senior who gains superpowers and slowly lets them turn him into a power-mad supervillain. This is the superhero movie that Hancock or Kick Ass only wish they were. It's closer in tone and scope to the British show Misfits, except without the raunchiness and time travel.

The acting is extremely naturalistic, so much so that the "home movie" gimmick fades away and you feel like you're watching a trio of normal kids from your hometown. I keep using second person here because I really really want YOU to watch this movie. I won't go so far as to call it our generation's Carrie, but it definitely taps into the wounded teen in all of us, the scared kid that would lash out at the world if he only had the power.





HOUSE OF FEARS

House of Fears is a 2007 slasher pic that I dug up on Netflix. It does not reinvent the wheel, but it is a fun ride nonetheless. The plot involves a magic African statue that brings your fears to life. And those fears include scarecrows, sand, and a pale bald guy. To each his own.

I enjoyed this film, particularly the middle section when our characters wandered around the abandoned amusement park like Scooby Doo characters. It was almost comedic how often they accidentally got split up. Those meddling kids!

Even better, this movie stars Canadian actor Corey Sevier, a former child star that people might recognize (but probably will not) from the Night in Terror Tower episode of Goosebumps. What what. He has grown up a lot since then. Especially his arms. And eyebrows.

He provides a good amount of wholesome Canadian beefcake during the many boring scenes of exposition. I found it hard to tell whether his character was a douche or a leading man, but it did not really matter. Especially with that grade-A eyebrow acting.

The movie itself follows the slasher formula to a T, a very very cliched T. That, coupled with death scenes that range from bland to oh-my-god-a-one-armed-scarecrow-is-attacking-me, makes this a not very good film. But points for beefcake. Plus, you cannot really go wrong with dumb teens exploring an abandoned amusement park. That is the stuff that dreams are made of.

KILLER MOVIE

STATS:

KILLER MOVIE

2008

Written and Directed by Jeff Fisher

Starring Leighton Meester, Paul Wesley, Kaley Cuoco, Jason London, and Robert Buckley (basically anyone who has ever been on the WB or the CW)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A film crew gets picked off one-by-one by a masked killed with a pair of scissors. It’s a period drama.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Sadly, I was expecting this film to have a lot of one-liners. It doesn’t. But I did like the retarded final line: It’s a bullet-proof vest!

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I grew up in the 90s, so I have a soft (some might say defective) part of my heart for teen slasher movies with a long list of red herrings and beautiful 30-something actors. This feels like a throw-back to the halcyon days of the late-90s when things like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer were green lit just because it had a snarky script, some deaths, and boobs.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film has a lot of very good looking actors and actresses, but very little actual nudity. We do, however, see the long-awaited return of Al Santos, the oft-shirtless actor from the WB’s teen soap spoof Grosse Point. Even when he’s fully clothed, he’s still, you know, this guy…

We also have one of the London twins (I was too lazy to look up which one), who used to be the next big thing. I am glad they get steady work on movies like these.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The killer mostly uses a pair of scissors, which is pretty unique, though not completely unprecedented. I also enjoyed his ingenuity, and the gore effects weren’t too shabby. A lot of severed heads flopping around. God bless them.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

The final reveal (as well as the reality-TV-style testimonials) seemed to come from a completely different movie, one that viciously lampooned Hollywood. This movie has a glimmer here and there, but it certainly doesn’t take enough jabs at the industry to be funny or interesting. And as far as the testimonials, I’ve seen better.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, there’s a lesbian producer, but she’s pretty much living the bitchy, alpha-female stereotype. Like I said, this film isn’t much of a comedy. If it had played up its camp value just a little bit more, it would have definite appeal to the gay demo. Also, shirtlessness. There seemed to be a serious lack of any titillation for a slasher film. All I can say is this is a big case of missed opportunities. But it’s also fun and brainless, like one Mr. Al Santos.

FINAL DESTINATION 5

Directed by Steven Quale

Written by Eric Heisserer and  Jeffrey Reddick (characters)

Starring Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Arlen Escarpeta and Tom Cruise

WHA’ HAPPENED?

All the Final Destination movies follow the exact same formula. By this point in the series, writing a synopsis is like filling in a Mad Libs sheet: A bunch of coworkers survive a bridge collapse because one of them had a psychic vision. Then death stalks them one-by-one until there are only three main characters left. After a climactic scene at a restaurant, the remaining characters think they’re safe, until there’s a plane crash.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Y'all just be careful now."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’m a sucker for 3D horror films. Still one of the most enjoyable experiences Ive ever had at a theater was during My Bloody Valentine, when I got to cheer along with hundreds of strangers as a jaw bone flew at us. I’m also a Final Destination fan. This series is Nightmare on Elm Street for the new millennium.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Like all Final Destination films, this installment lives or dies by the elaborate and paranoi-inducing death scenes. And this one had some doozies. The laser eye surgery scene was a joy to witness. The acupuncture scene rivaled Miss Lewton's death from number one for outlandishness. But the gymnastics scene was this film's crowning achievement. It was suspenseful and brutal and so, so good.

Full disclosure: gymnasts creep me out. I blame that Keri Strugg.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film has a very attractive male cast, right down to the Tom Cruise look-a-like. You’d think there would be some good, old fashioned beefcake on display. Well, my friends, the only character to show some skin is the character no one wanted to see naked. I will give you a hint: he’s third from the left:

Yeah. I know.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

All Final Destinations have brutal, awesome endings, but the first one (with the sudden demise of Kerr Smith) was always my favorite… until today. This movie has one of the coolest endings I’ve ever seen. Not just for an FD movie, but for ANY movie. I was this close to cheering.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not explicitly. This series has yet to produce a gay character of substance. And with the underperformance of this installment, I doubt that there will be future sequels to right that wrong. That said, I couldn’t care less. This film is an utter joy from start to finish. If they made a new FD movie every year, I would shell out the big bucks for 3D. These movies are absolutely worth the time.

And can I just add that this film has my new favorite opening credits?

DANCE OF THE DEAD

STATS:

Dance of the Dead

2008

Director: Gregg Bishop

Writer: Joe Ballarini

Starring: Jared Kusnitz, Greyson Chadwick, Chandler Darby

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A prom gets attacked by zombies and the outcasts have to band together to save the day. That, my friends, is the perfect movie premise.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I bought this DVD for cheap because I love zombie horror-comedies, I love high school movies, and I recognized that main kid from an episode of Community.

In Community, he wasn’t armed.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not a lot. These are kids, and what’s so great about this film is that they really look like they’re high-school-aged. They aren’t like the chiseled 30-somethings who star in typical high school horror movies. They look real, so that’s the trade-off we get. No nudity, but characters who seem real. I’m fine with that.

(In fact, one actor looks like he’s about thirty, and another character refers to him as that one high school kid who looks a lot older than he should’ve. We all had one in our schools. In my school, that kid was named Kramer.)

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Like all good zombie films, there is plenty of both blood and guts to keep the gorehounds properly drenched. Of particular note is a scene where two horny teenagers (who both are turning into zombies) start making out in a bathroom stall. Their make-out session quickly turns into a feast as they eat pieces of each other. (There was a similar scene in an episode of Supernatural a few years back.)

Even better, though, is that the zombie make-up is really, really good. Direct-to-DVD affairs like this are notoriously hit-and-miss, but this one is a definite hit.

Why you need to be choosy when receiving oral.

OK. IS IT GAY?

This is one of the films that I had in mind when I first thought of blogging. This is a film without any explicit gay content, but its sensibilities as very much in line with gay horror fans.

Good job, Dance of the Dead. You’re prom royalty

AMUSEMENT

AMUSEMENT

2008

Directed by John Simpson

Written by Jake Wade Wall

Starring Katheryn Winnick, Laura Breckenridge and Jessica Lucas

Not really. Is it supposed to be?

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, three things happened, really. This is an anthology film based on three separate urban legends. One involves a young couple driving into a dark forest because a stranger told them to take a short cut. The second involves a babysitter getting stalked by a killer in a clown costume. And the third involves a girl getting sewn inside a bed at the world's creepiest bed and breakfast. They all involve the same killer, a giggling lunatic who was teased by our three main characters in elementary school. One girl gets away and explains the moral of the movie in the most pointless narration possible. I guess we all learned something, then.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"It’s funny, right?"

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I have never heard about this movie. Ive never known anyone who has seen this movie. But it has been recommended to me by Netflix over and over again for the past year. Apparently, it really wanted me to see this film. So I finally clicked on the goofy clown face (MST3K reference).

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Yes, there are death scenes. And yes, they are extremely elaborate and impossible. Case in point, this Victrola kills someone:

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

There are a few scantily clad women running around in their bras and panties. That goes with the territory. On the male side, though? Nothin’. There is the giggling killer, of course. Hes not exactly a rugged fellow (though his IMDb photo makes him look pretty handsome). And the two boyfriends don’t really get an opportunities to shine… or go around shirtless. It’s a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Urban Legend is one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures. I love watching people get horribly murdered via urban legends. I also really like anthology films and wish they were more popular with the general public. Based on those criteria, I'd say this film would be right up my alley. And for the most part, it is. But there's also the stink of missed opportunities in every scene. It’s not nearly as awesome as it could’ve been.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not even. If it dialed up the camp factor, then maybe. Lord knows the premise is campy enough. But as it is, this is a lukewarm hetero journey into cheap scares and minimal suspense. That said, I like the clown costume. It’s cute.

THE UNNAMABLE

STATS:

The Unnamable

1988

Directed by Jean-Paul Ouellette

Written by the same guy... and H. P. Lovecraft, I guess

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Not much. After an opening prologue tailor-made for the fast-forward button, we meet two groups of college students (geeks and fraternity/sorority idiots) who decide in completely unrelated conversations to sneak into a haunted house. Why? Because holy crap this movie makes no sense.

From there, the characters wander around Scooby Doo-style in a big spooky house. Something unnamable (which I would totally be able to name; let's call him Fraggle) kills them a lot. One of the college students, a Lovecraftian fellow who annoyed the crap out of me, defeats it by invoking tree spirits or something.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I am not much of a Lovecraft fan, but I am a fan of bad early-90s horror films based on Lovecraft stories. And while this had a few Lovecraftian touches (the university, the Necronomicon, the fact that two women faint within two minutes of each other), it uses the bare bones of a story to tell a pretty standard slasher plot. I liked that combo. And by "liked," I mean "was intrigued by."

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The film stars three handsome-ish college nerds, two hot jocks, and two sorority girls. As expected, the two girls get to show some skin. The cute guys, not so much.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

There was a lot of dripping blood and snapped necks (via a flopping puppet hand), but very little gore. There was, however, a half-decent fake head (the other half was less "decent" and more "papier maché").

PLOT HOLES:

There wasn’t a lot of plot to speak of, thus the amount of holes was limited. However, there was one major flaw with this film: they should not have shown so much of the unnamable creature. From its lustrous, silken leg fur to its comically large ears (or horns?) this creature is way too stupid to be unnamable. Like I said: Fraggle. Every time I saw its cute little cloven feet, I had one of two thoughts: 1) Well, he’s really white. And 2) He kind of gestures like Jim Carrey pretending to be a velociraptor.

OK. IS IT GAY?

The filmmakers have taken a story by one of the most influential horror writers of all time and turned it into a repetitive, pointless slasher flick that barely scores brownie points by name-dropping the Necronomicon. That said, I had a freaking blast. It is not gay, nor is it much of a movie. If you asked me why I liked it so much, I would say it’s unnamable.

Get it...

URBAN LEGEND

STATS:

Urban Legend

1998

Director: Jamie Blanks

Writer: Silvio Horta (Creator of Ugly Betty)

Starring: Jared Leto, Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart, Joshua Jackson, Loretta Devine, Tara Reid, Michael Rosenbaum, Robert Englund

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A psycho killer is terrorizing a group of extremely attractive college students (and Tara Reid), and killing them in scenes reminiscent of popular urban legends. All the murders seem to link back to our hero (Alicia Witt from Sybil). She tries to get people to believe her, but no one will. Can she discover who the killer is before it’s too late. (Hint: yes. Yes she can.)

The film has two sequels, one involving a group of film students…

Urban Legends 2: Diminishing Returns

…and one with a ghost.

Urban Legends 3: The Stupid Adventures of Stupidity

(I didn’t like this film.)

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Let’s be honest: this film is a total cash-in on the success of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer (otherwise known as Watch Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Bra Jiggle As She Runs From a Fisherman). Urban Legend isn’t exactly revolutionary, but its cast is young and beautiful, its premise is crazy-great, and its emphasis on creative kills makes it a true 80s throwback. This is one underappreciated flick.

Like this film.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not particularly. Some bikini action with Rebecca Gayheart, but nothing male-centric. But even when fully clothed, Jared Leto has some dreamy-ass eyes.

Yeah, keep the shirt on.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This film has some of the best murder set-ups around. Death by parking lot spikes. Death by Drain-o (How Heathers!). Death by microwave.

Plus, Tara Reid gets stabbed a lot. Fun to be had by all!

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

I’ve seen this movie many times whilst growing up and I never bought who the killer was. Does the Noxzema girl have enough upper body strength to decapitate an adult with one ax slice? I think not.

Now, if she was behind the wheel…

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I apologize for the previous joke. That was an extremely insensitive issue to bring up.

OK. IS IT GAY?

This film is chock-a-block full of WB-style man-candy. (I’m still hoping that “mandy” will catch on as a portmanteau.) If you ignore the logistical problems, the identity of the killer is both refreshing and very female-empowerment-y.

Yay! Women have a killer to call their own!

Aside from a Richard Gere/gerbil reference and an admittedly funny gay joke by the British dean (at Joshua Jackson’s expense), homosexual issues aren’t mentioned. Still, it’s written by an openly gay man and reeks of gender-positivity. I’ll give this a Neil Patrick Harris.

Isn’t he adorable?