LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III

STATS:

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

1990

Directed by Jeff Burr

Starring Viggo Mortensen (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Leatherface kills a bunch of people by the side of the road. Hilarity ensues.

WHAT YOU SAY?

There’s road kill all over Texas.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is sort of the forgotten sequel in the original Chainsaw series. It’s not the original, obviously. It’s not known as the funny one. And it’s not the god awful one that nearly derailed Rene Zelwegger's career before it even started. It’s just that other one, the one in the middle that has Viggo Mortensen in it, but no one can remember what happens.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Sure, it’s graphic. This whole series is. But a lot of the violence is so quick and badly lit, it was hard to even keep track of who was still alive and who wasn’t. Not much of a ringing endorsement, huh?

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

I’m not an expert on chainsaws, but I don’t think they’d still be running as they slowly sink into a lake. Just saying.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

There’s a reason this movie is a footnote in the franchise. After watching it two days ago, I honestly don’t remember most of what happens. I remember the gas station craziness at the beginning, and the roadkill, and the big fight at the end. But whole chunks of this movie just aren’t that memorable. Say what you want about the wacky antics of part two; at least that movie sticks with you. After sitting through this one, I feel like I’ve just watched the original over again, but I was slightly drunk at the time.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

Get the Breakfast Club reference?

STATS:

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

1986

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Starring Caroline Williams, Dennis Hopper, and Bill Moseley

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, lots of weird and funny things happen, but not a lot of horrific things happen. Honestly, this does not make a good double feature with the original, because the tone is so completely different. It’s like comparing Independence Day and Mars Attacks, except instead of aliens, these two movies are about eating people in chili. (Well, at least the second one is about chili, but the characters from the first one probably ate human chili too.)

The psycho family from Part One has disappeared into a cave system somewhere in Texas to continue their cannibalism. Poor radio personality Caroline Williams has to survive a night in those creepy-ass catacombs, illuminated only by Christmas lights and sparks from a chainsaw.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Peel that pig and slice him thick.

Grandpa’s strict liquid diet keeps him as fresh as a rose.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I saw this movie as a kid right after renting the first one. (To this day, that first viewing of Chainsaw 1 is the scariest movie experience of my life.) I was all ready to go, expecting something handheld and horrifying. What I got was a whole lot of goofiness and not a lot of horror. I was so disappointed, I hadn’t seen it since. Looking back, I wondered if maybe I was too hard on it because it was so different from the original. Would I change my opinion?

FINAL VERDICT:

Yes and no. Everything I felt about this movie the first time around remains unchanged. Bill Moseley is goofy as hell, Leatherface seems neutered and emasculated, and the kills are wacky (especially the opening murders of the two radio-callers). But I didn’t realize how fun this all was. If you are properly prepared, this movie really is a good time. It doesn’t resemble the original at all, but so what.

There is one pleasant surprise about this rewatch: Dennis Hopper. I had no memory of what a total badass he is in this movie. I mean, the main girl is great (I will always treasure that actress from Leprechaun 3), but the Hopper really owns this film. He’s like the American hillbilly version of Dr. Loomis from Halloween. And if that isn’t enough to recommend this movie, I don’t know what it.