Sunday, May 1, 2011


Titanic II
Directed by: Shane Van Dyke
Written by: Shane Van Dyke
Starring: Shane Van Dyke (notice a pattern?)

It’s the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic’s fateful voyage, and some genius decided to give it another go. Some people are afraid it’s going to sink. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it does not.

Okay. Yes it does. It sinks real good.

…And they officially blew their budget.

Unlike the legitimate Titanic movie, this one doesn’t focus on a large cast of characters. Instead, the only characters we get to know are the ship’s one competent doctor and the boat’s owner. We also follow the rescue efforts of the girl’s father, who plays a Coast Guard captain/iceberg expert. (Uh oh.) It’s this guy:

You build ONE army of murderous rats and then
you’re stuck in straight-to-DVD sh!t like this. Life isn’t fair.

This film greatly improves on the 1997 film, because now, instead of an iceberg, we have an iceberg, a tsunami, and a MEGA-tsunami. You gotta love this film.

Quick, everybody. Lean slightly to the left. It’s a mega-tsunami.

Asylum Films has perfected the art of the “mockbuster,” releasing such exploitative classics as Snakes on a Train, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, and The Terminators.

They even improved on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle by releasing a Sherlock Holmes that replaces Jude Law with dinosaurs and a giant squid.

This made my eyeballs hurt.

“An ice-glacier collapsed off the coast of Greenland.”

“The lifeboats are death traps!”

“Not again!”

“Looks like history’s repeated itself!”

None. Our lead actor Shane Van Dyke (who pulled an Orson Welles and wrote/directed this masterpiece) makes sure that the camera lingers on him lovingly, especially when he has his arms draped around the ladies… or when he’s slow-motion surfing.

Whose idea was it to start Titanic 2 with five minutes
of slow-motion surfing? Oh yeah, probably Shane Van Dyke.

Thousands of people drown off-screen. One guy suffocates from smoke. And the lead character’s best friend gets crushed by the world’s worst emergency exit.

This happened to her to. Via a cabinet. She was pretty killable.

I absolutely love the group shots. Notice the crowd of dozens who gather to watch Titanic 2 disappear into the horizon.

By some fluke of physics, most of these people are shown on the ship in later scenes.

Try to play Spot the Extra as this movie continues. One lady in particular is like Jason Voorhees: she’s everywhere at all times.

Watch her. Watch her good.

Speaking of extras, I swear I saw Debbie Gibson in the background of most of the group scenes.

Seriously, right? That's gotte be her.

Most of the film involves our two main characters trying to reach the ill-defined safety tanks at the bottom of the ship. This section of the movie seems more like Poseidon Adventure than Titanic (without the stars or awesomeness, of course).

Oh crap. The happy face is going to reach them in T minus 15 seconds.

Our hero (notice how I never learned her name) gets surprisingly good cell phone reception in an elevator… on a boat… in the middle of the ocean… a hundred feet below the surface.

This film is an interesting disaster, mostly because it shows how one man (writer/director/actor/caterer Shane Van Dyke) builds a whole movie around himself. It’s a huge ego project, all the way down to the movie’s climax, in which our main characters gather around his lifeless body and try to bring him back. He spends so much time on himself, that we have no idea how many innocent people died because of him. (Remember, his character built the boat.) In fact, at one point he looks out at the horizon and another character asks him, “Admiring your masterpiece?” That moment almost seemed like a comment on his own hubris.

Perhaps because of this, the film doesn’t bother to develop any of the other characters. There is no romance, no drama, no real emotions at all except for a father/daughter relationship that doesn’t go anywhere. Perhaps worst of all, Titanic 2 isn’t even that campy.  I have no reason to recommend this to a gay audience. It’s a Tara Reid.

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