VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Vampire in Brooklyn came during a dark time in my life: Wes Craven's pre-Scream 90s output. The creator of some of my favorite horror films was in a serious funk, and while I usually argue that People Under the Stairs and New Nightmare are underappreciated, there really isn’t a lot to recommend here. But Im going to recommend stuff anyway. First of all, the supporting cast, filled with talented ringers like Mitch What’s-His-Name from X Files and Shocker.

Also, the make up and effects aren’t that bad either. While I was seriously disappointed with Eddie Murphy in this role, when his face vamped out, it went a long way toward making him less… insufferable.

Now how do we fix his accent? 

And Angela Bassett is beautiful and classy as always. Case in point: she has a beret.

Which now leads us to why this movie failed: Eddie Murphy. I have no idea if this was meant as a horror film or a comedy, and I have a distinct feeling that Eddie didn’t know either. The low points occur when he plays some side character in white face. Or Asian face. Thank God he didn’t bust out the fat suit.

The fault isn’t just at Eddie’s feet, though. All the attempts at humor fall flat, particularly the wisecracking zombie assistant who keeps losing body parts. Ugh.

WHAAAA...

I almost recommend this movie just to see how wrong-headed some of the creative decisions were. Eddie Murphy as Dracula doesn’t sound like a particularly promising idea, and the movie sinks to the level of its premise. Thank God Scream came along.

RANDOM BOX SETS

Two of my favorites.

More than any other genre, horror movies are often clumped together in wildly unrelated box sets. Why, for example, would Predator fans be interested in Dead Silence? Just go to Walmart and you’ll see the ape-shit insanity from which DVD people must suffer. They see that a film is in the horror section, but they don’t bother reading the synopses before clumping things together like they were Dr. Moreau. I mean, Schindler's List and Raging Bull are both black and white dramas, but they have virtually nothing in common. No one would package those into a single box set. So why are horror movies so easily sorted? Probably because horror fans will buy anything.

WATCH THIS FILM BEFORE IT TANKS AT THE BOX OFFICE

Not all horror remakes suck. This does not have the stench of Platinum Dunes anywhere near it. Please check it out. It's not particularly gay. It's just badass.

And look at this guy...

THE BRIDES OF DRACULA

STATS:

The Brides of Dracula

1960

Directed by Terence Fisher

Written by Peter Bryan, Anthony Hinds, Edward Percy, Jimmy Sangster… and Bram Stoker, I guess

Starring Peter Cushing, Not Christopher Lee

WHA’ HAPPENED?

As the film’s opening narration explains: “Dracula is dead but his disciples live on.” Thus, Brides of Dracula has nothing to do with Dracula or anyone married to him. Instead, it’s about this guy…

Not exactly Christopher Lee, huh?

This is Baron Meinster, a vampire whose name is passably scary, if you ignore the fact that he sounds like a cheese.

The movie follows a beautiful French woman as she travels through a Romanian town populated by superstitious folks with suspiciously British accents. They say things like, “There’s nothin’ to be afeared of.” And then they go all silent and glarey when the French woman says the wrong thing. (They reminded me of the similar townspeople from the beginning of American Werewolf in London.)

Because this is a Dracula film, the French woman ends up staying the night at Castle Meinster, presumably because Castle Gouda was too far away. Castle Meinster is a beautiful estate with one of the most exorbitant candle budgets in history.

Seriously. It’s like every room is celebrating Hanukkah.

The French lady snoops around, even though Baroness Meinster warns her not to. Eventually, she meets the Baroness’ son, who is both handsome and a vampire. He’s also chained up in his room. The French lady frees him, because the French love freeing potentially dangerous prisoners.

Baron Meinster runs off and drinks his mom because he’s a vampire (spoiler, I guess) and the French lady doesn’t even try to take responsibility for the thousands of innocent lives that she put in danger. Thankfully, the French lady isn’t our heroine, because the next time we see her, she’s lying unconscious in a road. She’s not exactly Lara Croft.

This is when the film switches to Dr. Van Helsing’s POV. Van Helsing finds the French lady’s unconscious body in the midst of vampire country and automatically assumes the only rational explanation: she “was frightened” and passed out. Apparently, Dr. Van Helsing went to the same medical school as Dr. Phil.

From there, long stretches of the film are taken up by characters talking nonstop about mysterious neck wounds and all that boring stuff as 21^st century audiences twiddle our thumbs and wait for something to actually happen.

Doesn’t this Romanian pub look like a

cheap Italian bistro from Lincoln, Nebraska?

In order to at least vaguely justify the film’s title, Baron Meinster proposes to our French girl (who has since relocated to a completely different city). He drinks her friend Gina, who’s so British she looks like a Dr. Who companion.

K-9.

In a string of poor decisions, Baron Meinster shacks up with a crazy lady and two vampire brides (including Gina) in an old windmill. Because this is a horror movie, the windmill burns down. Van Helsing defeats him and all is right with the world.

Now, there are a few lingering questions here: Why does he follow the French woman to another city? Better yet, why does he propose instead of drinking her outright? What makes her so special? Also, why does he move to an abandoned mill, the only building that can literally turn into a giant cross. He’s just waiting to get staked.

One more thing: Shouldn’t there be three brides, not two?

And is the one in the back smiling?

WHAT YOU SAY?

 “I have very little appetite.”

“You may not believe it, but we’ve had gay times here. Balls. Dinners. Life.”

“Come closer. Please. Come closer. You see, I can’t come… to you.”

“And now I leave you entirely to yourselves… for ten minutes.”

This is the Meinster House. Home of the Meinster family. Meinster.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve always wanted to review a Hammer film. I have fond memories of watching them with my dad back when I was very young. I also have fond memories of Power Rangers, so this is where you insert a grain of salt.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

There are several murders, but they all occur off-screen. The Baroness gets killed, and we see her bloodless body for less than a second. The BFF Gina gets killed too, but that is similarly off-screen. What we do see is Meinster’s old lady henchwoman falling off the stairs and Van Helsing cauterizing his own neck wound. I didn’t even get screen captures from those scenes; that’s how effective they were.

I may seem like I’m getting nit-picky on a film from a totally different time period and moral code, but these complaints feel symptomatic of a larger problem: I didn’t find this vampire threatening. He’s constantly running away from everybody (male and female, French and otherwise). Furthermore, when we first see him, he’s chained up by an old lady. Add that to the long list of bad decisions he makes in the last half hour of the film, and you’ve got a villain that doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of men.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

One thing I enjoy about films from this time period is what I call “soap opera staging.” This is when two people are talking, one person turns toward the camera, and the conversation continues. This never happens in real life, and yet you see it all the time in older movies.

“But Gwendolyn. Ronaldo isn’t just my lover. He’s also my clone.”

OK. IS IT GAY?

No. It is not. In fact, I was surprised by how weirdly sex-less this film is. I clearly remember Hammer films having lots of blood, boobs, and naughtiness (like in my personal favorite, Frankenstein Created Woman… and Then Groped Her). I guess because this film is from 1960, it’s much tamer and less grope-y. In fact, a good chunk of the movie features the French woman wandering around in her pajamas, except in this film they’re nineteenth-century nighties, which are basically Victoria’s Secret Wizard Cloaks.

The tone of this film can best be described through two lines of dialogue. One character is dishing to her friend about this cute, pale guy that she’s dating: “Did you let him kiss you? Tell me, please.” “Only my hand.”

Sure, I could talk about the Meinster family dynamic, about how the mother disapproves of her son’s non-standard lifestyle and hides him away. On paper, that sounds at least a little interesting for a queer audience. And yet, that’s kind of a stretch. All-in-all, this film doesn’t give me a lot to sink my teeth into.

It’s definitely enjoyable, but it’s a little stuffy and British. And it’s not at all gay. On the gayness scale, I’ll give this a Sir Alec Guinness (before his tell-all biography came out).

VAMPIRES SUCK

STATS:

Vampires Suck

2010

Written and Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the unholy duo who unleashed Date Movie unto the world

Starring Not Kristen Stewart, Not Robert Pattinson, and Not Taylor Lautner

WHA’ HAPPENED?

This movie follows the basic plot of Twilight and New Moon, pausing every few seconds to add jokes about Lady Gaga and wrinkly butts. In that respect, it’s reminiscent of late-period Paddy Chayefsky.

“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” [fart noise]

WHAT YOU SAY?

“Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.” [Becca farts in Edward’s face.]

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is the latest in a long string of Friedberg/Seltzer movie parodies starting with Date Movie and hitting an impossibly low nadir with Meet the Spartans. They are also credited writers on the much more legitimate Spy Hard and Scary Movie, the latter of which has seen a rapid drop in prestige thanks to these similarly titled train wrecks. But while films like Date Movie and Epic Movie have served as the Roger Clinton to Scary Movie’s Bill, Friedberg and Seltzer keep churning them out whenever another string of slightly similar blockbusters comes out. (Honestly, how does Will Smith’s Hitch qualify as an “epic movie” anyway?)

I wanted to review this particular entry in the series because it seems like the most relevant to the average horror fan (who would pay good money to see Twilight get farted on for an hour and a half). Also, the previous spoof movies have had a recurring theme of constant gay panic jokes, particularly in regards to 300. I wanted to see if that would also apply to their Twilight spoof.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

From an abs standpoint, this film absolutely delivers. Of course, that’s not particularly surprising, considering the source material. However, this film’s version of Jacob is clearly over 18, which is way less skeezy.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

No guts, but there is definitely blood. I particularly enjoyed a scene that mocked Bella’s paper cut from New Moon. While the original movie made her seem like a hemophiliac, this version added massive geysers of blood shooting out of her finger and (for some reason) elbow. That was the entire joke, but it somehow worked. When it comes to non-fart-related physical comedy, this film often delivered.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

The actress playing “Becca Crane” (get it?) is really good at the faux-angsty Kristen Stewart mannerisms. She bites her lip, plays with her hair, and looks away all at the same time. She’s like an awkward puppet… or, you know, Kristen Stewart.

OK. IS IT GAY?

While this is not a good film (at all), it had its moments of stupid humor. For most of the running time, I felt like I was watching a little kid making nonsensical knock-knock jokes and kicking a dead horse, but since that dead horse was Twilight, I say kick away.

Much like every post-Airplane! spoof, the humor is hit and miss, but there are so many jokes that statistically some have to land. I’d say I laughed six times during this one, which is a huge step up from the negative numbers of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. Perhaps I’m being overly kind because I was so surprised by the lack of gay panic hysteria in this film. There is only one scene that fell into that category: when the muscle-y wolf pack dances around in short-shorts to “It’s Raining Men.”

Clearly, it was not a good joke, but there really wasn’t anywhere else to go with it, given the source material. Other than that, I didn’t notice anything hateful. There were a couple man-on-man kisses, but nothing meant to make the audience squirm.

I was worried that they would have a recurring joke about Edward being gay, particularly because he keeps shying away from Bella’s advances. They didn’t go that way, however, and the movie was better for it.

So is this film gay-friendly? Not really, except in the shirtlessness quota. Is it offensive though? Nope. And considering the low-low-low-low bar I set for this film, that makes it a stunning success. I do not recommend this film to any human being, but on the gay scale, I’ll give this two Eric Roberts. It’s low-rent, but it means well.