I DISMEMBER MAMA

Welcome to VHS Tuesday, where I dig up one of my old, awful horror videos and share its delightfully stupid packaging. When horror videos first started flooding the market, the marketing geniuses really went to town thinking up the best taglines and the most hilariously literal summaries. Today we have I Dismember Mama, an awful, awful video nasty that I never want to see again. But its packaging: pure genius.
   

This is the cover. Look! It’s Roy Scheider playing a washed-up magician.

   

   
Note the tagline: May she rest… in pieces. Damn. Gets me every time.
     
And the summary:
        

POOR ALBERT IS JUST CRAZY ABOUT WOMEN.

     

Albert (Zooey Hall) is a mentally disturbed young man incarcerated in a rest home run by Dr. Burton (Frank Whiteman).

    
A nurse’s reprimand (Elaine Partnow) causes him to lock her in his room, strip off her clothes and attempt to murder her. Then an attendant (James Tartan) is brutally murdered and Albert escapes. And so starts a killing spree more brutal than any ever seen in the annals of filmmaking. First his mothers servant goes, then a call girl in a series of chilling murders culminating in a terrifying Hitchcockian climax that will leave you breathless time and time again!
      

Not only do we know exactly who dies (and in what order!) but we also know that this is the most brutal, Hitchcockian story ever put to film. God bless whatever minimum wage copy-writer wrote this description. You almost make me want to see this movie again. Almost.

Truth Or Dare?

   
Happy Tuesday! Here's another awful VHS summary. This comes from the 1986 slasher Truth Or Dare?, one of the most notorious video nasties I have had the pleasure of sitting through. Here is what the video box says:
     

It’s Time To Play TRUTH OR DARE? A Critical Madness

    

(The question mark makes everything seem less scary, somehow.)

   
Meet Mike Strauber. He plays a deadly game. He plays Truth or Dare with everyone…even himself.
    

Truth Or Dare, a child’s game turned into a psychotic, twisted game of self-destruction. This non-stop psycho-thriller packed with action will assault you personally. Mike Strauber, played brilliantly by John Brace, formerly of the Burt Reynolds Playhouse, brings you to the edge of your seat with passionate understanding coupled with unbridled hatred. If anyone ever asks you to play Truth Or Dare… tell them you’ve seen the movie.

DRACULA 2: ASCENSION

STATS:

Dracula II: Ascension

2003

Directed by Patrick Lussier (Drive Angry! My Bloody Valentine 3D!)

        

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

                                        

It’s my strong hand.

   

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’m a fan of the cheesy original, starring Gerard Butler as a too-screamy Dracula and Vitamin C as a look-this-was-filmed-in-the-late-90s vampire bride. This one, however, has none of that. But the leads are uniformly hot and the story looks basic and diverting.

   

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

We have the always welcome Jason Scott Lee (Lilo and Stitch, Ghoulies III, that Jungle Book live-action movie from the 90s) as a bad-ass action priest, which is the best kind of priest. We also have one of the London twins (I didn’t care enough to Google which one, because they are, in fact, twins), and this was filmed pre-bloat, apparently.

      

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Where, there is blood. Lots of blood. So drink up!

    

Heeeeyyyy you guuuyyyyssss!

         

FINAL THOUGHTS?

Not bad. It’s not the time capsule awesomeness of the original (Did I mention Vitamin C?), but it’s a fun, actiony movie taking place mostly in an old abandoned castle. The first movie was in New Orleans, I believe, but the characters in this one apparently drove from there to Romania. Or at least they traveled by map, Muppet-style!

Filmed at Grey Gardens.

    

Anyway, a solid, entertaining film, though not solid enough to bring me back for Dracula 3: Chipwrecked.

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

2010

Directed by Lauren Montgomery

Written by Tab Murphy

Starring Summer Glau, Tim Daly, Susan Eisenberg, Kevin Conroy, and Andre Braugher

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and a couple heroes I’ve never heard of team up to take down Darkseid and Granny Goodness (two more characters I’ve never heard of). There is a lot of fighting, and Apocalypse is some kind of planet, not a Biblical end of days. As such, there is a happy ending.

Granny Goodness. Now my third favorite grandmother character.

I think Ed Asner did her voice.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been riding high on DC animated movies lately. They’re all free on Netflix, and they’re all crazy violent. Also, it cracks me up how such all-American pop culture icons like Superman and Batman can be so freaking homoerotic and muscle-worshippy in their character designs.

Superman with eye liner.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As I said before, there are loads of hot guys (and girls) in a superhero movie. And while they might not show a lot of skin, their skin-tight costumes leave very little to the imagination.

 Just a peek at the gun show.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

In addition, there isn’t exactly a shortage of violence in this film. And while a lot of it is cartoony and gee-whiz-comic-booky, there are genuine stakes involves. I’m talking blood and guts. Well, maybe not a lot of guts… But definitely blood.

Pictured: Superman holding a dead body.

I assume this does not happen a lot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

For those of you who enjoy a good Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, be prepared for some obvious parallels here. The women are all beautiful, quippy, and kick-ass. I got some major Buffy flashbacks when I saw Supergirl battling a bunch of men three times her size. This is a crowd-pleasing movie for anyone who likes emotionally complicated women kicking ass and taking names.

Also, all of DC's greatest heroes (except Aquaman) are in it too. And while they might not all have a LOT to do for most of the movie…

…it never gets old seeing them hang out together. I highly recommend this.

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

STATS:

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

2007

Written and Directed by Scott Thomas

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan Thompson, Julianna Margules… Oh. Wait.

And the award for most unnecessary subtitle goes to...

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Take a wild guess.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Two in the chest, one in the balls. That’s what I say.

Is that you Bennett? Shit. Come on mothefucker. I wanna make sure you keep that shitty little grin on your face. All the way to hell!

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Zombies have sure become trendy lately. And why not? They are pretty much the all-purpose metaphor, and they’re freaking terrifying. The only reason I’m surprised by their recent resurrection in pop culture is the fact that most zombie movies have downer endings, and movies with downer endings are traditionally not as popular as happy ones.

Oh. Wait.

Apparently, that’s not enough to scare away the hordes of undead fans, though, so now we have movies like this one. Gnarly little horror-comedies with puns in their titles and budgets that range in the hundreds.

Another reason I really wanted to see this film was because of this guy, the skeevy weirdo from The Mummy. I cannot tell you why this guy seems like a perfect fit for a zombie movie...

It might be his face. And everything else about him.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

People are killed and mauled in a variety of ways in this impossibly large airplane. Also, the gore effects are pretty top-notch, especially for a movie that couldn’t afford a real scriptwriter. Hey now!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is exactly what you would expect. I mean, exactly what you would expect. It could’ve added a few more jokes, but the tone stays goofy the entire time, and the pacing is pretty quick. This is a fun night of brain-deadery.

BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD

STATS:

Batman: Under the Red Hood

2010

Directed by Brandon Vietti

Written by Judd Winick

Starring Bruce Greenwood, Jensen Ackles, and Neil Patrick Harris (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Based on one of the most well-received Batman comics story arcs in a long time, this direct-to-DVD movie reunites Batman with his former (supposedly dead) Robin, who is now a morally ambiguous hero/villain named the Red Hood. Classic Batman baddies the Joker and Ra’s al Ghul are in it too, but this really is the Red Hood’s story. Batman has to grapple with moral dilemmas. He also fights robot ninja assassins. So, you know, it’s not too high-brow.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Now, that was rude. The first boy blunder had some manners. I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. Nah, I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar."

That Joker is a scene-stealer. Not gonna lie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

After witnessing the awesomeness of DC heroes Jonah Hex and The Spectre, I couldn’t get enough morally ambiguous antiheroes (and animated beefcake), so I busted out some good old Batman.

I said GOOD old Batman.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

People watch Superman to ogle the muscles. People watch Batman to enter a dark and twisted world. The pecs and abs are just cherries on top.

Actually, I meant nipples. Nipples on top.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This movie starts off with a painfully long scene of the Joker beating Robin with a crowbar. That pretty much sets the tone of the rest of the movie. There aren’t any POW and BAM fight scene sound effects in this movie. Instead, there is a real sense of danger. Also, people die.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

The presence of hottie Jensen Ackles and real-life superhero Neil Patrick Harris is enough to draw in the gay crowds, but the real lure of this film is the wicked cool reimagining of the Batman/Robin dynamic. For years, their relationship has inspired a million offensive gay jokes, but this movie takes their father-son bond in a really interesting direction. Sure, this movie has a lot of action, but it’s also really thought-provoking. By the end, when we see one final flashback of our Robin in a simpler, happier time, I suddenly realized how emotionally invested I was in this film.

Yup. It went there.

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

STATS:

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring Thomas Jane, Michelle Trachtenberg, Linda Hamilton

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The final installment of the DC Showcase series, this short film involves our scarfaced hero murdering a killer hooker by leaving her to die in a mineshaft filled with the corpses of all her victims. And yes, this is an animated movie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Ive already talked about two of the other films in the DC Showcase, one of which was fairly beefcake-y, and one of which was gruesome as hell. This one, as you can tell from the synopsis, is pretty close to the second category.

The other reason I wanted to write about this was to show my readers that Jonah Hex isn’t nearly as lame a character as his live-action movie makes him seem.

Stupid and incomprehensible. Also, why

does Josh Brolin have freakishly short arms?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes, but the nudity is strictly female. The story centers around prostitutes, so… duh. But Jonah is a tall glass of water, if you ignore his hideous facial scars.

Actually, nevermind.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The very end of this film includes dozens of dead corpses rotting away. There is also violence and murder up the wazoo. Man, I love this character.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Yet again, DC outdoes itself with the gore. Before I rented this video, I had no idea cartoon DVDs inspired by comic books could be so… awesome. I am now a fan.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

STATS:

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

2010

Directed by Jaoquim Dos Santos

Written by Michael Jelenic

Starring Jerry O’Connell

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman teams up with Captain Marvel (a kid who gets random magic powers every time he shouts "Shazam!") to fight Black Adam, a white guy named Adam. The entire movie is one long fight scene, with some exposition about how Captain Marvel gets his powers.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Shazam," obviously.

Um... a slightly different film.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is the centerpiece of a 4-part anthology film meant to introduce people to lesser-known DC heroes. I found it free on Netflix and decided to check it out. Certain sections were gleefully horrific, so I thought I could do a few write-ups for this website. I had to start with this one, which was the least horrific and bloody, because it was the first (and longest) installment in the set.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As expected, this film is chock-full of superpowered, animated beefcake. In this installment, we get Superman, Captain Marvel, AND Black Adam, three rippling heroes. Theyre fully clothed, but tights barely count as clothing, right? The animators leave absolutely no bulges to the imagination. I strongly believe that some people are just born gay, but superheroes like these make a good argument that some pop culture can "turn" kids. If so, bring on the super men!

Like I said: bulges.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

For one giant fight scene, this film has precious little blood. Also, the city is weirdly underpopulated, so there aren’t a lot of deaths amidst the wreckage. This could be due to budgetary reasons (lots of extras are hard to draw) and moral reasons (protect the children!), but comparing this film to the others in this grisly series makes me think it has more to do with the former than the latter.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Does Captain Marvel have a big fan base? I’ve never heard of him, and his backstory is needlessly complicated. That said, there is something pretty kick-ass about a preteen who can turn into a big hulking hero just by saying a magic word.

Also, I’m surprised that a DC character is named Marvel. I’m not a huge comics fan, but I assume there was probably some drama involved back in the day.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is a fun little time waster. If you're of the "Prince Eric School of Hot Cartoons", there is a lot to like in this one. There’s not much of a story beyond a vague don’t-bully-people message, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

But seriously, Black Adam needs a new name.

Like, Vaguely Ethnic Adam. Or The Rock.

CANDYMAN 2 AND 3

Ever experienced déjà vu? Me neither. No matter what The Matrix tells you, déjà vu is pretty much BS. That said, the moment I stuck Candyman 3 into my VCR, I had the distinct feeling of déjà vu. I'd never seen this film before, and yet I knew exactly what was going to happen beforehand. Was I in a time loop? Nope. I'd just seen Candyman 2.

RANDOM BOX SETS

Two of my favorites.

More than any other genre, horror movies are often clumped together in wildly unrelated box sets. Why, for example, would Predator fans be interested in Dead Silence? Just go to Walmart and you’ll see the ape-shit insanity from which DVD people must suffer. They see that a film is in the horror section, but they don’t bother reading the synopses before clumping things together like they were Dr. Moreau. I mean, Schindler's List and Raging Bull are both black and white dramas, but they have virtually nothing in common. No one would package those into a single box set. So why are horror movies so easily sorted? Probably because horror fans will buy anything.

HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING

STATS:
HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING
1995
Directed by, written by, and starring Clive Turner (a modern day Orson Welles)

WHA’ HAPPENED?
Not a lot. There are more scenes of line-dancing than werewolf violence, hence the film's original name: Howling VII: Please Don’t Watch This Because It’s All About Line Dancing. Actually, the film depicts a small town panicking after a body is found. The townspeople suspect werewolves because they are townspeople, and thus extremely stupid. A red-haired cowboy from Australia saves the day. And… that’s about it.

WHAT YOU SAY?
[Last lines of the film] "Oh, we thank you so much for this beautiful benefit. Thank all of our neighbors and our friends and Ted, we're sorry. I was looking at Pappy with that tail on his hat and I thought about a song that I wrote just for him and the cleaning lady."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I always, always, always wanted to see this film. I had heard that this was the worst werewolf movie ever made. I heard it had some truly nonsensical dialogue between non actors. I heard it made people’s eyes bleed. I just HAD to see it.

I also knew that it was written, produced, and directed by its Australian star, who got the part because he happened to be a minor character in two of the other Howling sequels. I love those kind of auteur-driven films, because they’re usually bad in a very self-indulgent way. And that, my friends, is the best kind of bad. Also, he looked like this:

Before I saw this man, I had no idea why

us red-heads always got such a bad rap.

More topically, I wanted to spotlight this film because I knew there was an upcoming sequel-slash-reboot of the franchise. It looks similarly awful, but it’s clearly targeting the teenage demo, instead of the living-in-a-ghost-town-and-cooking-meth demo.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
This film uses actual townspeople at a small, rustic ghost town. Let me repeat: real people who still live in a ghost town. There is no nudity and I am so, so grateful.

BLOOD AND GUTS:
There is a grand total of two legit murder scenes, and both of those aren’t worth mixed nuts. More egregiously, there is very little werewolf action. The glimpses of werewolf that we go catch are so poorly computer-animated (ahh, the 90s) that you gotta thank the stars that the lighting is so bad.

Pictured: the werewolf mid-attack

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Perhaps the creepiest, most atmospheric scene in the whole film involves line dancing. And absolutely no danger whatsoever. Just line dancing. If that doesn’t pique your interest… then I don’t blame you. Because this film is really dull.

OK. IS IT GAY?
No. Thank God. It’s as gay as Larry the Cable Guy… and only half as scary.

Seriously. This film has a reputation for being so-bad-it’s-good. Don’t believe the rumors. This is way too boring to be fun. It’s like watching an episode of MST3K without the talking robots.