FREDDY'S DEAD AND MISSING

Sad news, guys. I was all geared up and ready to review Freddy in 3D…

…until I realized that my Nightmare on Elm Street box set has gone missing. I am seriously bummed. All together, I’ve lost three and a half of my fifty favorite films. (One of these days I’m going to make a chart of favorite films, just so that I can lose all credibility whatsoever.)

I’ll probably find it, of course… Unless some hockey goalie snuck into my living room and stole it, along with any stray Michael Myers memorabilia.

Like this beautiful thing.

I’m sorry. I’m distraught. And when I get distraught, I ramble and make fun of Michael Myers memorabilia.

Seriously. Damn.

So there will be no Freddy Krueger review today. My apologies. Instead, let’s just gaze at this for a few minutes:

Okay. All better?

WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL

STATS:

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

2001

Director: Chris Angel [insert stupid joke that references Mindfreak]

Writer: Peter Atkins [insert joke about eating meat or carb-free diets or something]

Starring: John Novak, A.J. Cook, Tobias Mehler

WHA’ HAPPENED?

An angsty college student accidentally summons an evil genie who kills a bunch of people. The genie needs her to ask for three wishes because he wants to be set free so he can… kill a bunch of people. It’s a paradox. And by paradox, I mean “bad writing.”

Terrifying, no? Just wait till he

busts out his Julia Child impression.

To try to stop him, the girl wishes for the most practical thing she can think of: she wishes that her boyfriend would turn into a warrior angel. Yes, my friends, it’s another paradox. The two defeat the genie, but not before they both die. But then they don’t, because this movie is stupid. Paradox.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“It’s like an evil Aladdin’s lamp.”

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned a movie that I actively despise, so… here you go.

Actually, this isn’t a hateful film. It’s a Canadian-made horror sequel to a minor hit from the 1990s. It’s as good as you’d expect. Also, from what I could tell from InternetLand, this film has absolutely zero fans.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Our hero is this guy…

playing with sword

…who’s cute in a Canadian sort of way. He’s actually from the Yukon. And he was in the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Movie.

No nakedness, though. It gets pretty cold up North.

I take that back. We get two Canadians rolling around by a Canadian fire. Maple syrup and hockey might have been involved.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

All wish-related. All stupid. In one scene, the genie tries to get a bunch of lab rats to gnaw a side character’s face off. I guess the spell failed, because all those stupid rats could do was smear bad make up effects on her lips. Stupid rats.

Also, a couple people fall off a building, not in a parkour sort of way. Mostly in a low-rent stuntman sort of way.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Did we really need a warrior angel in this?

Yeah. Why not?

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not even tangentially. This film has no gay supporting characters and barely any straight romance either. It’s just a minor story where four or five characters wander around a college campus and possibly die after wishing for stupid things at the exact worst time.

This film is two John Waynes and an Alan Thicke (because of the Canadian thing).

Frederick Krueger, Esquire

Hellooooooooooo.

I have had my first blog topic request (WHAT WHAT!). That’s right, gentlemen and gentlemen, my first fan has come out of the woodwork to say how much I need to be funnier and also less not ungrammatical. And the request: Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.

Does that bird symbolize something?

I could write a really long, really bad thesis on the homoeroticism of this film, or I could direct you toward this film, one of the greatest documentaries of all time. Not only does Never Sleep Again cover all of the Nightmare films in great detail, but it spends a hilarious few minutes discussing the accidental-slash-not-accidental gayness in this film. At times, it almost delves into I Love the 80s territory.

And then the balls come flying… I made a funny.

Furthermore, Cracked.com, one of the oldest and most reputable sources of random online countdowns, has a list of the most unintentionally gay horror movies.

Including The Covenant, which is so very, very shirtless.

I’ve made an executive decision not to review any of these films, because these people have done a much better job at mocking them than I ever could.

Or I could let you watch the movie yourself

and make your own jokes about balls.

So thanks, Nameless Fan, for the suggestion, but I’m deferring to the experts on this one. (It is really gay, though.)

To thank you for your comment, I will gladly review another installment in the Freddy saga: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (aka The One with Tom Arnold and a Frying Pan). Trust me, it’ll be good.

Balls.

YOGI BEAR

Sometimes (but not often) I watch movies that aren’t even tangentially related to horror. I usually walk away disappointed and queasy. Today I saw Yogi Bear.

The only thing of gay interest about this film is the accidentally homoerotic poster released to every theater in America. Personally, it didn’t really jump out at me.

They’re bears, get it?

As for the movie itself, no bromances… no accidental homoeroticism… not even any strong female characters (though Anna Faris is peachy, as always). Just a whole lot of by-the-numbers nonsense about saving the forest. As if kids needed another movie to teach them that the environment is good and businessmen are bad.

And Robin Williams should not rap.

I don’t recommend this film. Not even for Justin Timberlake’s voice.

That’s just a waste.

NOW PLAYING PODCAST

If you’re interested in nitpicking bad horror movies ad nauseum, check out this podcast. Like most geek-centric podcasts, the reviewers can often be hyper-critical.

Getting upset about plot holes in a Jason sequel

is like getting upset about too much pizza in Italy.

And admittedly, I don’t agree with a lot of their sentiments.

Like all the pure vitriol that they fling

toward this poor defenseless film.

But their horror retrospective series are all entertaining on their own merits. Check them out.

SURF NINJAS

I just caught 1993’s Surf Ninjas on HBO and I have one question: Is this a real movie, or did the early 90s just throw up on me?

Here are some of the many things that Surf Ninjas brings to the table:

Ernie Reyes, Jr.

the Sir Laurence Olivier of our generation

Tone Loc

If you thought he was good

as the rapping lizard from Fern Gully…

This guy standing around and acting Asian

With so many Asians out there, why does

this guy get so much screen time?

Answer: sex appeal.

Leslie Nielsen

In Surf Ninjas, he gets trampled by an elephant. Har har.

An NES videogame that is somehow linked to reality

Not the Ralph Bakshi film about Nazis

Little kids that overcome their day-to-day problems by learning karate

Jonathan Brandis before he trained talking dolphins

Rob Schneider as a high school student (!)

Oh lord.

Surfers in SoCal with limited intelligence

San Dimas High School football rules!

A monkey that steals things and causes mischief, but actually ends up helping our heroes along

the little-seen prequel to American Beauty

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not really. I just wanted to share this film with the world.

COMMUNITY "Epidemiology"

STATS

COMMUNITY

“Epidemiology”

2010

Directed by: Anthony Hemingway

Written by: Karey Dornetto
Starring: Joel McHale, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Gilliam Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Alison Brie, and Ken Jeong (basically the best ensemble since Jesus and his apostles)

My version of the Last Supper. It’s quippier.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The basic premise of Community is that a group of disparate adults from different backgrounds form a new sort of community at a community college. In each episode, they do wacky stuff.

In this particular episode, the gang goes to a costume party in the school library. The dean serves tainted food and the student body starts turning into zombies. Most of the episode is a straight-up horror spoof with references to Aliens, Dawn of the Dead, and basically all my favorite movies.

Except this one.

The gang gets whittled down to one survivor (Troy) who has to get to the thermostat to lower the temperature and cure all the zombies. Not exactly your average episode of Two and a Half Men, huh?

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Community is the best show on television and the most daring and awesome sitcom since Night Court (werewolf lawyer notwithstanding). Each episode is crazy-funny and Dan Harmon and his writing staff aren’t afraid to swing for the fences every single week. (What other show on TV does an episode-long My Dinner with Andre spoof?)

Further, Community is profoundly inclusive and diverse. Part of the fabric of the show is its variety of races, ages, and body types. That said, there aren’t any openly gay characters. And Dead Pelton (who I guess is omnisexual or something) can be viewed as problematic for gay audiences.

Personally, I find this guy hilarious.

So when they managed to outdo the first season’s Halloween episode with something much more ambitious and insane, I had to write a post.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“He’s acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.”

“Just been proven racist by the racist prover.”

“They can make us sick by biting us. The banana said so.”

“What is up with that CAT?” “Is someone throwing it?”

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No real nudity, but Troy goes shirtless and shows off how perfect he is.

There were several other costumes of note, primarily Britta as a non-sexy woodland creature and Chang as not-Kristy Yamaguchi. And of course Dean Pelton finds an excuse to dress as Lady Gaga.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Well, no one DIES-dies, but almost all the characters get bitten and turn into zombies. Actually, the zombie make-up was pretty legit.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is the best show on television. Did I mention that?

Overall, this isn’t the funniest episode of Community, but it might be one of the ballsiest. It’s right up there with Contemporary American Poultry.

Frankly, I cannot wait till next week’s paintball finale. It’s going to be epic, or at the very least, give us some good Josh Holloway face-time.

this guy + paintball = my favorite thing

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yes. While the Troy/Abed dynamic is technically a platonic bromance, it really straddles the line sometimes. This episode has one of the most overtly romantic moments between them, when Abed sacrifices himself so that Troy can continue their mission. It’s a more genuine moment than the romance in most horror movies I’ve seen. More to the point, it’s not really played for laughs. Scenes like that are why I love this show. Let’s give this two Neil Patrick Harrises.

Mom and Dad Save the World

STATS

Mom and Dad Save the World

1992

Directed by: Greg Beeman (License to Drive)

Written by: Chris Matheson, Ed Solomon
Starring: Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Jeffrey Jones

WHA’ HAPPENED?

An old married couple are unexpectedly blasted off to an alien planet ruled by Jon Lovitz and filled with total morons. Jon Lovitz wants to marry the wife and blow up Earth, so our heroes have to stop him. They do.

The title gives away the ending.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is known (rightly so) for being straight up horrible.

Not exactly Schindler’s List, huh?

This is the reason Jon Lovitz isn’t an A-list movie star.

This film, and pretty much everything else about him.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“This is very important… Open my pants.”

“Did I mention we were a planet of idiots?”

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Our hero (Jeffrey Jones, the titular “dad”) meets up with a tribe of muscle-y bird men. They are both hot and stupid.

Like these guys, except totally different.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

It’s a children’s movie, but it has a surprisingly high body count and derives the majority of its jokes from the wanton killing of extremely stupid people. They explode, fall off high things, and accidentally shoot themselves in the head.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Is this a bad film? Well, it’s directed by the mad genius behind The Richest Cat in the World and Problem Child 3: Junior in Love. So… yeah. It’s bad.

The backgrounds look a lot like Dr. Seuss drawings.

Now if only Mike Myers or Jim Carrey were here to overact.

The mushroom things were pretty adorable. I wouldn’t eat them either.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not particularly. It’s a children’s movie, and it’s subversive. It has a children’s show vibe to most of its humor, and it seems to exist in a pre-sexual fairy tale world. Let’s give it three Peewee Hermans.