Arthur’s Quest

I like how the catchphrase at the top is

basically just an explanation of the plot.

Arthur’s Quest

1999

Directed by Neil Mandt

Starring Eric Christian Olsen, Arye Gross, Catherine Oxenberg, and Zach Galligan (!)

This guy plays the king of Engliand. He grew a beard for the role.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Merlin, Arthur, and Morgana travel through time and end up in late-20^th-century southern California, where Arthur grows up to be a blonde skater who complains that he never fits in, even though he looks exactly like male model Eric Christian Olsen (Not Another Teen Movie, NCIS: The Other One). Merlin, who is an epic bumbler played by our fourth favorite character actor Arye Gross, tries to get Arthur (aka Artie, har har) to accept his fate and retrieve Excalibur.

Morgana is now the evil sex-bomb principal of the school. You know she’s evil, because she’s the only one who retained her British accent after the time jump. Artie finally comes to his senses and realizes that he’s King Arthur (duh) after his girlfriend gets kidnapped by the principal’s bodyguards. After a ten-second sword fight and a nifty little deus ex machina dispatches Morgana and her ill-defined plan for world domination, Artie and his friends all travel back to Medieval Times (the time period, not the theme restaurant). And the world is once again safe from Morgana and massive plot holes.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is a late-90s direct-to-video effort aimed directly at children. After sitting through an ill-advised Saw marathon with a few friends (Too many body parts! Too many body parts!), I decided to cleanse my pop culture pallet with something wholesome and stupid.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Well, the movie stars Eric Christian Olsen, who grew up to become this…

But right now, he’s supposed to be a little nerdy and a lot underage. So… let’s not be gross here.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I hate movies where the villain's plan for world domination makes no sense. I also hate movies that end with a final battle where you don’t quite know the rules, but you assume the bad guy has no way of winning. Both those things are true about this film, but it’s really hard to hate something so doofy and well-meaning. Especially if Clint Howard is in it for no reason whatsoever.



ALICE IN WONDERLAND

ALICE IN WONDERLAND has been adapted into so many different films, it’s hard to keep track of which version makes her a prostitute and which one makes the mad hatter a black woman. But no matter how many times people re-imagine the story to make it unnecessarily hip, the dream logic and peculiarity of the source material always gives it something to latch on to. This early silent film is no different. For a good fifteen hallucinatory minutes, Alice wanders through Wonderland and meets a few of the classic characters. What makes this adaptation so special is the ingenuity involved in using turn-of-the-century technology to create fantastical creatures.

Take the White Rabbit, for example. Hes a guy in a suit, not unlike the Donnie Darko rabbit, or that serial killer I dreamed about last Tuesday.

Then we have a scene where Alice changes sizes and finds a series of increasingly tiny doors that she will have to squeeze through. No computer technology here. Just a curtain.

And the magically disappearing, reappearing Cheshire Cat… hes a real cat sitting on a branch. Who disappears. They paid their animal starts a lot of money back then.

If the scene involves too many special effects, the filmmakers just use a title card. If only Lord of the Rings did that. The entire trilogy would have been twenty minutes long.

My favorite scene in the whole film is the end, when all of Wonderland goes insane and chases after Alice. As you can see, dozens of people are dressed like cards and chase Alice until she reawakens in a park. See? That’s all you need to make a good Alice in Wonderland. Take a note, Tim Burton.

THE POWER WITHIN

THE POWER WITHIN

1995

Directed by Art Camacho

Written by Jacobsen Hart and Scott McAboy

Starring Ted Jan Roberts (from Milk), Karen Valentine and Keith Coogan (from Adventures in Babysitting)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A kid learns to harness his power within (trademark pending) by totally relying on a magic, butt-kicking ring. It would be like a weight-lifter learning to harness his inner strength through steroids.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Big chunks of this movie were filmed at Universal Studios, which was always more interesting than it was boring. It was still a little boring, though, especially the long stretches of time when you watch nameless people ride the rides and enjoy the hell out of them.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

None to speak of. Just a short teenage boy beating people up while everyone looks at him with their mouths agape. I have the sinking feeling this was written by a 12-year-old in crutches.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is a very dumb, low-budget endeavor, but the preteen nerd in all will undoubtedly find him- or herself cheering on the protagonist as he beats up random people. It is the simple things in life.

Half of the budget.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Nope. Not at all. But it does feature a main character from the Fox hit Glee.

Coach Bieste.

UNICORN ISLE

You wanna see something really gay? How about the short-lived 80s comic series Unicorn Isle? I bought this issue for a dollar at my local Hastings bookstore. It’s full of hot male elves and fantasy gibberish. I didn’t quite follow the story, and the drawings were a tad too rococo and hard to follow. But whenever you stumble across something as awesomely gay as this, you have to celebrate it.

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

2010

Directed by Lauren Montgomery

Written by Tab Murphy

Starring Summer Glau, Tim Daly, Susan Eisenberg, Kevin Conroy, and Andre Braugher

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and a couple heroes I’ve never heard of team up to take down Darkseid and Granny Goodness (two more characters I’ve never heard of). There is a lot of fighting, and Apocalypse is some kind of planet, not a Biblical end of days. As such, there is a happy ending.

Granny Goodness. Now my third favorite grandmother character.

I think Ed Asner did her voice.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been riding high on DC animated movies lately. They’re all free on Netflix, and they’re all crazy violent. Also, it cracks me up how such all-American pop culture icons like Superman and Batman can be so freaking homoerotic and muscle-worshippy in their character designs.

Superman with eye liner.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As I said before, there are loads of hot guys (and girls) in a superhero movie. And while they might not show a lot of skin, their skin-tight costumes leave very little to the imagination.

 Just a peek at the gun show.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

In addition, there isn’t exactly a shortage of violence in this film. And while a lot of it is cartoony and gee-whiz-comic-booky, there are genuine stakes involves. I’m talking blood and guts. Well, maybe not a lot of guts… But definitely blood.

Pictured: Superman holding a dead body.

I assume this does not happen a lot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

For those of you who enjoy a good Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, be prepared for some obvious parallels here. The women are all beautiful, quippy, and kick-ass. I got some major Buffy flashbacks when I saw Supergirl battling a bunch of men three times her size. This is a crowd-pleasing movie for anyone who likes emotionally complicated women kicking ass and taking names.

Also, all of DC's greatest heroes (except Aquaman) are in it too. And while they might not all have a LOT to do for most of the movie…

…it never gets old seeing them hang out together. I highly recommend this.

BORN OF HOPE

Born of Hope
2009
Directed by Kate Madison
Written by J. R. R. Tolkien and fans

Born of Hope is a full movie that you can watch for free on Youtube. It is a fan-made prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The words fan and made sound particularly dirty in this context, but the movie is admirably legit. The effects are great. The action is well-staged and thumping. And the story itself is emotionally engaging.

I’m not the biggest fan of these types of movies. I understood about half of the dialogue, and all the names seemed like fancy fantasy gibberish (though Tolkien-approved). But the fact that this film was made by a dedicated group of super-fans is enough to wash over all the problems I would have with this film. There is a lot of magic on display, but none more powerful than the magic of making movies.

BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD

STATS:

Batman: Under the Red Hood

2010

Directed by Brandon Vietti

Written by Judd Winick

Starring Bruce Greenwood, Jensen Ackles, and Neil Patrick Harris (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Based on one of the most well-received Batman comics story arcs in a long time, this direct-to-DVD movie reunites Batman with his former (supposedly dead) Robin, who is now a morally ambiguous hero/villain named the Red Hood. Classic Batman baddies the Joker and Ra’s al Ghul are in it too, but this really is the Red Hood’s story. Batman has to grapple with moral dilemmas. He also fights robot ninja assassins. So, you know, it’s not too high-brow.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Now, that was rude. The first boy blunder had some manners. I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. Nah, I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar."

That Joker is a scene-stealer. Not gonna lie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

After witnessing the awesomeness of DC heroes Jonah Hex and The Spectre, I couldn’t get enough morally ambiguous antiheroes (and animated beefcake), so I busted out some good old Batman.

I said GOOD old Batman.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

People watch Superman to ogle the muscles. People watch Batman to enter a dark and twisted world. The pecs and abs are just cherries on top.

Actually, I meant nipples. Nipples on top.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This movie starts off with a painfully long scene of the Joker beating Robin with a crowbar. That pretty much sets the tone of the rest of the movie. There aren’t any POW and BAM fight scene sound effects in this movie. Instead, there is a real sense of danger. Also, people die.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

The presence of hottie Jensen Ackles and real-life superhero Neil Patrick Harris is enough to draw in the gay crowds, but the real lure of this film is the wicked cool reimagining of the Batman/Robin dynamic. For years, their relationship has inspired a million offensive gay jokes, but this movie takes their father-son bond in a really interesting direction. Sure, this movie has a lot of action, but it’s also really thought-provoking. By the end, when we see one final flashback of our Robin in a simpler, happier time, I suddenly realized how emotionally invested I was in this film.

Yup. It went there.

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

STATS:

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring Thomas Jane, Michelle Trachtenberg, Linda Hamilton

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The final installment of the DC Showcase series, this short film involves our scarfaced hero murdering a killer hooker by leaving her to die in a mineshaft filled with the corpses of all her victims. And yes, this is an animated movie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Ive already talked about two of the other films in the DC Showcase, one of which was fairly beefcake-y, and one of which was gruesome as hell. This one, as you can tell from the synopsis, is pretty close to the second category.

The other reason I wanted to write about this was to show my readers that Jonah Hex isn’t nearly as lame a character as his live-action movie makes him seem.

Stupid and incomprehensible. Also, why

does Josh Brolin have freakishly short arms?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes, but the nudity is strictly female. The story centers around prostitutes, so… duh. But Jonah is a tall glass of water, if you ignore his hideous facial scars.

Actually, nevermind.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The very end of this film includes dozens of dead corpses rotting away. There is also violence and murder up the wazoo. Man, I love this character.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Yet again, DC outdoes itself with the gore. Before I rented this video, I had no idea cartoon DVDs inspired by comic books could be so… awesome. I am now a fan.

DC SHOWCASE: The Spectre

STATS:

DC: SHOWCASE: The Spectre

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos (Jack Two Santas)

Written by Steve Niles

Starring Gary Cole, Alyssa Milano

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Spectre is a private detective, ghost, and ladies man all rolled into one. Basically, if CBS executives combined all of their scripted shows, they would come up with The Spectre. In this film, he solves the mystery of a murdered movie producer by using horrifying magic hallucinations to kill the bad guys. He also narrates a lot.

He is voiced by this guy, BTW.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This short film is a continuation of Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam, which I recently posted about. It originally came as a bonus movie on the video Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths. Afterwards, they packaged it with three other DC shorts (including Superman/Shazam), which is where I got to see it.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Unlike the previous Superman short, which was 98% hot guys wrestling each other, this one doesn’t have a lot of beefcake. The Spectre isn’t a particularly rippling hero, and he mostly stays covered in a long green cloak.

He does make out with a weirdly blonde Alyssa Milano.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The horror aspect, however, is front and center. The death scenes in this one are terrifying. One involves a killer car…

Like this, except not horrible.

…And another involves a bunch of movie props coming alive and being creepy as hell.

Like this, except... well, just as ridiculous as this.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Man, is this film creepy. But don’t just take my word for it. Check this out. If I had known that DC animated films could be this apeshit terrifying, I would have started watching them years ago.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

STATS:

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

2010

Directed by Jaoquim Dos Santos

Written by Michael Jelenic

Starring Jerry O’Connell

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman teams up with Captain Marvel (a kid who gets random magic powers every time he shouts "Shazam!") to fight Black Adam, a white guy named Adam. The entire movie is one long fight scene, with some exposition about how Captain Marvel gets his powers.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Shazam," obviously.

Um... a slightly different film.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is the centerpiece of a 4-part anthology film meant to introduce people to lesser-known DC heroes. I found it free on Netflix and decided to check it out. Certain sections were gleefully horrific, so I thought I could do a few write-ups for this website. I had to start with this one, which was the least horrific and bloody, because it was the first (and longest) installment in the set.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As expected, this film is chock-full of superpowered, animated beefcake. In this installment, we get Superman, Captain Marvel, AND Black Adam, three rippling heroes. Theyre fully clothed, but tights barely count as clothing, right? The animators leave absolutely no bulges to the imagination. I strongly believe that some people are just born gay, but superheroes like these make a good argument that some pop culture can "turn" kids. If so, bring on the super men!

Like I said: bulges.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

For one giant fight scene, this film has precious little blood. Also, the city is weirdly underpopulated, so there aren’t a lot of deaths amidst the wreckage. This could be due to budgetary reasons (lots of extras are hard to draw) and moral reasons (protect the children!), but comparing this film to the others in this grisly series makes me think it has more to do with the former than the latter.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Does Captain Marvel have a big fan base? I’ve never heard of him, and his backstory is needlessly complicated. That said, there is something pretty kick-ass about a preteen who can turn into a big hulking hero just by saying a magic word.

Also, I’m surprised that a DC character is named Marvel. I’m not a huge comics fan, but I assume there was probably some drama involved back in the day.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is a fun little time waster. If you're of the "Prince Eric School of Hot Cartoons", there is a lot to like in this one. There’s not much of a story beyond a vague don’t-bully-people message, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

But seriously, Black Adam needs a new name.

Like, Vaguely Ethnic Adam. Or The Rock.

S1M0NE

STATS:

S1m0ne

2002

Written, Produced and Directed by Andrew Niccol

Starring Al Pacino, Catherine Keener, a Evan Rachel Wood, a hologram

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ever wondered what Frankenstein would look like as a navel-gazing Hollywood satire? Well, neither did the rest of the world. S1m0ne is a comedy about a down-on-his-luck director who invents an actress out of a computer simulation. The world falls in love with the actress, and it ruins his life.

There’s a lot of shouting, too. Obviously.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"God created little furry animals to be worn."

"Have you ever actually HAD dolphin? Pan-fried, with a little garlic and fennel."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film is a fascinating failure, a big budget comedy starring A-list talent that arrived DOA at the box office. It has the stink of being a pompous Hollywood satire that is of no interest to anyone outside of LA County. Naturally, I wanted to see it.

Admittedly, it’s not exactly a horror film, or a gay film, but it has its roots in sci-fi, and gay audiences usually respond positively to clever satires that gently poke fun at the establishment (Heathers, Pretty Persuasion, Death to Smoochy). And it certainly helps that the star of Heathers (Winona Ryder) and the star of Pretty Persuasion (Evan Rachel Wood) and the star of Death to Smoochy (Catherine Keener) round out this universally stellar cast.

Aside from the title character,

who really is played by a robot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Like most satires, S1m0ne thinks it’s smarter than it really is, but I still recommend it. Consistently funny and only slightly pompous, this film takes a really dumb premise and uses it the best way it can: to show us how very, very stupid we are regarding celebrity worship.

No comment.

IMMORTALS

If you’ve seen the trailers for the new action picture Immortals, you probably realized that it is just like 300, except… well, it has a different title and cast. As the trailer proudly proclaims, both movies come from the same producers.

But that’s not all they have in common. Here are the top seven reasons these movies are completely the same:

7. Oh, look. They have oracles too!

In 300, a bunch of oracles writhed around as their

white robes floated in computer-animated arcs.

In this film, the clothes are red.

6. The lead characters make a crapload of speeches.

For Sparta! Or, um, what country is this?

5. Huge masses of soldiers fight each other in slow motion.

The Sistine Chapel, only awesome.

4. The characters live in a CG world.

Everything the light touches will be yours, my son.

Except for that area right there. It isn’t pixilated yet.

3. The hero has to leave his lady behind so that he can fight stuff.

After a couple sex scenes, of course.

2. Hordes of men fight with their shields.

It’s just like Captain America, only retarded.

1. Gold-plated rulers kick people in slow motion.

At this point, it seems like the producers are messing with us. All the other similarities can be explained away as coincidental. But to include a direct copy of the single most famous moment in 300 is kind of like making an animated movie about a goat named Rambi and then killing off Rambi’s mother. This is verging on Snakes on a Train territory.

That said, if that kicking guy doesn’t impale someone with his hat, I will be eternally disappointed.