INVITATION TO HELL

STATS:

Invitation to Hell

1984

Directed by Wes Craven

Starring Robert Urich, Joanna Cassidy, and Susan Lucci

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Robert Urich and his family move to a new housing community where TV-appropriate weirdness starts happening. The neighbors act suspiciously, his secretary tries to warn him about things, and it seems like everyone wants them to join a shady country club called Steaming Piles Springs.

Oh, and did I mention that the country club’s logo looks like three turds sitting on a plate?

Robert's family joins without him, and they complete an initiation that involves walking into a sauna (whilst fully clothed) and pledging their undying loyalty to the country club. At this point, I realized the movie was a hard-hitting exposé of Scientology.

From then on, Robert's family starts acting just as strangely as their neighbors. His wife starts using kitchen knives, his son plays his video games or something, and the daughter… I don’t remember. None of it really seemed all that suspicious to me. That is, until the attempted dog murder, which is a pretty horrendous thing to do.

Robert realizes that his only recourse would be to go to the evil country club and sneak into the sauna. Thankfully, he steals a spacesuit from his work. It can withstand extremely high temperatures, it can shoot lasers, and it can sense whether something is human or not. And where does Robert work, you may ask. Answer: Office Max.

He uses his spacesuit to infiltrate the magic sauna, which looks like this on the inside:

Yes, inside the sauna is a matte painting. But that’s not all. See that cliff that defies the laws of physics? He jumps off it and lands in a magic purple world where his family (or at least the good parts of their personalities) are trapped. Robert has to struggle through the psychedelia and save the day.

Does he? You’ll have to watch to find out. Actually, please don’t.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Now it's time to sleep with the angels, my little pookie."

"Made you jump, Mr. Winslow."

"The club is a special place. Very special."

"Do you forsake all for the club?"

"I'm just making love to you, honey. That’s all. I’m just making love to you."

"You’ve been a bad bunny. I've got to punish you."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

So why is this film of interest to gay audiences? One reason: Susan Lucci.

Actually, two reasons: Susan Lucci and her many hairstyles.

During the climactic Halloween party (Did I mention there was a climactic Halloween party?) she comes dressed as the scariest thing she could think of: Susan Lucci.

With weird cheekbone glitter.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

For a movie revolving around an evil sauna, there is so little nudity it’s almost a crime.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This is a TV movie, so we get very little of anything. A bunch of stuff happens off-screen (car accidents and whatnot), and a few people get shot by lasers. Basically, this is the kind of film that wrings scares out of wacky neighbors putting on gorilla masks and leaning against windows.

A screen capture from Saw IV.

That said, the movie opens with Susan Lucci getting run over, jumping back up, and melting the driver with her magic finger. If ever there were an opening scene tailor made for my sensibilities, it would be that.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Um, I honestly didn’t understand the ending. So his family was trapped in the magic sauna, but their evil personality traits were walking around in the real world? Or were those people just impostors? And what happened to everyone else who was abducted by the sauna? I’m sure some, if not all, of these questions were answered somewhere in the film, but I was under whelmed by everything after that kick-ass teaser that I guess things flew past me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

How do we know Susan Lucci can’t be trusted? Because the space suit labeled her "Non-human Malignant."

So this is the game that the little boy (the kid from D.A.R.Y.L.) was obsessed with through most of the film:

Ladies and gentleman, this is Astro Bomber. Personally, I think that this might have too much math to make for an interesting game. It’s like playing Calculus Blasters 101.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, there are no gay characters and very little bromance (even though I hate hate hate that word).

And like I said, there is absolutely no nudity worth mentioning…

But then again, Susan Lucci…

COMMUNITY "Epidemiology"

STATS

COMMUNITY

“Epidemiology”

2010

Directed by: Anthony Hemingway

Written by: Karey Dornetto
Starring: Joel McHale, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Gilliam Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Alison Brie, and Ken Jeong (basically the best ensemble since Jesus and his apostles)

My version of the Last Supper. It’s quippier.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The basic premise of Community is that a group of disparate adults from different backgrounds form a new sort of community at a community college. In each episode, they do wacky stuff.

In this particular episode, the gang goes to a costume party in the school library. The dean serves tainted food and the student body starts turning into zombies. Most of the episode is a straight-up horror spoof with references to Aliens, Dawn of the Dead, and basically all my favorite movies.

Except this one.

The gang gets whittled down to one survivor (Troy) who has to get to the thermostat to lower the temperature and cure all the zombies. Not exactly your average episode of Two and a Half Men, huh?

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Community is the best show on television and the most daring and awesome sitcom since Night Court (werewolf lawyer notwithstanding). Each episode is crazy-funny and Dan Harmon and his writing staff aren’t afraid to swing for the fences every single week. (What other show on TV does an episode-long My Dinner with Andre spoof?)

Further, Community is profoundly inclusive and diverse. Part of the fabric of the show is its variety of races, ages, and body types. That said, there aren’t any openly gay characters. And Dead Pelton (who I guess is omnisexual or something) can be viewed as problematic for gay audiences.

Personally, I find this guy hilarious.

So when they managed to outdo the first season’s Halloween episode with something much more ambitious and insane, I had to write a post.

WHAT YOU SAY?

“He’s acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.”

“Just been proven racist by the racist prover.”

“They can make us sick by biting us. The banana said so.”

“What is up with that CAT?” “Is someone throwing it?”

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No real nudity, but Troy goes shirtless and shows off how perfect he is.

There were several other costumes of note, primarily Britta as a non-sexy woodland creature and Chang as not-Kristy Yamaguchi. And of course Dean Pelton finds an excuse to dress as Lady Gaga.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Well, no one DIES-dies, but almost all the characters get bitten and turn into zombies. Actually, the zombie make-up was pretty legit.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

This is the best show on television. Did I mention that?

Overall, this isn’t the funniest episode of Community, but it might be one of the ballsiest. It’s right up there with Contemporary American Poultry.

Frankly, I cannot wait till next week’s paintball finale. It’s going to be epic, or at the very least, give us some good Josh Holloway face-time.

this guy + paintball = my favorite thing

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yes. While the Troy/Abed dynamic is technically a platonic bromance, it really straddles the line sometimes. This episode has one of the most overtly romantic moments between them, when Abed sacrifices himself so that Troy can continue their mission. It’s a more genuine moment than the romance in most horror movies I’ve seen. More to the point, it’s not really played for laughs. Scenes like that are why I love this show. Let’s give this two Neil Patrick Harrises.