Pages

Sunday, June 5, 2011

VAMPIRES SUCK


STATS:
2010
Written and Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the unholy duo who unleashed Date Movie unto the world

WHA’ HAPPENED?
This movie follows the basic plot of Twilight and New Moon, pausing every few seconds to add jokes about Lady Gaga and wrinkly butts. In that respect, it’s reminiscent of late-period Paddy Chayefsky.

“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” [fart noise]

WHAT YOU SAY?
“Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.” [Becca farts in Edward’s face.]

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
This is the latest in a long string of Friedberg/Seltzer movie parodies starting with Date Movie and hitting an impossibly low nadir with Meet the Spartans. They are also credited writers on the much more legitimate Spy Hard and Scary Movie, the latter of which has seen a rapid drop in prestige thanks to these similarly titled train wrecks. But while films like Date Movie and Epic Movie have served as the Roger Clinton to Scary Movie’s Bill, Friedberg and Seltzer keep churning them out whenever another string of slightly similar blockbusters comes out. (Honestly, how does Will Smith’s Hitch qualify as an “epic movie” anyway?)

I wanted to review this particular entry in the series because it seems like the most relevant to the average horror fan (who would pay good money to see Twilight get farted on for an hour and a half). Also, the previous spoof movies have had a recurring theme of constant gay panic jokes, particularly in regards to 300. I wanted to see if that would also apply to their Twilight spoof.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:
From an abs standpoint, this film absolutely delivers. Of course, that’s not particularly surprising, considering the source material. However, this film’s version of Jacob is clearly over 18, which is way less skeezy.


BLOOD AND GUTS:
No guts, but there is definitely blood. I particularly enjoyed a scene that mocked Bella’s paper cut from New Moon. While the original movie made her seem like a hemophiliac, this version added massive geysers of blood shooting out of her finger and (for some reason) elbow. That was the entire joke, but it somehow worked. When it comes to non-fart-related physical comedy, this film often delivered.


RANDOM THOUGHTS:
The actress playing “Becca Crane” (get it?) is really good at the faux-angsty Kristen Stewart mannerisms. She bites her lip, plays with her hair, and looks away all at the same time. She’s like an awkward puppet… or, you know, Kristen Stewart.


OK. IS IT GAY?
While this is not a good film (at all), it had its moments of stupid humor. For most of the running time, I felt like I was watching a little kid making nonsensical knock-knock jokes and kicking a dead horse, but since that dead horse was Twilight, I say kick away.

Much like every post-Airplane! spoof, the humor is hit and miss, but there are so many jokes that statistically some have to land. I’d say I laughed six times during this one, which is a huge step up from the negative numbers of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. Perhaps I’m being overly kind because I was so surprised by the lack of gay panic hysteria in this film. There is only one scene that fell into that category: when the muscle-y wolf pack dances around in short-shorts to “It’s Raining Men.”


Clearly, it was not a good joke, but there really wasn’t anywhere else to go with it, given the source material. Other than that, I didn’t notice anything hateful. There were a couple man-on-man kisses, but nothing meant to make the audience squirm.

I was worried that they would have a recurring joke about Edward being gay, particularly because he keeps shying away from Bella’s advances. They didn’t go that way, however, and the movie was better for it.

So is this film gay-friendly? Not really, except in the shirtlessness quota. Is it offensive though? Nope. And considering the low-low-low-low bar I set for this film, that makes it a stunning success. I do not recommend this film to any human being, but on the gay scale, I’ll give this two Eric Roberts. It’s low-rent, but it means well.

No comments:

Post a Comment